Now that I have been involved with Alanon for the past month - my eyes are opening up SOOOO widely its amazing.  I am sitting at my parents house for Christmas - been here since yesterday making cookies for my coworkers (they have an enormous kitchen) and watching the interaction between my fighting parents - fighting over the STUPIDEST THINGS IN THE WORLD.  Lets see it - its 1:40pm and so far they have fought over: what my father ate for breakfast, how he is cleaning, how he is putting things away, etc etc etc - I have noticed my stress level has gotten out of hand myself.  I am reacting to things like the fact that I melted chocolate all over the microwave this morning, set a pot holder on fire because my mother made me use this stupid pot that she wanted me to use as a double boiler which slides all over the place and is too hot to hold on to - but the pot holder got too close to the stove and caught fire, dropped my cookies pulling them out of the oven - but cursing and getting annoyed instead of staying calm.  Environment can do that to you!

So my father because my mother is always in his face - feels he HAS to constantly be working for Christmas dinner and is constantly cleaning the dishes, etc etc and I am claustophobic.  Even in the big kitchen - 3 people trying to work around each other and a toddler walking around - plus people coming in and out of the kitchen does not work for me.  I get edgy and lose concentration (setting things on fire is a good example!).  So my father is aggravated and cant sit still because my mother is controlling his every action, my mother is cooking and getting annoyed at him and everyone else, things are stressed out!!  My siblings are upstairs (older sister and younger brother) hiding out because of the stress level and I am sitting in the living room trying to get some space. 

So I am sitting here looking up a gift I want to buy myself - and my mother asks me if I could get out the vacuum and vacuum the living room.  I said in a few minutes I would get up and do it, my mother then gets annoyed that I am not jumping up that exact minute to do it for her, my father chimes in and says "why cant you do it right now?" I said because I am in the middle of something and I will in a few minutes, he then says "if it is not something about Christmas then its not important right now".  I said my back is hurting from standing up for the past 3 hours baking cookies, I am taking a few minutes to myself and when I am ready to get up again I will vacuum for you.  He then says to me "what do you think our backs arent hurting?" I responded that I'm sorry your back hurts, and I will vacuum the living room when I am done with what I am doing.  15 minutes I got up and vacuumed the living room with a vacuum that kept falling apart everytime I pushed it.  I then injured myself with it by fighting it and it ended up ripping apart my toe. 

I am 29 years old - AN ADULT!!  I could just as easily have gotten up and gone home.  But this is what happens everytime I come here - the stress level and negativity in my house during the holidays is what I dread the most.  We should be playing christmas music and enjoying each other - but instead everyone gets frustrated and nasty.  It is important that I am good to myself and not let this negativity rip me apart. 

I actually used the phrase QTIP to my mother when she was discussing my poor aunt last night and my father used it against me saying "maybe we should use that with you!"  I said go right ahead - I am finally learning it myself.  Anyway, My aunt lost her only son when he was 27 3 Christmas's ago - he collapsed playing basketball with his friends on Christmas Eve and died.  Then this year she lost her father and her husband within 3 weeks of each other.  My aunt knew her husband was dying and when he did - my mother was not happy with her reaction.  My mother felt like my aunt had starved my uncle (my mother's brother) while he was dying - the reality of it was my uncle was being stubborn and made my aunts life miserable for the last months of his life.  He was terminally ill and had been for 5+ years and it took a toll on her - she finally gave up trying to save him and let him be stubborn and not give in.  When he died, my mother accused her of letting him die.  She was a bit relieved when he did - her life had been taking care of him for many many years, losing her life - on top of that losing her father and her son.  She just didnt have anything left in her - and wanted to move to Florida to live with her mother and said to my mother the day my uncle died "I have nothing here anymore, no family - so I want to live with my mother".  My mother took it VERY personally and hasnt spoken to my aunt ,who has been greiving, since May because she is mad at her.  Well my aunt doesnt want to come today for Christmas (she never moved to Florida after all) because she doesnt feel comfortable - especially with everyone having their children and husbands here.  It has to be sad for someone who has lost all their immediate family so recently.  My mother is insulted by this - so I said Quit Taking It Personally.  It has nothing to do with you - she has to do what is comfortable for her.  She responded that my aunt has always had a poor attitude - so I said then you DEFINITELY should Quit Taking It Personally. 

Ahhhh - Christmas - always a pleasure.

Oh and at the moment - my father is cursing in the kitchen because the garbage disposal jammed and the sink is flooding.  That room is so filled with stress - and now they are calling me in to help cook something (there are 5 people in the kitchen at this moment!!!)

I read your second post first. and replied to that one. Sometimes it feels like such a burden that I have alanon. I feel like I am the only one with clarity sometimes, especially when I see everyone acting and reacting like fools. You are only responsible for you. I can control my own actions, and reactions. Like I posted yesterday, my PMS gets in the way in such a negative manner, but I have made the choice to back away from everything until the Midol kicks in. My sister in law got engaged to a jack ass this morning, but it is her choice. I need to mentally prepare myself for seeing the ring later, and say my congratulations. I would not choose to get married to someone who makes me cry at least twice a week, but who am I to judge her. Keep you chin up today Cyn. I am 29 too, and often feel like I am 60! Take care. Aron

Cyn

 

Hang in there, gosh I'm just realizing that Xmas isn't like I see it on TV.

Except maybe if Seinfield celebrated Xmas we could laugh at the that.

I have found that I am feeling negative & there is also negativity going on in my small family.

I have slipped quit a few times with digs & control stuff (fun sucker)

Well I am now trying to fake it for the sake of my kids, & Let go & let God

Thanks for sharing your day mine dosn't feel so bad.

 

Hugs

Alan

(((cyn))) i hear you. my family's antics are much the same. i've been reading your posts and while this is the one i am responding to, i'm responding from having read them all. i am 31 and often feel much the same way in my familys' presence. damned if you do and dmaned if you don't, so i feel you are doing the right thing to take care of yourself. this was my husband's first experience with all of it, and i could feel myself getting anxious for his not always responding as he "should"...before I said to myself, wait a minute, there is no reason for this! I started watching his responses, because they are the responses of someone who has not been raised in this environment, and therefore are probably much more "normal" than they feel to me. What a lesson. What I see now is that it's not just my immediate family, but my extended family, too. We really do teach each other how to treat one another. congrats to you for taking steps to break the cycle. nothing changes if nothing changes. it feels weird because it's different, not because it's wrong. keep up the good work! -Kristen