This is just so unfair, just when I think I am doing ok I fall back intoa pit. I went to see my A in the hospital yesterday to meet with the Dr. and the care coordinator. I thought it went ok but apparrently I was wrong. They have diagnosed him Bipolar and are starting him on Lithium and have increased the Zoloft. As I expected, he thought that this was going to be the end all answer to his addiction and was not thrilled to hear that they should be treated separately, although they are "dancing around together, without knowing who was leading" as the Dr. put it. The Dr. reiterated this to him and I thought he kind of got it. We talked a bit about what he was planning on doing when discharged from there. I guess I thought he would undoubtedly go into treatment. But... I guess I was wrong. He called last night and said he had spent the rest of the day in the dark by himself, thinking. Among other things, ways to end his life. Is he telling me this to make me feel guilty? Does he mean it??? I don't know, I am not a Dr. they are and they should be the ones having those conversations with him. He also got very angry. I had his ATM cards hotcarded so that he does not have use of them. He could go to the bank and take out money, but not with the convenience of the ATM cards. He knew I had done this, I told him the day I did it. He was not at all responsive at the time or since, until last night. I guess he was searching for something to blame me for and a justifiable reason to be angry with me and found it. I told him I did what I felt I needed to do and that I was not going to leave him without money, I just could not risk a $500 trip to the casino or some other mind boggling way to spend money we need for bills. He was very angry and I told him I did not need to speak to him if he was angry and that I would be happy to speak to him when he was not. Saved by the phone, his father was calling on the other payphone so he had to go. When I spoke to him later, nothing was mentioned..about the ATM card. However, he did allude to the fact that he was probably not going to go into treatment.. I just do not know what to do anymore. I think he is just trying to manipulate me and I am trying very hard not to manipulate him. I truly think he need treatment and told him that he cannot come home. I suppose deep down I truly thought he would choose to go into a rehab. but if not....I need to be strong but am just so tired. Enough for now, I guess I had a lot going on in my head. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. It helped just to write it down. My head is spinning and I am exhausted. This disease SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lynn

((((confused)))) big hugs to you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but feeling a little lost in your heart about it.  For me doing the right things often feels wrong - I feel guilty because it doesn't feel familiar.  But that passes in time.  You are doing a great job.  Hang in there!

I deal with suicide threats quite often, too. Someone here suggested in response I try saying, "I am very sorry you feel that way but I can't help you."  I remind them about their doctor, and I also remind them of hotlines. In some cases I have even called the dr to give them a heads up what is going on.  I remind myself they are going to do what they are going to do.  I keep my words kind, and I keep my heart respectful, but I try not to let my emotions in the door of those conversations. My emotions will always win, which in a conversation like that means I am bound to lose. So I try not to go there in the first place.

Take care of YOU!  You're worth it.  :)

Kristen

Sounds like the Doctor's are aware of his addictions, and taking them seriously, which is good. All the rest of it is not up to you. One thing to keep in mind is that addicts will say one thing one day, another the next. Just because he says right now that he will not go for treatment, doesn't mean he won't. He's got a diagnosis now, doctors telling him "Yes, there is a problem" - that won't go away. He can't pretend (well, he WILL pretend, but you don't have to fall for it) that there is nothing wrong, that it's all in your head, that YOU'RE crazy, etc. Looks to me like lots of steps forward - you stood your ground about the ATM, very important and hard to do. You are making your own choices, rather than letting the disease make choices for you.

Hi Lynn,

Just try and deal with one thing at a time as it comes up.  You probably don't know where you stand from one day to the next.  The only thing you can do is set boundaries to protect yourself.  Life's other choices are up to your partner.  His moods etc and decisions he is making at the moment are probably going to be affected by his medication.  I am sorry but I am a bit naive about Bi-Polar disorder maybe you can share any information you have and it will help us to understand what you are going through.   Try and enjoy your Xmas day I hope that your A stays in for the day to give you a break. Here for you.    Luv Leo x

Dear Lyn, Sorry you are going through this - it will pass, though it doesn't seem that way at times. I so understand and relate to that feeling, needing to sleep, to rest, just have some peace. 3 months ago, my son had a psychotic episode - the first one - could not persuade him that he was ill, ended up with doctor, then 2 psychiatrists coming to house - he would not accept treatment, I had to have him committed. Once in hospital, he would not accept any meds, I thought it was going to end up with him being held down and forced to have treatment. Anyway, somehow, his survival instinct prevailed, they could keep him for 6 months if he kept refusing. He took the meds, is very much better....things are not perfect, he is back living with me, which I did not want. However, he is sane and lucid, no more delusions. At the time, he turned on me... how can you do this to me? He went out of my home in handcuffs, with a police guard and paramedics....... stage show of the year in this street. Get as much support as you can, I could not have made it without my alanon friends, phoning, texting, meeting and coming here, to this website. Stay strong, protect yourself, emotionally, and financially - you know he is sick. His recovery is not in your gift, you can only help yourself. Get some rest, see your own doctor, if you depressed, cant sleep. Take care of you. Lots of love, keep coming back, it will get better, Flora xxxx

I can definitely relate to being at a bottom dealing with my significant other (my boyfriends) money issues. Today another certified letter arrived.  I dread what it is.  I also know it is his business and I try to keep out of it.  At the same time since he is so often in crisis I am affected by it.  I get totally worn out and have to set boundaries or I will get ill I know that much.  At the same time on a long long term basis I am fed up with it.  I know I deserve a life that is more balance and cooperative.  At the same time I have a lot of compassion for him and his issues. So I do have to detach sometimes by the minute.  Love is not pity after all.

 

Maresie.

All I can say to offer you some comfort is what has worked for me when I make a true effort to apply it:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (your husbands diagnosis, frame of mind, acceptance of his depression as well as his addiction, choice of treatment or refusal of treatment, reaction to your decisions with the Atm card, choices etc)

The courage to change the things I can (your reaction to your husbands diagnosis, frame of mind, choice of treatment, attitude, moods etc)

And the wisdom to know the difference. (maybe put pen to paper and make two lists........one of things you can control and one of things you can't, then look at them accordingly)

When you say you just don't know what to do anymore.....ask yourself what exactly you are referring to.  If you're referring to your husbands choice of treatment.......well those decisions honestly don't have *your* name on them, they have his.  That's his business, even though I know it affects you as well.  You mentioned him not being able to come home if he doesn't accept some type of treatment I believe......now that is a decision that's within your control.  You can choose NOT to live with an active addict, or a person suffering with depression who is not willing to accept treament.  Have you really thought this through and are you able to support yourself without him?  This is a realistic boundary in my opinion.  *If you're not willing to seek treatment for your condition then I choose not to live with you at this time*  Just try not to make the mistake of using this as a threat in order to manipulate him into treatment.  Forcing someone in any way to get help will never work. They have to want it for themselves.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers for God to give you peace and give your husban the desire to do whatever it takes to get well.