it has been awhile since my last post. I hope everyone is well. I have a question. My A just started Christmas shopping yesterday, Friday. He got every thing for me, and our 2 kids. But he has bought NOTHING for his parents, or his nephew. He did get something for his niece. He told me to wake him up today at 8:00 a.m so he could go shopping. Well, he decided to go get TRASHED last night, I mean BAD! He fell asleep around 5:00am. So he is done for the day. I tried to wake him around 9:30, and basically, he pinned me down in the face with his elbow and said "don't xxxx annoy me." So I am done, I am not waking him up again. My question is, should I just go buy the gifts for his family? I will feel bad if they don't get anything, and he will probably yell at me. But for me to get to the store today will be tough. I have an 8mos. old, and a 2 and a half year old, so I don't even like to go shopping with them when it is NOT Christmas Eve. It is just too much. I don't want his parents or his nephew to not get anything, but at the same time, I feel like if I go and shop for him, then he has no consequences for his actions. He knew he had to shop today, and he went and got trashed anyway. I knew this would happen, and he probably did to, he just figured that I would do it for him if he slept all day. I always cover for him. It's not right, and I am tired of it. I don't know. I don't have the money to go buy them anything either. He has the money. What do you all think? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Leah
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:55:14 PM
leo said
Dec 24, 2005
I have an idea maybe you could make something for them do you do crafts or sew? I am probably the last person to suggest this since I do neither but try and look around at what you have in the house that way you will not feel bad if they don't get gifts. Up to you hope this helps a little. Leo xx
Christy said
Dec 24, 2005
Leah,
The stores are open all day today and in to the night, he will wake up today eventually. He may have to go to a Walmart or Walgreen's at midnight if need be..most are open 24 hrs. No way should you have to face the rush with two little ones in tow. Why should you be punished?
Alanon teaches us that this is what HE chose to do and should pick up the pieces or deal with the consequences.
Covering for them and making excuses is part of what makes us just as sick as they are. We lose our self respect in doing so, becoming liars to protect their behavior.
I refuse to lie for mine, make excuses or protect his drinking in any way. These are his choices and I choose not to protect his disease or his actions.
My boundaries are set, if I allow him to cross them the same thing will happen repeatedly.
***The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Keep the focus on you and your children and have a wonderfl Christmas. Try to make memories that you can look back on and smile at instead of making new resentments to hold on to. Let go and let God :)
Christy
Joycie said
Dec 24, 2005
Hey,
don't worry about it, that was his decision, my dad has done that so many times, sometimes I just don't know whether to sit down and cry or go do something that he needed to get done, I being only 14 get so confused sometimes...
But you have two small children to take care of, make SURE that they have everything THEY need if you dont have the money to go out and buy stuff, dont, thats all you can do, if at some point he desides to wake up, tell him nicely, that he needs to go shopping, and leave it at that.
<3 Joycie
Jennifer said
Dec 24, 2005
Hello Leah,
I tried to answer this a minute ago but my connection clogged so hopefully it will not double post. I have found two solutions for my A's Christmas shopping procrastination.
If I need to go out for myself anyway and see something that may work for his gift giving responsibilities, I will pick it up for him. Rationalization ... I would do this for my Mom, friend or coworker who was running late and i knew they needed it, to save them time etc.
The second is I simply don't, it saves me guilt for enabling and makes me feel better that I am not trying to keep the full extent of his actions from his family.
It's a tough one. I wish you and your family Happy Holidays, take care of yourself.
Jennifer
Flora123 said
Dec 24, 2005
Dear Leah,
Thank you for posting this. I have not been in this situation - my late husband was acoa, and.... I ended up being resposible for all gifts, even his mother's day card to HIS mother!
There was a situation, once, at a social gathering of alanon - oh yes, we damaged too! Some people had promised gifts for a raffle - they did not deliver, but, their groups had contributed. So, we ended up with prizes of money, best thing to do, in the circumstances. But, I was furious, I had spent my time and energy, these people could not even go out and buy a plant/box of chocolates, whatever. Guess what, raffle great success, people liked winning the money!!!!! Lolol, no message here, that is the way it is. If he cant get up - maybe he will give them a few dollars, maybe, they will be delighted! It is not your problem.
This all has something to do with responsibility, and boundaries. You are taking responsibility, your kids are provided for - only you can set your boundaries. I know you have young children, would be easy to say you not able to do his shopping. Just feel, in my heart, that not the whole story, you can see, for yourself, you need some boundaries here - only you can set them, and only for yourself.
I think you are doing great Leah, your children are provided for, yes, you have an extended family, think about this, set your priorities, find your own comfort level. Most of all, do it for you.
Lots of love,
Flora
xxxx
it has been awhile since my last post. I hope everyone is well. I have a question. My A just started Christmas shopping yesterday, Friday. He got every thing for me, and our 2 kids. But he has bought NOTHING for his parents, or his nephew. He did get something for his niece. He told me to wake him up today at 8:00 a.m so he could go shopping. Well, he decided to go get TRASHED last night, I mean BAD! He fell asleep around 5:00am. So he is done for the day. I tried to wake him around 9:30, and basically, he pinned me down in the face with his elbow and said "don't xxxx annoy me." So I am done, I am not waking him up again. My question is, should I just go buy the gifts for his family? I will feel bad if they don't get anything, and he will probably yell at me. But for me to get to the store today will be tough. I have an 8mos. old, and a 2 and a half year old, so I don't even like to go shopping with them when it is NOT Christmas Eve. It is just too much. I don't want his parents or his nephew to not get anything, but at the same time, I feel like if I go and shop for him, then he has no consequences for his actions. He knew he had to shop today, and he went and got trashed anyway. I knew this would happen, and he probably did to, he just figured that I would do it for him if he slept all day. I always cover for him. It's not right, and I am tired of it. I don't know. I don't have the money to go buy them anything either. He has the money. What do you all think? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Leah
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:55:14 PM
Hey,
don't worry about it, that was his decision, my dad has done that so many times, sometimes I just don't know whether to sit down and cry or go do something that he needed to get done, I being only 14 get so confused sometimes...
But you have two small children to take care of, make SURE that they have everything THEY need if you dont have the money to go out and buy stuff, dont, thats all you can do, if at some point he desides to wake up, tell him nicely, that he needs to go shopping, and leave it at that.
<3 Joycie
Hello Leah,
I tried to answer this a minute ago but my connection clogged so hopefully it will not double post. I have found two solutions for my A's Christmas shopping procrastination.
If I need to go out for myself anyway and see something that may work for his gift giving responsibilities, I will pick it up for him. Rationalization ... I would do this for my Mom, friend or coworker who was running late and i knew they needed it, to save them time etc.
The second is I simply don't, it saves me guilt for enabling and makes me feel better that I am not trying to keep the full extent of his actions from his family.
It's a tough one. I wish you and your family Happy Holidays, take care of yourself.
Jennifer