Alright, this is the way it is. Tonight is Christmas Eve, I have two small children. I am a freak who doesn't want to do any christmas. I know there were women posting here that were upset that they couldn't give their children Christmas, well, then come and trade places with me. My Husband drives me crazy. Today I hate his friggin guts. My Children are out of control, I wish I never had them. I am friggin pissed off at the world. I am supposed to go to a party tonight, and would rather pull a "castaway" and knock out my own teeth with a figure skate. Then I am supposed to go to Midnight Mass....Um...no thanks. I am frikin tired of doing what is "right". Going home for the holidays, sending cards, wrapping presents, having peole over, playing nice, giving tips. What for? Why am I doing all this? THere is NOTHING in it for me. Only work work, work. You know what else, I have extreme Premenstrual Dysphoric Disfunction...I live in a city where I can't see a friggin doctor until FEBRUARY (and I made the apt in Oct) I don't know what is killing me more, the PMDD, the alcoholic, or the season. I get the suggestion to take care of me first. So, I have a nice long bath yesterday night, sleep in this morning, and get up to coffee and a paper. I eat a good breakfast, and am so miserable I crawl back into bed. I hate the way I feel tonight, and don't want to bring down this stupid Christmas eve thing I am going to, so I go for a brisk. long walk. Does it help? NO! I am writing this post, aren't I? I am so full of resentment, bitter, deadly resentment. It is not the alcoholic that is making me miserable, it is my own thoughts. I hate me, I hate him, and I hate my life. (One Hour Later...) Well, I took some Midol. Asked the kids and the husband to leave me alone, and meditated. I phoned a friend, and now feel MUCH better. I hate the way my PMDD works, and am sad that it comes right on christmas eve, but what am I to do? I can't control PMS. I did what I could. I am really tired now, but am going to go upstairs, paint my face, comb my hair, and ask God to give me some spirit. I am looking forward to the party now, and hope I get a second wind. Thanks all for reading my post, taking the time to reply when someone is down. For many of us, this is the only place we feel safe enough to feel. Merry Christmas Aron

-- Edited by captcodee at 20:59, 2005-12-24

-- Edited by captcodee at 21:00, 2005-12-24

((((((((Captcodee)))))))))  I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  I wish I could give you a real hug right now because it sure sounds like you need one.

I honestly don't even know what to say at this moment to offer you comfort other than I have felt the way you do right now.  I have hated my husband, I have wished I never had any of my 5 kids, I have felt like all I do is do do do for everyone and always try to do the *right* things and I get nothing in return, I have at times tried to do little things for me to pull myself out of that sorta frame of mind and sometimes nothing seems to work.

May I suggest going to a quiet spot and saying an open honest prayer to God?  When I feel totally overwhelmed and really don't know what to pray, my sponsor suggested I simply pray *Help Me*  Maybe start with that.

If you feel that strongly about not going to this party.........than don't go.  If it's really something you are dreading, than don't put yourself through it.

I don't know what else to say except I am saying a prayer for you right now, and you are not alone.  We're all there with you in spirit.

 

(((capt)))) i know how you feel so much. my xmas eve sucks too. my a and i are done and im alone. this sucks so bad. keep venting it all out

(((Captcodee)))

I have I don't know what you call it - but extremely friggin painful periods where I can hardly get out of bed & makes my other disease worse.  Basically it amplifies pain.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  One day I was kinda in your frame of mind.  Tired of doing the right things, being the "good girl" "good citizen, resident" etc.  I sat & maid a list of rules to rebel just for fun.  Stupid things to make me laugh - like what if I do run outside with wet hair & bare feet or go swimming after eating? - I don't remember the other ones.  Christmas expectations don't help & I vomit when I see those perfume commercials where they sing romantic songs & everything is perfect - ugg.  I'm alone w/ doggy tonight & tomorrow - just taking it easy.  We had our family thing last weekend.  I'm kinda grateful that part is over.  You are right to take care of yourself.  I know I can turn into superb*** real easy during that time.  I don't have good advice - just want you to know I care.

Hugs & heating pads,

Cedarpines

(((((((((ARON)))))))))),

I read the post after you edited it. I am glad that you are feeling better. There is not much else I can do but read your venting. We all need that evey once in a while. I know many times the safety of this place to vent is all that I have. I am glad we can be here for you.

Much Love and wishing you some peace and serenity,

Thanks Aron, for your honesty in your post..... Although I must admit I enjoy the second Aron in your post much better than the first one, it is important to acknowledge the first one, and learn from her.  This post makes you much more "real" to me, than most have before.... And real, even if it is not "perfect", is a good thing...

I hope you have  a great Christmas, regardless of what others are or aren't doing...

Take care

Tom

Good morning Aron,

I have been where you are many times. When my 3 sons were young, sometimes I would just go ballistic at Christmas. I would whack those cookies, shop, clean, send cards,  and cook that great Christmas dinner. And my gift usually would be my PMS and then I would turn into the Christmas witch. Then everyone would say what is wrong with her, especially my A husband who would say but we do help you. It would also be all for the kids and what they wanted and what our families thought Christmas should be. Over the years we gradually pulled out of the "big" Christmas and tried to do our own thing. And we try to be more benevolent towards others. My A always grumbles, grabs his plate of Christmas dinner, and watches football on TV. All he worries about is if he is happy.

So honor your feelings because they are real. You are not your feelings. And your feelings start with your thougths. Create what you want and what is important to you. Over the years we just had to tell our kids that this is Christmas to us and it is different than the cousins'. Your A will probably never change and continue to be that bump on the couch if he is like mine.

Things change too. Two of our boys are in college and we just tell them that Christmas will be small this year. Go see your cousins. And my other son is overseas in the military and I pray for him. What do you want me to cook for you? Please help me with the chores. My A will only respond if I ask him directly for help. And as for your little monthly visitor, I have been where you are and at 56 years old have found very little medical help. I have found that I have to share with a female friend (my houseful of men don't symphathize) and stop everything that I am doing until it passes.

I am up early putting nuts and oranges in the stockings. That's all my dad said he got for Christmas. Thanks for sharing.

In support,

Nancy

Hope things went ok last night. Its awfully hard to be everything to everyone. I've been sick at Christmas b4---thank God not this year----it sucks. I just want to thank you for all your wisdom and kind words this year. Speaking for myself, I have benefited many times from your wise postings. I am sorry---but kind of relieved too--when I see you having a bad time. take care Aron--you've got a lot on your plate!! Jeanne

I have definitely had the physical issues that took over all else.  Two years ago I was taking some medication that put me into early menopause. Suddenly I had no pause button on the heating system. I could not stand it.  I stopped taking the medication and have not yet ventured out to get other medical help. I think one needs a lot of frustration tolerance to deal with the medical community.

My boyfriend has had a lot of medical problems this year. I have been extremely kind compassionate and responsive to him. He was not that way to me on many many levels. I do know he gets it from his mother who is totally phobic about illness. At the same time I deserve to be heard, taken care of and attended to when ill. Right now I have to do that but I remain aware that my boyfriend is not going to get magically able to do that anytime soon.  I can be in reality about it rather than sick in resentment with it.

I do know that making space for me when I am sick is very very very hard. I have a lifetime spent in over giving to others. I am trying working hard to turn that around now.  I am aware of it and no longer acting compulsively on it. Neither am I looking for magical solutions to it.

 

Maresie.