I need to some feed back on how much I should let go of my 17 year old son.  His dad and I have been divorced since my son was 2.  My xhusband is the alcoholic.  Whenever my son and his dad are getting along.  My son starts treating me and his step dad badly.   My husband and I have always been there for him.  We have been to his football games, basketball games among other things.  His dad has hardly been to anything.  His dad leaves nasty messages on our phone.  I know that his dad talks badly about me and his stepdad.  I can tell by the way my son reacts to us.  Lately he has taken stuff from our bedroom.  The last thing he has done is take some coins from my husband that he had hidden in our closet.  We have put a lock on our bedroom door so that he will not steal anything else.  He has been very disrespectful to me.  His dad lately has been buying things for my son.  We have been not giving that much to my son because for one we can't afford.  The main reason is I want him to become more responsible.  The way my son has been treating us lately I don't feel I should give him anything at all.  I am thinking about when he turns 18 in a couple of months just letting him move in with his dad.  So that he can see that the grass isn't always greener on the otherside.  One of the reasons I am worried about letting my son go live with his dad is because his dad is a very good manipulator.  I am afraid I will never hear from him again.  Also I am concerned about my son graduating.  His dad leaves 40 mins away and Joe isn't very good at getting up in the morning.  I am afraid that he will miss to many classes and end up dropping out.  My main question is hom much should I let go with my son.  I think I should just stop giving him money at all except for food and a roof over his head and when he turns 18 let him go live with his dad.  Does anyone have any input?

Hi JStickels,

I have 3 sons. I think boys get angry especially when they need more time with their dad. My sons get mad at me when I don't measure up. My sons can also be maniupulative particularly when they sense a riff between me and their dad (we are separated). Sometimes it is hard but we have to set good boundaries to protect them and us. Also, once they turn 18 they are off and running and there is not much we can do.

In supports,

Nanchy

I am a person who is incredibly over responsible for others and under responsible for myself. I think it is very very hard in a family sometimes to work out who one is angry at.  My elder sister is a total rageaholic and my younger sister a "nice" alcholic. She graduated from being a out and out drunk to being a closet drunk.  I dunno who I am angrier at somedays I just feel so abandoned by both of them.

Right now I am working on just how angry I am at their denial, their sense of entitlement and more.  I am also working on boundaries with them and crafting a letter to my younger sister with them in it.  I think it takes a lot of time to work on boundaries, set them, reinforce them and re-set them. None of this comes overnight but it sure is worth the process.

I know if I can have boundaries with my sister(s) I can have boundaries elsewhere and that is very very worth doing.

Everyone has their issues, none of us have an issue free, seemingly blissful life (that's a magical non reality). I just have to find ways to make my issues bearable through distress tolerance and other skills that of course I did not get to learn till I was an adult. But I was willing and I am learning them and someday boundaries won't be such an effort for me.

Maresie.

Hi I have a 17 year old son also. You need to put some boundaries up about what is acceptable in your house and what is not.  I imagine it is particularly hard for your partner because your son is probably saying you are not my father you cannot tell me what to do.  Some of his behaviour is adolescence and the transition between not really being a kid and not an adult either.  His real Dad would be stoking the fire I am sure.  As for having to lock everything up in your house well that is not on.  I cannot tell you what to do it is so hard at this age.  I would be in two minds as well do I say okay it is your choice you either live here under these rules or you go to your Dad.  If he does end up going to his Dads again the responsibility is on your son to get to college not to rely on other people. If he doesn't get there on time he suffers the consequences.  I am a real control freak and up until 3 months ago I was waking my 17yo every morning for work and dropping him off.  Someone said to me if he doesn't get up in time it is his problem.  But because I like to be on time and am responsible I thought that was helping him.  I realize it wasn't.  He now has his own licence and gets himself up and doesn't even ask if I can wake him.  It is called letting go.  Very hard when you are a Mum I know. Hope this helps a little.  Luv Leo xx

-- Edited by leo at 09:06, 2005-12-24

I think Detach With Love might apply here.  If you pack him off to his dad's, let him get up or not in the morning, whether he finishes high school or not, be sure he knows that you love him very much.  Tell him that you love him, write little notes, really listen to him talk without judgment.  I think locking your room door sets a good boundary.  There are probably others you could set.  Maybe we should call it Detach with Love and Set Boundaries with Love?  lol  This may be painful, but possibly it could all turn out alright. Maybe spending time with his father will cause your son to miss you a bit more. As he begins to experience his own decisions and consequences, maybe he will make more responsible choices.  Turning him over to your/his HP and having faith can be such a hard thing.  Hugs.