After my f2f meeting, I didn't want to go and sit home alone so I decided to go out to the bar and socialize.  I figured it would be safe - my ex g/f has a class on Wed. and is busy with work so shouldn't be out.  I was wrong!!!!  I go in and I see her with the ex g/f before me.  They are with a group and laughing, dancing.  It hurt and still does.  I wanted to go talk to friends and get a break from the depression I am in.  Instead, as I sat drinking my water and staring at a video game monitor with no one to socialize with, she is out having fun.  I sat there and the tears started.

Finishing my water and feeling very passive/aggressive (my ex was dancing with her ex at the time) I approached their table and asked the two women there which drink was my ex's.  They pointed it out and I picked it up and tossed it in the trash on my way out the door.  Didn't solve anything of course but I was feeling violent and since I refuse to act out by hitting anyone it was what I did.

Then on the drive home, I was screaming and crying the whole way.  I could barely see and was driving on the freeway!! Made it home safely fortunately.  Called and left a msg on her voice mail calling her names.  Then called back and said that I knew that my actions at the bar and the voice mail were inappropriate but that I am very hurt and feel used as a rebound.

When I got home, my crying woke my roommate.  I went in and was crying on her bed but she was upset and impatient with me because I woke her up.  So I went to my room to cry instead.

Called a friend who was at work and talked a few minutes with her.  Of course, she is a work so she suggested I call another friend that was out and about.  Called that friend but she is busy partying so she wasn't available.

In the meantime, I called my ex again and left another message saying that I feel it is unfair that she can go and have her friends around her when I am all alone and have no one to lean on.  In one of the calls I made to her tonight, I also mentioned that I realize that she probably thinks I am obsessing on her right now by calling so much but since she was a main part of my support network I really don't have anyone else to turn to.

I am out of control!!!!!!!! I am alone.  My roommate asked me to move out yesterday so she can sell the house and move to Phoenix.  My mom and sister have been calling me the last couple of days with their health emergencies.  I am expected to take care of everyone else but no one is here to help me when I need it.

I know how you feel about ppl coming to you & expecting you to just happily be at their disposal & save the world & have your life be a happy, great success.

I have felt emotionally abandonned by my mother, she is my only relative, we are very close and yet she has no idea how I feel, often she vents & yells at me.  I am in a weird situation with my mom & step-father, I am 37 & have "worked for the family" forever.  Plus all of the emotional enmeshment.  She yells at me not to be co-dependent on her but then we are all so sick...  like today she called me at 10 am to ask if I would come over around noon, to dog-sit & spend the night.  She will pay me good money, so I really have nothing to bitch about...  didn't have any plans.

Took one cat w/ me left my other 2, with the tv on - they sit & make out all night, they'll be fine but they do miss me & like to sleep on me.  I know it stresses them whether I leave overnight (it would stress them more to bring them).  The 3 dogs are a lot of work. 

This Christmas is going to suck - the blurted out some amount of money she would give me for Christmas, which is wonderful, why couldn't she just give me the money...  it's like she is snapping at me over it all.  Her husband is locked out of the house, admitted to cheatting for 15 years, blaming his alcoholism for his behaviour.

I thought about writing him a poem for Christmas.  We usually celebrate on Christmas Eve, I just don't know.  I met a man I really care about just a month ago, after being alone, choosing to be alone for a year.  He just found out last week, he might be moving out of state in 2 weeks.  I have to accept what HP delivers...  I'll assume we aren't meant to be together if he moves away, I love him so I will be happy for him no matter what happens.

I have to accept what happens.  I can't give my step-father honor & integrity, I can't make my mother understand that she is still abusing me, when she ignores me when I come over & remains unavailable to me. 

I am having growing pains.  I'm sorry you are hurting to.  I just want to focus on myself, trying to learn to love myself but it is so hard, I get sucked in so easily.  I can't even sleep over here.

Take care of yourself, think of you, first.  That is what I am trying to do.

love, -K

I have done thing. At the bar I just to tip over his drinks and make scences.  So don't feel so bad. It does get better. Working on getting a sponsor and alanon friends. It will get better. It posting.

Looks like you have some choices to make here. 

You can choose to continue to feel sorry for yourself, continue to blame your unhappiness on everyone else, continue to expect others to either make you happy or be miserable themselves, continue to carry on in an unacceptable way, continue to negatively affect those around you with your attitude and behavior and continue to try to control situations and people you have absolutley no control over.  The result of going on like this will be your life will remain unmanageable and happiness and serenity will remain out of your grasp.

Or........

You can choose to take responsiblity for your actions.  You can choose to stop expecting others to fulfill you and make you happy.  You can choose to change your attitude regarding situations and people you have no control over, you can choose to take the focus off everyone else around you and put it back on yourself where it belongs, you can choose to work a program of recovery which includes face to face meetings, a sponsor, working the steps and learning how to use the tools of this program.  The result of making these changes will eventually be happiness, self respect, a sense of accomplishment, a manabeable life and serenity.

The choice is yours, so which do you choose?

((((((((((((((((((Angel))))))))))))))))))))))))),

I feel your pain and I am so sorry that it happened.  If things happen for a reason and you can see that, then you will know that you were meant to be at that place and time (despite the fact that your GF was supposed to be somewhere else).  My wise mother used to say "what I don't know won't hurt me."  It's so true.

Try to find another place to go to.  I know it's unfair and I agree.  But our HP has a way of protecting us (if we want his guidance).  And who knows, maybe you will meet a new friend (for friend's sake) in the most unexpected place.

But take care of you -- that's most important.  Regarding your family, when they bring an issue to you, just look them in the eye lovingly and say "you know I am sorry for (whatever ails you at this time) but you see I am dealing with my own pain right now so if you could understand that, I'd appreciate it."  It's amazing when I have to say no, I may disappoint someone.  But better disappoint them, then do something for them and have all these resentments that end up surfacing at the most inappropriate times.  Ya know what I mean?

Get to meetings.  That's the best place to find support and socialization.  One each day if need be.  Get a sponsor.  Although people cannot be there for us 24/7; try not to take it personal.  It just may mean you need to get to more meetings and meet more people.

And remember "Easy does it" too.  You are human and yes you should not have done what you did.  Remember "if it's hysterical, it will be historical."  meaning if you make a scene, people will always remember.  But now that it's done, try to let go.  When you feel the urge to call, call on your HP.  He's always there and available for us.  I leave you with this poem,

I pray that this prayer will bless you as it blessed me.

 

Hello God,

I called tonight

To talk a little while

I need a friend who'll listen

To my anxiety and trial.

You see, I can't quite make it

Through a day just on my own...

I need your love to guide me,

So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep

My family safe and sound.

Come and fill their lives with confidence

For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face

Each hour throughout the day,

And not to worry over things

I can't change in any way.

I thank you God for being home

And listening to my call,

For giving me such good advice

When I stumble and fall.

Your number, God, is the only one

That answers every time.

I never get a busy signal,

Never had to pay a dime.

So thank you, God, for listening

To my troubles and my sorrow.

Good night, God, I love You too,

And I'll call again tomorrow!

Keep coming Angel and Keep posting.  We love and understand you as perhaps few others can.

yours in recovery,

Maria123

Thank you everyone for responding with your own experiences and wisdom.  It is very hard for me right now as I sit on my pity pot.  I made an appt with a psychologist for next week who has experience working with aca and twelve step programs.  Now I just have to make it to next week.  I am so tired and yet I know that I have so much to do.  Where will the energy come from?  Working on step two - hope soon to be ready for step three.  Need my HP but need to work on my concept of him first.

Angelina

Dear Angel, You are making it - you have got through step one, admitted you were powerless, over alcohol. Most of us here, have had to do this step, sometimes, we can feel very virtuous, have progressed so much, truth is, we come back, time and again, to step 1. I used to be so fearful, thought step 4 the real make or break, the truth is, until we can get through, and understand, step 1, we are stuck. So, give yourself some credit, you have achieved insight into this whole, sick mess of alcoholism.. So what, you threw away a drink, lol, ask anyone here, we have thrown them into faces, through glass windows...... You are making progress, Angel, it is sometimes a scary thing, we are comfortable with the things we know. Be proud, you are moving forward, take good care of you. Lots of love, Flora xxxx

Dear (((((((((Angelinme))))))))),

Whenever I'm in a funk--be it anger, rage, sadness--whatever, I'm completely unconvinced that self-care will work. My problems are SOOOO big. How could a nice walk or a bubble bath or an especially nice dinner really help? But, for me, when I do finally take a moment to ask myself, "How can I take care of myself right now?" or "What do I need in this moment?" and give myself what I am truly yearning for, it works miracles. I'm always surprised at how good I feel--calm, capable, and confident. You are your own best thing, girl! So, you acted in a way you regretted? Not the end of the world! Just another signal that you need some TLC from YOU. Don't be so hard on yourself and take good care of that Angelin!

Bluecloud 

Got out of the house and went downtown to see what places might be up for rent.  I made it for two hours but was so tired from the effort that I slept for two hours afterwards.  Taking care of myself sounds so nice but I am not sure what I want that I can give me.  I was thinking tonight that one of my problems is that I wish I had a mom I could turn to who would hold me and tell me everything will turn out fine.  I have heard the words here and while they help I still hurt.  I feel so childish for wanting to be held.

Falling into depression and I can't do it.  I have too many things to do - find a new place to live, put together lesson plans for next semester, set up the classroom.  I feel overwhelmed.

Tired............

Angelina