Hi hope you guys can help I need some direction. Because I don't have al-anon here I am winging it a bit sometimes. I do still see the d/a counsellor for me once a month and I have a lady now writing to me from al-anon in another state but need help with the day to day things. My A husband is not in AA as we don't have it where we live but he is under a d/a counsellor one to one who visits once a month. Things were cruising along too nicely thought he wasn't drinking he didn't drink at all Xmas day and then I rock up to his factory yesterday after getting a phone call from him. I justified my gut feeling and he was drinking bourbon I said what do you think you are playing at? His reply I saw you coming I don't care whatever? Now he throws it back in my face like a schoolkid na na na. Just before we booked our holiday I said to him you better be not pulling the wool over my eyes or I am not booking the holiday. For Xmas he bought me a beautiful pot which was ordered and obviously expensive but now I feel like it was part of the manipulation and not a genuine gift. I wa so angry yesterday I sent him a message that said I can't live with a liar and if you love me stay away from me. Well he came home and didn't come near me but I just don't know where to go from here. I live in small town 1300kms away from any family so I just can't pack up and leave. I am trying to concentrate on my recovery but keep getting dragged down emotionally. I feel that if I let him get away with it the marriage is a joke and he is playing me for a fool. Don't think I am ready to end the marriage yet one part of me is saying have the holiday and take it from there but how do I deal with it up until then? We go away on the 10th January. Sorry this is so jumbled. Luv Leo xx
notsonew1111 said
Dec 26, 2005
(((leo))) sorry you are going through this. do you ever come to the online meetings? or come into chat? come join us
leo said
Dec 26, 2005
No I don't mainly because of the time difference and also I tried to download the software once and it didn't work. I am not really into the chat side of it would prefer to post on the board. The lady from al-anon who is writing to me now has my email address so hopefully there will be a more direct link when I need it. There is a helpline number I can reach out to if I need it but I honestly think the wisdom and practical experience that we all share here is the best. Just had a bath and said to myself YOU ARE LETTING HIM CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS GET THE CONTROL BACK and concentrate on you. I am going to burn some lavender oil in a minute and do some vacuuming and mopping. Later I will go to the pool and swim some laps. I hate living in the goldfish bowl of this small town also as everyone can see what he is like. Thanks for being here NSN Luv Leo xx
notsonew1111 said
Dec 26, 2005
good job in taking care of yourself keep it up (((hugs)))
sandie123 said
Dec 26, 2005
Leo~
I am so sorry things aren't going better. I wish I could give you some advice but only you and your HP know what is right for you. When the time is right you will know what is best. Until then just keep taking care of YOU! Keep focusing on You and remember you deserve the best!
You are a wonderful person and don't give up hope. I have faith that it will be ok with you and whatever you decide to do.
Keep letting us know what is up... sometimes we don't ask but we really do care.
Luv~
Linda
marmare said
Dec 27, 2005
(((((((((leo))))))))) I haven't posted in a week or so, haven't even been on line to read the postings, but tonight something pulled at me across the room to get on here even if it was to read one posting......and there you were. Be gentle with yourself. Search your heart and soul, what do you need? What are you doing for you? Know that you have so much support!!! You are in my heart and prayers.
Hugs Mary
whitie said
Dec 27, 2005
Leo,
How's your relationship with your HP? I pray for guidance daily and by the end of each day I know I've been guided in one area or another. Stay strong with boundries & treat yourself to something every day. Soon you will feel enpowered to do what is right for you.
Baby steps.......
Whitie
bluecrow said
Dec 27, 2005
Hi Leo,
I'm sooo sorry to hear that things are not going well for you this day's. I pray there will be a shift to better times quickly. I encourage you to keep up the good work that you are doing for your own recovery and continue reaching out. Remenber we can not control others behaviors. Your A's comments sound a little childish but at times the child in the best of us comes out. Thank your husband for the nice Xmas gift. My best bet is that it came from the heart and with good intent. Don't cancel your holiday just yet. Give it some good thought and don't make threats to cancel unless you really mean it and are prepared to act on your words. Choose a time to meet and talk with you husband, schedule it if you have to, it's usally best if you go somewhere like a quit private cafe where you can talk in private, talking at home sometimes makes it easier to get into an arrgument. Talk to him and explain what your fears and concerns are and give him a vision of the positive things you envision for the two of you. When talking to your A remenber that they are very sensitive to our attitudes, facial expressions etc.. Listen to him and allow him time to talk, respect his opinions, and be ready just in case they are not what you want to hear. The choices will alway's be his, we can only assist in directing and pray that they make the best choices for all concerned.
Blessing,
Rosa
Jill said
Dec 27, 2005
hi Leo, I find my life improves when I am able not to personalize someone else's disease. My husband is the a - his drinking is not at me. He drinks because he's a, and he's a because of his own issues, not mine. Given that, I can proceed with my own recovery. What I can handle, etc, is my business.
I'm not as remote from my family as you. Even in the midst of a loving family and wonderful friends, I find living with an A is isolating for me. Just this week my husband (who does not have a history of celebrating Christmas, and I do) said oh I thought Christmas would be more house parties and getting together with people. It floored me, because it was he who balked at 2 invitations we had for Christmas Day. That's where reaching out to my own support people is invaluable. They validate me and cancel out some of the soul-depleting effects of living with active addiction.
All the best as you find your footing with this new situation. ----- Jill
confused said
Dec 27, 2005
Leo,
I am sorry to hear that things are not going so great for you. I wish you would reconsider coming in to the chat room. Sometimes that immediate interaction is so helpful. Sometimes I just log in to see who is in the room to make sure I am not alone. I may only stay a few minutes but it certainly helps get me through those moments.
Only you know what to do about the holiday. Is it possible to go together but still get some time for you. I would hate to see you miss out because of your A chooses to drink.
You said that you live in a small town and feel like you are in a fishbowl.. That is how I have felt lately. I too live in a small town and after the year we have had, feel like the whole town is talking but I cannot change that. If there is no Alanon meeting in town, have you considered enlisting the help of the counselor in starting one. I know it sounds like a strange idea, but you are not alone, and I am sure that that there are other people who have the same experiences. Maybe there is a clergy membere you could approach about the need for a meeting in the area and he might know of others who would be willing to give it a try. I don't know, just a thought.
My prayers are with you,
Lynn
leo said
Dec 27, 2005
Thanks everyone I rang my husband and said to stop taking me for a fool. I asked him if he would accept what I am experiencing if the roles were reversed he said probably not and I replied "Well dont expect me to accept it from you". Trouble is he tiptoes around me uses his manners more when he wants help on the internet etc and then of course slips back into the comfort zone. I fall back into the pit where I think he has stopped drinking and naturally he falls off the pedestal because I have had EXPECTATIONS. I hate the fact that seeing the bourbon is enough to trigger my emotions into overdrive. I have to get past that. Haven't surrendered to HP in the past couple of days I did thank him for giving me a clean bill of health. Need to let him guide me again. Holiday is still on too late to cancel anyway as it is all paid for. Anyway I do listen to every bit of ESH here and I couldnt have made it this far without you. I am definitely a stronger person for having you all in my life. Luv Leo xx
Jennifer said
Dec 27, 2005
Hi Leo,
I hope things get better for you soon. I identified with so many things in your post, the main is feeling like a fool. I have felt all those emotions, have even said almost the same exact words ro my A in the past. Sometimes I think if only i could play the Mom ? role more often he would stay polite and on his toes too. It never works and only makes me feel worse in the long run that I used manipulation to get what I wanted just like he does. Maybe not intentionally but I have come to look upon it as bad learned behavior in myself. When I stop beating myself up for that I remember that maybe just by seeing the situation as I am now is a good change. Hopefully one that will keep me from going in that same old circle over and over again. Anyway I just wanted to say I understand what you are saying and you are in my thoughts. Be good to yourself.
(((leo))) sorry you are going through this. do you ever come to the online meetings? or come into chat? come join us
Leo~
I am so sorry things aren't going better. I wish I could give you some advice but only you and your HP know what is right for you. When the time is right you will know what is best. Until then just keep taking care of YOU! Keep focusing on You and remember you deserve the best!
You are a wonderful person and don't give up hope. I have faith that it will be ok with you and whatever you decide to do.
Keep letting us know what is up... sometimes we don't ask but we really do care.
Luv~
Linda
(((((((((leo))))))))) I haven't posted in a week or so, haven't even been on line to read the postings, but tonight something pulled at me across the room to get on here even if it was to read one posting......and there you were. Be gentle with yourself. Search your heart and soul, what do you need? What are you doing for you? Know that you have so much support!!! You are in my heart and prayers.
Hugs Mary
Hi Leo,
I'm sooo sorry to hear that things are not going well for you this day's. I pray there will be a shift to better times quickly. I encourage you to keep up the good work that you are doing for your own recovery and continue reaching out. Remenber we can not control others behaviors. Your A's comments sound a little childish but at times the child in the best of us comes out. Thank your husband for the nice Xmas gift. My best bet is that it came from the heart and with good intent. Don't cancel your holiday just yet. Give it some good thought and don't make threats to cancel unless you really mean it and are prepared to act on your words. Choose a time to meet and talk with you husband, schedule it if you have to, it's usally best if you go somewhere like a quit private cafe where you can talk in private, talking at home sometimes makes it easier to get into an arrgument. Talk to him and explain what your fears and concerns are and give him a vision of the positive things you envision for the two of you. When talking to your A remenber that they are very sensitive to our attitudes, facial expressions etc.. Listen to him and allow him time to talk, respect his opinions, and be ready just in case they are not what you want to hear. The choices will alway's be his, we can only assist in directing and pray that they make the best choices for all concerned.
Blessing,
Rosa
hi Leo, I find my life improves when I am able not to personalize someone else's disease. My husband is the a - his drinking is not at me. He drinks because he's a, and he's a because of his own issues, not mine. Given that, I can proceed with my own recovery. What I can handle, etc, is my business.
I'm not as remote from my family as you. Even in the midst of a loving family and wonderful friends, I find living with an A is isolating for me. Just this week my husband (who does not have a history of celebrating Christmas, and I do) said oh I thought Christmas would be more house parties and getting together with people. It floored me, because it was he who balked at 2 invitations we had for Christmas Day. That's where reaching out to my own support people is invaluable. They validate me and cancel out some of the soul-depleting effects of living with active addiction.
All the best as you find your footing with this new situation. ----- Jill
Hi Leo,
I hope things get better for you soon. I identified with so many things in your post, the main is feeling like a fool. I have felt all those emotions, have even said almost the same exact words ro my A in the past. Sometimes I think if only i could play the Mom ? role more often he would stay polite and on his toes too. It never works and only makes me feel worse in the long run that I used manipulation to get what I wanted just like he does. Maybe not intentionally but I have come to look upon it as bad learned behavior in myself. When I stop beating myself up for that I remember that maybe just by seeing the situation as I am now is a good change. Hopefully one that will keep me from going in that same old circle over and over again. Anyway I just wanted to say I understand what you are saying and you are in my thoughts. Be good to yourself.
Jennifer