I was dating my A for almost 2 years. It took me probably 8 months or more to begin to even allow myself to think that he had a problem. I guess I was in total denial...he seemed to be the perfect guy for me at first and I fell fast and hard....I'm in my 30s, so falling for someone like that doesn't happen much anymore. Once I began questioning his drinking he started pulling farther away. The more I questioned, the more he pulled away. I started getting obsessed about where he was, what bar he was at, how long he had been there, etc. etc. That went on and on for a good year. He's finally admitted he has a problem, and saw a doctor for depression. He told me all of this about a month ago and has completely shut me out of his life since, he says he can't talk to me about it and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. While a part of me is glad (because I can't put the blame for his drinking on myself if I don't see or talk to him ever), the other part of me who still loves him and knows what a good person he is (minus the alcohol) is worried sick, wondering what he's doing, if he's drinking, how much, how often, if he's going to be ok, if he's getting help, etc. etc. etc. Don't know what, if anything, I want to hear as a response...but thanks for the place to express my feelings....

Worried,

You sound exactly like what I went through in November.  I left my boyfriend who I only found out the last couple of weeks in our relationship was an A - he hid it from me and then when I started to expect to hear from him like I always did - he never called back.  Then he started going out more with friends and getting defensive when I noticed a change in his personality.  When I found out about the drugs - he pushed me so far away I had to end it with him.  I didnt want to - and then we talked about 2 weeks later and the "I dont want you hurt you anymores" came out even though I wasnt asking for a relationship with him at that moment. 

I cant say why they do it or how long it lasts - or if it is conscious or subconscious that they push us away - or if its really what they want or dont want.  All I can say is that I came here and it was the best thing I could have ever done.  I learned alot about myself and that I didnt have to put up with the confusion if I didnt want to. 

You will find peace, comfort, sanity, love, friendship, compassion, understanding and experience here. 

Hi Worried,

I am also in my 30's and met the most wonderful guy last December. We dated long distance for six months, and he was able to hide the drinking from me for a while.  When we would see each other, about two times a month, I started saying that maybe we don't have to drink every day that we see each other. He told me it was like a celebration to see me. I bought that for a while. They can only hide it for so long.

On our third date and second month of dating, we were out of town and he drank too much and passed out in the hotel room.  All night he thrashed around the room. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the corner because I didn't know what he was going to do. The next day he was very apologetic, and said it would never happen again. I trusted him.

I started getting worried about him, counting drinks, staying up late when he couldn't sleep and obsessing about it when I wasn't with him. Then I started calling late at night to see when he would be home.  He really pulled away. The more I called and obsessed, the more he pulled away.

I came to Al Anon this May, shortly after we broke up.  It has been SO great for me. I have learned about myself and learned about what others are going through. I started attending meetings. They tell you to go to six meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. 

I learned I was very codependent. I thought something was really wrong with me, and why would he love alcohol and drugs more than me.

I have turned my life around in about six months. Life is much better, finances are much better and I am attracting more healthy people into my life. I am very thankful to have found Al Anon.

Keep coming back. 

MollyAnn

The fact that you slipped so easily into obsessing about him, shows that this may be the right place for you. Most of us have found that we fit the A's in our lives like gloves - they need to drink, and we need to love people with problems. Here we try not to focus so much on the alcoholic on our lives, instead focus on ourselves. For some of us, that has meant going on to more healthy relationships. For others, it means finding ways to live with the insanity that is alcoholism without it making US crazy. Why not read some old posts here, see if there is anything which strikes a chord with you? Try a few face to face meetings - there is a link at the top of the page to a directory, and see if anything said there helps you. Read some of our literature, you can order it from here, get it from ebay or amazon, from the library, or from a f2f meeting. Welcome - I'm sure we can help you find some serenity.

Thanks for the replies. I have to say that you've said things that I thought for sure only my A had done....the disappearing, not calling when he said he would, getting defensive, etc. I'm obviously new to living with alcoholism. I've tried to talk to some friends about his behavior and, because they don't understand the extent of his drinking, they just put him down and call him names and ask why I am still with him (I'm usually the first to walk out of a relationshipe when things go wrong). That frustrates me. I couldn't walk away from him, he's sick and he needs help and once I finally admitted that fact to myself I couldn't leave him, not knowing he's in trouble. But, I'm working on accepting that, for me, I can't be a part of that, I can't keep myself in a roller coaster relationship, that I've known all along. I think I was just sticking it out hoping and praying he'd change back to who he was (pretending to be?) when I first met him. It just hurts to be treated that way and to not understand the power of alcohol or why or how someone could treat someone they supposedly love that way...I guess I understand it, I've read about it, taken classes on it, dealt with it in a previous life as a social worker, I have just had never lived it on a personal level. I think for me the best I can do is to completely walk away from my A. I know I love him and he knows I love him and am worried about him, but that's the extent of what I can do for him at this point. The rest is up to him. I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do to help him....or to make myself feel better for walking out of the situation when he's obiviously in trouble. Ugh, just confused and upset and wanting superpowers at this point. Here's to hoping he gets himself some help before he does more damage to himself.

...And here's to all of you for being strong enough to deal with your A's and for helping yourselves and each other....

Hi worried one ,

I am sort of an "old timer" been around alanon since 1986 ...I met a  man in 1984 ...BIG PASSION ...BIG EXCITEMENT .......BIG Drunk .....For 2 yrs I denied his drinking was a problem , or didn't understand the drinking as a Disease ...I didn't know people could be highly educaqted , holding good jobs, come from "nice" families and also have the disease of Alcoholism

My best friend got sober in 1986 at a 30 day center. She came home and said "i know whats wrong w/ your relationship and why you are having all these problems w/ him ...he's a drunk , you are a codependent , he needs AA and YOU need alanon"

I went. I learned . I loved. For 4 yrs ...while he drank ...I used this program to "help me cope with his drinking" to "better understand him" ...20 yrs later I see that I went for HIM and was not "working  my own recovery"

So our time line looked like this

1984 we meet

1986 I find alanon 86- 90 i go to meetings ,his drinking progresses and gets SO MUCH WORSE

1990 ...he lands me in the hospital ... I kick him out , he goes to  30 day treatment and gets sober\

1990 - 91 ...early sobriety ...very difficult ...his drinking went away , but he dropped out of AA and his behaviour , still not nice

1994 we marry ( he is 4 yrs sober )

94- 99 ...fairly happy , BUT he is still mean and abisuve and  untrustworthy ... and I tolerate

2000  he drinks openly in my face ...$1,500 a month in bars

2001 I work up the courage to offer him the chouice of health & recovery or divorce

he chooses divorce

2001 - 2002 ....I have a complete nervous breakdown , can't work am suicidal ...my income drops from $10,000 a month , to $900 !!!!!  i wanna die

2003 I go BACK to alanon for me ... and do all they tell me to do and things begin to turn around ... I meet a HEALTHY LOVING non A man who falls for me and is KIND and NO DRAMA

Present I have a job I love .. am building a house ...just celebrated my 3rd Christmas w/ my boyfriend  ... I have WONDERFUL alanon friends and a way of life that i love in the program

I am one of the lucky and the not so lucky ones I am lucky because i came back to Alanon

I suppose i was "unlucky" because I settled for an A for almost 20 yrs and it almost killed me, i was a volunteer to being victimized

I will never again deal with a person who is actively addicted and not in recovery ...my life is too wonderful now to ever go back

some times i still miss my husband , and i mourn the HUGE losses his drinking stole from us

but refused to change , and I couldnt give him the next 20 yrs

I hope your road to recovery is a shorter one than mine

Keep coming back ... you will find amazing miracles in Alanon

Love

Fiona

Hi Fiona,

Thanks for sharing your experience, and congrats on coming back and getting yourself help. I'm glad that things have turned out so well for you after such a long road! While I don't plan to go back to my A, it will be hard b/c I am worried. Thankfully stepping away from it for the short while I've been away from him, I have had the chance to really see and FEEL how much he was bringing me down with him.  Reading your stories makes me realize that I was fighting a losing battle as long as he won't get help (says he was, however, I don't believe him....I live in a small city and have seen his car at neighborhood bars). So, thank you, your experiences help me to remain strong in staying away...

Have a terrific new year....

I think I feel such low esteem and am so habituated to problems that it feels the norm to me.  I came from an incredibly abusive and addictive family.  My parents managed by  having multiple addictions. I know when I have had people in my life who were responsible, functional and caring I have felt out on a limb. I think in some ways having someone who is highly irresponsible (my boyfriend is incredibly irresponsible about money among other things) means that no one holds me responsible for my mess ups. He is so so out there with his illness (mind you I have my own illnesses but nothing is allowed to compare to his!).  He is so so out there with his businesses (he collects business partners the way some collect salt shakers) I do not have to deal with my own lack of career (I specialize in dead end shitty boss jobs) and I can blame him for my lack of progress in my life.

Maresie.

One thing to keep in mind, while you are doing what is best for you. Often, the most help we can give our A's is NOT to help them = it is only when they lose jobs lose relationships, lose homes, that they hurt enough to go for recovery.