Good gravy I have run through the whole rollercoaster of emotions this week. Ok here it goes and please give me your honest opinion on this one.
After spending the last couple days alone, thinking, being kind to myself and rereading some literature, I am wondering if I owe my husband an apology for the way I reacted. I am still angry and not happy over what he has done and I did/do need time to myself. I do know I reacted to his disease and not to him. I was reading a book that said something on the order of .. you would not throw a stone at a sick dog. That one hurt.
I was practicing protecting myself which is good, but was I really practicing the humane side of not punishing my A for his actions? I definitely let anger and fear rule my reaction. I can honestly say I would not have been open to any explanantion, and I did not take into consideration the stress he has been under with holidays and not knowing if he wanted to be around his family (not a good enviroment) or not.
Any suggestions on an apology for my way of reacting without losing the message that lies are not acceptable?
canadianguy said
Dec 24, 2005
Hmmm.... my practice is to never apologize to an active A, as my experience has been that they will manipulate the apology to their own unhealthy needs and desires....
Have you ever thought of "making amends" instead?? The main difference here, is that you make the amends for YOU, and not for him. You simply acknowledge your behavior (that you want to change), and commit to trying not to repeat it.... No "I'm sorry", just a simple acknowledgement that you are accepting "your part", and a commitment that you are going to "try to do something about it"....
I think it is a subtle, but huge difference.
Take care
Tom
Jill said
Dec 24, 2005
hi Jennifer, what you're describing happens to me when I detatch instead of detatching with love. It's a huge difference for me, and when I do it with love, it allows me to live with myself and the memory of how I behaved with the person from whom I detatched.
I like Tom's idea of making amends - very alanon, too.
I hope it works out so you can find peace. ---Jill
Jennifer said
Dec 24, 2005
Hello Tom and Jill
Thank you both for your input. I agree with Tom it could easily come back with manipulation. I'm glad that is one wall I can avoid ramming head into
And I believe I can use the fact that I realised what I was doing .. late but better than never, to make changes in how I express myself.
Good gravy I have run through the whole rollercoaster of emotions this week. Ok here it goes and please give me your honest opinion on this one.
After spending the last couple days alone, thinking, being kind to myself and rereading some literature, I am wondering if I owe my husband an apology for the way I reacted. I am still angry and not happy over what he has done and I did/do need time to myself. I do know I reacted to his disease and not to him. I was reading a book that said something on the order of .. you would not throw a stone at a sick dog. That one hurt.
I was practicing protecting myself which is good, but was I really practicing the humane side of not punishing my A for his actions? I definitely let anger and fear rule my reaction. I can honestly say I would not have been open to any explanantion, and I did not take into consideration the stress he has been under with holidays and not knowing if he wanted to be around his family (not a good enviroment) or not.
Any suggestions on an apology for my way of reacting without losing the message that lies are not acceptable?
Hmmm.... my practice is to never apologize to an active A, as my experience has been that they will manipulate the apology to their own unhealthy needs and desires....
Have you ever thought of "making amends" instead?? The main difference here, is that you make the amends for YOU, and not for him. You simply acknowledge your behavior (that you want to change), and commit to trying not to repeat it.... No "I'm sorry", just a simple acknowledgement that you are accepting "your part", and a commitment that you are going to "try to do something about it"....
I think it is a subtle, but huge difference.
Take care
Tom
hi Jennifer, what you're describing happens to me when I detatch instead of detatching with love. It's a huge difference for me, and when I do it with love, it allows me to live with myself and the memory of how I behaved with the person from whom I detatched.
I like Tom's idea of making amends - very alanon, too.
I hope it works out so you can find peace. ---Jill
Hello Tom and Jill
Thank you both for your input. I agree with Tom it could easily come back with manipulation. I'm glad that is one wall I can avoid ramming head into
And I believe I can use the fact that I realised what I was doing .. late but better than never, to make changes in how I express myself.
Jennifer