Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.
---Rabindranath Tagore

There may be many things in our lives that seem unsure or doubtful. Whatever our hope or personal need today, we are not given the knowledge that tells us how things will turn out. In the predawn darkness we don't know how the day will unfold. Sometimes faith is simply a matter of continuing with our program in the midst of our doubt. Then we can be certain that whatever direction events take, whatever pain or trial we must deal with, we will still have ourselves because we have been faithful today.Ultimately, it is when we have ourselves and our integrity that we are on the recovery path. It is our faith that keeps us there regardless of the setbacks and personal moments of darkness we each must meet.I will be faithful to my program, even in the darkest moment of doubt or fear, and it will carry me through.

 

 

 

######ROSIE....yeah, like my future....will i make it??? will i grow old and alone, with noone to care for me????? yeah, i am UNsure AND doubtful......this has been a very "grey" at least 2 years, working this recovery.....saying hello's and soo many goodbye's to folks i thought really loved/ cared about me....so yeah, i am in the predawn darkness now....what am i doing??? i am taking care of me....NO expectations of what my HP will give/do for me....just take care of me and FIND something to be grateful for....give UP the *things i cannot control*.......... yep, i am going ON with my program in the midst of my doubts..........well its been mostly pain and trial since i began this.....sometimes i think i want to let it go so i can get rid of the pain/ trials, but i know than i will go back to being coda and misery again.....at least i have ME...my program....i don't have much else, but i got ME...my PROGRAM........i am trying to "go with the tide"....trying to give NON resistance....**go WITH the pain* i don't know WHAT else to do......NO expectations of what my HP can/will do for/with me.....just try to be brutally honest with me/ my HP/ sponser and do my best.....

######ROSIE.....oh yeah, i got me..ONLY me.......its been a VERY grey 2 years.....i don't know how long i can "keep my chin up" how many times can one "bounce back???"....i think the envelope is at the edge of the table with me.....i had two people i love, TURN on me ALL bcuz i won't be cruel to someone they hate....its stupid!!! i pay for doing what is right!!! so i give it up.....DETACH....

 

#######ROSIE......i have said "hello AND goodbye" to so many people i could describe my life as a greyhound bus station...."take your ticket (or a piece of my heart) and proceed to gate #_________and have a good trip..sorry you couldn't stay, but i learned something"...........its been this way for 2 years now.....the only diference between recovery and B4??? i can allow and feel and accept pain better....i can deal with my pain better.....i can love me/ take care of me/ nurture me.....but my life STILL feels like "is THIS all that there is????"

 

#####ROSIE....... i guess i really need to **grieve out* some more and take Xtra good care of me....faith??? WHAT faith???? all i can say is i DECIDE to trust in the process of the program/ recovery AND the program is helping me accept and deal with PAIN!!!!! setbacks??? personal moments of darkness???? its been going on 23 months now.........i am STILL hanging in there and it is DARK....doubt/ TONS of fear....but i stay in the program....what ELSE have i got??????? i CANT give up on me....if i give up on me, than i got NOTHING!!!! so i go on....ONE foot in front of the other, hoping, PRAYING i can see the light at the end of this tunnel, that seems to have NO end.........MAKING myself do my gratitude list....and believe it or not, i CAN think of stuff to be grateful for....there are days sometimes that all i can do is say "thank you HP for being HP" and that is it sometimes....but i keep digging for gratitude things.....hangin in there with the program/ steps/ meetings, the works, AND taking Xtra loving care/nurturing of me....HONESTY......NO Expectations , and TOTAL detaching........it HAS to change!!! they say NOTHING stays the same forever!!!! so TODAY, i begin again!!!!!

I am just here to be a little messenger or birdie or what ever ~ any message sent by a "tool" or vessel of God is a(n) Angel....

I see Angels around me every day, through nature, this program & it's members, even sometimes just a smile from a stranger lifts my soul & lets me remember God is with me.

You know my story dear heart, I suffered from depression & suicidal ideations for 20 years...  probably (now that I think on it - nearly to the day!) ~ in the last 2 months, after I forgave my ex husband completely & utterly I was able to have a glint of love for me.  It is something I have never experienced before in my entire life.

Being terribly co-dep & ACOA, I have given my love away more to my plants & work, let alone other people more than to me!  It was killing me spiritually, in fact, I prolly have been near death inside for a long time.  I am a weird mixed up dichotomy - I have healing abilities with my touch, God uses me, as long as he wants to I am here for God.  But I had no clue how to love myself or heal myself.  I was the "ultimate martyr puttinge veryone else before me & then I'd go a lil crazy - rebellious, lazy self-destructive, you name it, I am ACOA writing on the wall!  I have done all of the behaviours front & back.

It wasn't until I realized I wasn't any different from my A if I was throwing my life/love away on someone throwing their lives away.  Once that cognitive shift occurred for me, I have been a different person.

I thank God my two suicide attempts failed.  I have a voice.  You may be feeling weak, lonely or small today but I see you very brightly dear heart!  I learned early on that being vulnerable & letting go of defenses, fives a person great strength. 

Besides, we are all alone...  we are all we have.  but as my mom likes to remind me (from my melancholic words) - "we can all be alone together."  Like me being a healer but unable to heal myself - this gave me much guilt & suffering.  None of us are an island, we all need each other. Why else would we be here?  Unless we had something to learn. 

For a long time, I had wished, I could see myself through other ppl's eyes.  They always told me how strong I was, how capable but I couldn't see it.

I have love for myself today...  it is a new experience.  It is very small but i know that having me is a lot.  I have 3 cats that adore my feet & lick my tears.  I have a mother that I would have sacrificed myself for in a heart beat, today I now how sick of a thought that is.  I'll be 38 in March & I still feel like a helpless child but that is what is pleasing to God - a broken heart & a contrite spirit, & a willing & open mind.

It would kill me for my mother to know my pain...  she doesn't realize how she has abandonned me emotionally & how she still does.  Hell, she doesn't want to face her own pain.  It takes a lot of difficulty, courage & strength to face your own heart & mind. Most ppl are terrified to "see" themselves.

Knowing that you have yourself is everything. 

You're friends (loved ones) that wanted you to do something for them - or not talk to someone they didn't like - that is not love.  Love is not self serving...  it is the essence of God, that which is compassionate, empathetic, & kind.  

What's the real difference in a mustard seed & a molecule?  I think it was the technology, as those stories were "written for the day" 2,000 years ago.  I can see your molecule!

I love you kiddo, -K of LIGHT

Rosie,

In one of your replies to someone else, you mentioned using a ladder to feel safe. I really liked that metaphor and hope to use it relating to my husband.

Thanks,

Nancy

Hey Rosie you are alone in the physical sense of people being around you but spiritually you are rich.  We all love you here and even if we cannot be with you at this time of year you are still in our heart and thoughts.  Luv from across the miles in Australia.  Leo x