The day is finally upon us. My sons and I went to church service last night and I cried through the entire thing. I hope I did not embarass my sons. It seems to be the place that I let go and cry, uncontrollably. Very few people there no what is going on and only the pastor knows where my A is today, sooo god only knows what they were all thinking. I was just so confused. I was praying that everything I am hearing about the power of God is true, that He will come through, because I have really gone out on a limb here with Him. Lifted up my A's suicidal state to him, asked him to be what I know I cannot, his rock and hope and pray that he is going to do it. Because if not.....Well just if not.... I am bringing the boys to see their dad today at the hospital. They are very excited to see him. It will not be the Christmas of dreams, but he is safe there and we did not have to be anxious all weekend that he had been released and did not want to go into treatment. We can save that anxiety for later. It will be a short visit, only about 15 minutes, as they are too young to go into the unit and a staff member has to supervise due to insurance regulations. It is a long drive, but will be worth it. For all of us, me included. Then we will go to my FIL's house. My husband's whole family will be there and my stepdaughter who moved out of our house 8 months ago to go live with her mother she had not seen or spoken to in 4 years. Talk about anxiety. I certainly would love a glass of wine at that family function lol. Won't be any there, it is a family in which everyone is at one state or another of this vicious disease. I'm not kidding, half way houses, rehabs, pretend sobriety. that is what it is with most of them. It was just that my A was the one that always held it together, he was the white knight for everyone else. That is during his sober years, (11) so it is very hard knowing that this year, he, my sons, and I will be the topic of conversation, both direct and behind our backs. Well, guess what, it is 5:56 and Santa came to my house. Fake til you make it. Here I go. Merry Christmas to all of you, Lynn

Hi Lynn

 

Merry Christmas

(((Lynn))) Stay strong

I learned that when questions prying and personal were directed to me to divert the question to some other topic.

I am sure that i will get a chance to use this technique today.

I too cry in church, it seems I can let loose there and release the stress.

In support

 

megan

Merry Christmas Lynn! you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers. Jennifer

Merry Christmas Lynn and family. I think our HP's just have a plan for all of us. Your feelings are real and honest. I think it is good to let our children see our true feelings.

In support,

Nancy

(((lynn)))) have a very wonderful day today. you seem strong. i know how it feels to be topic of conversation as well so i did what i could to avoid me hearing it this year by just staying home. im feeling better, i got a lot out in chat last night. my mom is coming over later today or this evening. ty so much for your support. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.tc and merry christmas.

Lynn glad your A is still in hospital for today it will give you much need breathing space and down time.  I will pray that you get through this time and it is a lovely day for you and your kids.  Luv Leo xx

Lynn: I am sorry that today has been so difficult for you. I also am glad that you have this gorup and can reach out here and let your truth be known. My own truth is sometimes very very difficult to deal with and I know when I can approach it the toxicity of it melts some.

Right now I am grieving a very very difficult adolescence as well as the dysfunctional choices I made as an adult. There is no more should have/could have/would have there just "is".  I know I can make better choices when I can grieve but grieving takes a lot of time energy and space and I have to survive too.

I am glad to know you and know your courage in facing such tremendous challenges.

Maresie.