Ok - so I went back to my parents house last night and spent it with my family because I realized how important my niece is to me and that my parents were not going to control that relationship either by making my night miserable.  It was an empowering feeling to know I could have gone home and just enjoyed the night by myself and feel good about walking out of a toxic situation, but being with my niece was more important to me.

Well while I was gone - my sister had a talk with them.  She explained that this cannot continue and we are not having Christmas at their house next year.  It has gotten to a point that the stress level is so high the minute everyone stops opening gifts - and nasty words are slung back and forth between my parents which then as the day progresses moves to either me or my brother.  My sister has been so detached from the family that she doesnt get the abuse that I get - my parents would NEVER think to tell her to leave - they are afraid she'd never come back. 

So on my way out of the house this morning - my father did the unthinkable and hugged me and told me he was glad I came back.  My mother then hugged me and said she was sorry and I responded that this WILL stop or I am not coming back - she then insisted I apologize to her - which I refused since I didnt have anything to apologize for.  What am I apologizing for?  Standing up for myself and walking away?  I dont think so.  So she got mad at me and said "well I am apologizing to you - so now its your turn - I'm making the effort here!".  I still refused - so she got mad, told me well you never apologize anyway and to have a nice life.

I just got in my car and left.

Dear Cyn, I have been following your posts. The positive thing is, your sister now understands the extent of the problem. It is not all up to you. Hope she goes ahead and hosts Christmas next year, but, that is a long way off. Meantime, stick to the program, you are doing well, if your mom gets in touch, alanon is anonymous, but, not secret, tell her, maybe she will seek some recovery. You handled this whole mess extremely well, give yourself some credit - that is it, for at least a year!!!!! Now, what are you going to do for you? Time you enjoyed yourself, had some fun - parachuting? sky diving? Lolol, I always suggest things that terrify me - maybe a walk in the park? Hope to see you in chatroom, later, Lots of love, (((((((big pat on back))))))) Flora xxxx

Hey Cyn,

Great job.  All of the growth at work.  You made choices based on what you wanted.  You then failed to get sucked into it all and again made a choice on the way out.  Why apologize for something you didn't do?  For me that would just add to my resentment pile.  Also for me apologies are not for the other person.  They are for ourselves.  We have to realize there is something to apolgize for and we make our own amends.  It's for our growth and healing.  Sometimes it makes the person your apologizing feel better, and that is icing on the cake, but they might even choose to not accept it.  It's still yours to own. 

Belated Merry Christmas,

Bob

I last saw my family of origin 6 years ago and came back with so many resentments it took me years to process it. I think its remarkable you could stay boundaried. I had to go to stay in a hotel after the chaos/craziness of my family or origin issues.  I have to put up a lot of boundaries and set tremendous limits around my boyfriend's family. His mother suddenly switches "on" at Christmas, the rest of the year she is "off" but at Christmas she puts tremendous pressure on to get her "needs" met.  This year I didn't try to meet any of them and felt like I was beginning to recuperate some from being sucked into her vortex of needs, projections and manipulations.

 

Maresie.

Yes, all this boundary stuff around family is so hard. I have been working on it for years, in and out of alanon, and i still don't get it. I don't have any idea how to set boundaries around my husband's family, who are very toxic, but all so civilized on the surface. I think I'll start my own post so I get some answers. But anyway, i thought it was extremely brave of you to be present for your niece. That was a loving thing to do! mebjk