Ok since coming to Alanon - I've been learning to stand up for myself and not allow people to abuse me and to set boundaries.  Well today I snapped.  I was at my parents house and I couldnt take it anymore.  While I was posting another post before - the sink erupted at my house.  My father was in the kitchen working on the garbage disposal - my mother was cooking - and my sister walked in at that point and just started to make deviled eggs and my father continued to take care of the sink.  So my mother yells into the living room at me to go and help my brother in law set the table.  I told her I was just about to go take a shower (the company we had coming was arriving in a half hour) and she started yelling at me that "Yeah Cyn, do whatever you want - F everyone else".  Then she started yelling that why wasnt I helping my father fix the flood going on (which in my house - you CANT help my father - he gets too frustrated and it ends up being worse for two people helping than allowing him to do it himself).  I said - there are two other people in the kitchen while this was going on - and you yell at ME to come in and do it.  My mother just gives me more attitude - and my sister continues with the eggs.  My brother is still in bed doing nothing.  And she is giving me shit.  Then my father says to me "Why dont you just not bother to come at all next year".  I said why dont I just leave now since I am not wanted - he then told me fine - GO.  So I packed my shit, put everything in the car and said goodbye to my sister and brother in law - and my father was still screaming at me that I am ungrateful and my mother told me to F off and went into her room. 

My sister tried to get me to stay - and said WE want you to stay.  Its not about them - its about my parents.  I am the scapegoat and I am so tired of it.  I am tired of being the bad daughter when I have spent the last three weeks trying to find the perfect gifts for my family, spent 4 months last year making a calendar for my family of all the pictures of my neices first year, I am constantly trying to make up for everything I do wrong.  And I am yelled at for not getting up instantaneously to vacuum the living room, or for sitting down when I have the flu, my neck and back are killing me, and I have horrible cramps but have been baking cookies for 2 days - but its ok for my brother in law and sister to pass out for an hour upstairs and my brother to be in bed all day because he is having a colitis attack - and I get screamed at and made to feel worthless.

So I walked out - and right now I am sitting in my office at my YMCA since it is a residence and always open.  There is some poor resident sitting at the front desk who I feel bad is spending Christmas alone - but you know what it appears SO AM I!!  It felt good to stand up for myself and WALK OUT but I feel miserable now.  I feel like I am a horrible daughter for walking out - but I am not going to be apologized to.  They dont feel that they were wrong - my father called me twice to say come back for my sister, brother and niece - not because he was wrong to say what he said or that my mother was wrong for screaming at me. 

I'm the one who is always wrong - and I am so tired of it.  I'm not a bad person - why do I always need to feel that way???

eeek cyn, I don't know what to say. You probably did the right thing! Removing yourself from the chaos is a proactive step. I know that knowing this doesn't ease the pain right now, pain is real. I too, understand that today. I am thinking of you , and praying for you. You are important Cyn, and worth peace/love. Glad you are in a peaceful place - pray for joy. Ask your HP to fill your darkest places with joy - he really will if we ask! ((((hugs)))) angie

((((Cyn))))

Dysfunctional holiday crap!  How could you respond??  I am so sorry this has happened to you.  If it makes you feel any better....My A is mad...he left because I won't put his needs and wants in front of my own today.  He doesn't like the boundaries I set to make me feel ok.  So he took his presents and left.  My best girlfriend just called...her A dumped her yesterday and she is suicidal. 

Hang on cyn and count your blessings.  Things are going so well for you.  Your job and school.  Keep the faith!  It will get better.

 

Julia

 

(((((CYN)))) It so sucks when we feel this crappy on Christmas. I am glad you posted here. I am glad that I am not the only one with mental games in my head that are causing me greif! You know, it is okay to go back. If that is what you want to do. It is okay to leave when you are feeling bad. For me, I would rather be alone when I feel bad, but when it passes, it feels good to be back. I like to lead by example, and tell everyone how I feel sometimes, and sometimes I have to just say " I wasn't in a good spot, and didn't want to add to the frustration". It takes people aback when we admit things that others won't. Anyways, maybe your HP sent you to your office today. Perhaps that is what you are meant to be doing today. Merry Christmas. Today is about celebrating what you have good in your life. THe next week is about celebrating your accomplishments this year. Focus on that, and ask God for strength and courage to do what is right. My love to you and your family. Aron

Cyn

Things are moving fast and thet may be best. I replied to your 3rd post.

Be grateful you have a safe place to be right now & can be online

keep up the good work, I'll check in later. 

My best wishes are with you

Hi Cyn -  I sure hope u take that person sittin gin the lobby out and go for a nice supper . It would be good for both of you.    We can leave our friends but cn't divorce the family. sigh!! Hang in there cyn your going to be okay.      Louise

(((cyn))) im sorry for what you are going through. im right there beside you, my a treated me like a piece of shit today too even though i have done nothing wrong. i really hate this christmas. im glad you went to the y good for you. hope the rest of your day gets better

Dear Cyn, You are a good person, worthy of respect, and, you are not alone. Many people here love and care for you. I am thankful that for me, today went well. I had Christmas lunch at my A daughter's home - she is recovering, sober for 5 years. The thing is, the way I manage things these days, I try to have a schedule, and not spend too long - my 2 sons and her b/f were also there. I have a horror of things ending up in a row, with my children falling out. Anyway, I was ready to leave 2 hours before my son! However, I stayed, they all got on really well and I did not want to spoil a happy day. I am glad it is over with - felt so tense for those last 2 hours. Agree with previous post - maybe you and lonely person in YMCA could share a little time together? Suspect you are there because that is where you need to be. We cant choose our relative - but when the next family occasion arises, have a plan. It make you feel a bit of an outsider to breeze in and out and will no doubt elicit some comment, but, you have to be comfortable, and entitled to live your life with your own boundaries observed. It is only 1 day, there will be many, many, more and better days to come. (((((((big hugs, ))))))))) Lots of love, Flora xxxx