So my A says he has stopped drinking (like where and when have I heard THAT before?!) And he expects everything to be just hunky-dory between us. I know from past experience that things will be okay, peaceful for a bit and then just as I start to relax--BAM--he'll be back drinking and all heck will break loose again.
How do I explain to him that while I want more than anything for us to be a happy, healthy couple again, it isn't going to happen overnight. How do I learn to trust him again? How do I take the chance again?
I know that I have to do something, too, to make this relationship work--but what? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
canadianguy said
Dec 27, 2005
One possible thing, for a commitment from him, which will help reveal if he is serious or not this time, is to have him to commit to a formal program of recovery, involving AA meetings, sponsorship, etc...
The same holds true for you..... You need a formal program of recovery, involving Al-Anon meetings, sponsorship, etc....
Both of you need your own respective recoveries right now..... Time will tell whether your relationship will survive, but that isn't the #1 priority today...
Just my two cents
Take care
Tom
leo said
Dec 27, 2005
Hi Beans,
Going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment not sure if you read my post but it was very similar to yours. I hate being lied to. Trust has always been one thing that I value as solidarity in a marriage and when that is eroded it really is hard to get it back. Then you feel like an idiot because you have trusted them again and they go back to the drinking. I have come a long way since having the support of the people here but still slip back into old patterns when I see him drink. Take one day at a time try and remember the 3 c's and ask HP for help. Tomorrow I am going to help a lady older than myself who is suffering from secondary cancer. Her husband is an A and not coping with her illness. I do not judge him as I know if he has not been there to support her when she was well it is not going to happen now. I will thank Hp again for having my health and I know I will come back from the visit feeling blessed that she came in to my life. Luv Leo xx
maresie said
Dec 27, 2005
My boyfriend can do that with work. He will get a job, it wil be all hunky dory for a while. Then he will want to be self employed again. Then he will find a way to corral me into it. I am to blame on some level. When I met him he blamed his last girlfriend (of 7 years) for a lot. She had a substantial substance abuse issue (so did he when he was with her). I now see the same pattern none of it is ever his fault.
I do know that life is hard and I do my best to do my part in our relationship but I am no longer willing to do everything in the way I once did. I have my life (well I will have a life when I get going) I have my couple's life and I have my own issues which I work on. He has his issues that I will not work on for him anymore. And some of them include me going into my savings to "save" him one more time only to be told that I should not mention it because it hurts his feelings when I do.
Maresie.
abbyal said
Dec 28, 2005
Hello beans , you start right now from where your at. please get to an al anon meeting as soon as possible f2f , we need support from people who have been where were at. You don't have to go thru this alone anymore. All of the questions u asked will be answered in the rooms of al-anon.
one day at a time u will get your life back on track . with or with out him you will be okay.
I really don't pay much attention to what people promise or what they say I watch what they do. If he is serious he will find help for himself in alcoholics anonymous while u recover in Al-Anon. it is the best way i know of to support our partners, get your own program learn all you can about the disease that your dealing with and keep the focus on your own needs for a change.
So my A says he has stopped drinking (like where and when have I heard THAT before?!) And he expects everything to be just hunky-dory between us. I know from past experience that things will be okay, peaceful for a bit and then just as I start to relax--BAM--he'll be back drinking and all heck will break loose again.
How do I explain to him that while I want more than anything for us to be a happy, healthy couple again, it isn't going to happen overnight. How do I learn to trust him again? How do I take the chance again?
I know that I have to do something, too, to make this relationship work--but what? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
One possible thing, for a commitment from him, which will help reveal if he is serious or not this time, is to have him to commit to a formal program of recovery, involving AA meetings, sponsorship, etc...
The same holds true for you..... You need a formal program of recovery, involving Al-Anon meetings, sponsorship, etc....
Both of you need your own respective recoveries right now..... Time will tell whether your relationship will survive, but that isn't the #1 priority today...
Just my two cents
Take care
Tom
Hi Beans,
Going through exactly the same thing as you at the moment not sure if you read my post but it was very similar to yours. I hate being lied to. Trust has always been one thing that I value as solidarity in a marriage and when that is eroded it really is hard to get it back. Then you feel like an idiot because you have trusted them again and they go back to the drinking. I have come a long way since having the support of the people here but still slip back into old patterns when I see him drink. Take one day at a time try and remember the 3 c's and ask HP for help. Tomorrow I am going to help a lady older than myself who is suffering from secondary cancer. Her husband is an A and not coping with her illness. I do not judge him as I know if he has not been there to support her when she was well it is not going to happen now. I will thank Hp again for having my health and I know I will come back from the visit feeling blessed that she came in to my life. Luv Leo xx
My boyfriend can do that with work. He will get a job, it wil be all hunky dory for a while. Then he will want to be self employed again. Then he will find a way to corral me into it. I am to blame on some level. When I met him he blamed his last girlfriend (of 7 years) for a lot. She had a substantial substance abuse issue (so did he when he was with her). I now see the same pattern none of it is ever his fault.
I do know that life is hard and I do my best to do my part in our relationship but I am no longer willing to do everything in the way I once did. I have my life (well I will have a life when I get going) I have my couple's life and I have my own issues which I work on. He has his issues that I will not work on for him anymore. And some of them include me going into my savings to "save" him one more time only to be told that I should not mention it because it hurts his feelings when I do.
Maresie.
Hello beans , you start right now from where your at. please get to an al anon meeting as soon as possible f2f , we need support from people who have been where were at. You don't have to go thru this alone anymore. All of the questions u asked will be answered in the rooms of al-anon.
one day at a time u will get your life back on track . with or with out him you will be okay.
I really don't pay much attention to what people promise or what they say I watch what they do. If he is serious he will find help for himself in alcoholics anonymous while u recover in Al-Anon. it is the best way i know of to support our partners, get your own program learn all you can about the disease that your dealing with and keep the focus on your own needs for a change.
goodluck Louise