There are so many things in my future that I don't know what will happen or when.  There is so much I can't control.  I have decided that I have had enough sitting around waiting to see what is going to happen.  I need to be proactive instead of reactive.

I don't know if my daughter will ever come home.  I do know I can fix her room up and save up some money to redo it and put new furniture in there.   The money I am saving by not having to buy her clothes, toys...I can put into her bank account (She has a savings account) and spend it on her when/if she does come home.  If she does not, she will have money toward college/car/first apartment... I can write her letters every week and put them in a box in her room so she will know that not a day has went by while she was gone that I haven't thought about her.

I don't know if my son will ever get better with his mental illness, but I can continue to advocate for him and be sure he gets all of the help he needs.  I can continue to research his disorders.  I can provide the stability he needs to get better and be supportive and encouraging.  His therapist told me that I let him get away with murder because I am overcompensating for his past and the guilt I feel.  He said I need to set boundaries with him, be consistent and because what I am doing is not helping him in the long run.  Getting his way will not happen in the real world.  He said I also need to let him live with the consequences of his behaviors or he will continue to do them if I try to fix everything and intervene all of the time. (Sound familiar)

I don't know if my husband will ever get help or will end up dead.  i can stash away a few dollars each week into my savings account for rough times or in the event he kills himself.  I can continue to try to be his wife and be supportive in a detached way.  I can set my boundaries and stick to them.  I can continue to love him, without letting us manipulate each other.

I plan on finishing school (Thanks Cyn for that one)  I have been thinking about it for years, but it's time to stop making excuses.  I am also going to start the training next month for the Guardian Ad Litem program.  I have been accepted.  I even shared my history with them (the abuse I suffered and the abuse the children suffered because of me).  They think it's a great idea.  I think it's away for me to give back and make sure other chidlren are protected.  I wish someone had protected mine. I am going to continue working on me because that benefits the rest of my family.  It's not going to be easy and there will be times that I want to give up and give in, but that's what I have friends for...encouragement and support.

Thanks to everyone here who has been so nonjudgemental and supportive.  I pray for each and everyone of you to have strength, comfort and happiness for the holidays.  Lets all stop waiting to see what happens next and start living each day to the fullest starting today.  We can do it!!!

(((powerless))) It looks like you are really coming to terms with yourself, your program and your HP :) It's so wonderful for me to see others struggle and come out the other side. Without knowing, I'm sure you have given hope and encouragement to so many. But, this is what the program is about. Not just working our own program, but being encouraged by others through their ESH and even their struggles. We can learn something from everyone if we choose to. Even if it is merely a trial of patience..lol Thanks for sharing w/us Christy

Powerless, Thank you so much for sharing. I said the Serenity Prayer so many times today. But your post has inspired me to at least try to put what it means to me down in words so that I can have a clearer picture for myself. Many prayers for your continued recovery. Lynn

powerless,

You are indeed not powerless because you keep trying. What an inspiration.

In support,

Nancy

I love your strength powerless.....your ability to keep looking forward and for better. Thank you.

Powerless I am really proud of you and the ideas about putting savings away and letters for your daughter are terrific. Now how about changing your name to Powerful you have proved your inner strength give yourself a positive name.  Merry Xmas and luv leo xx

Powerless,

You might hust have to change your name.  Wow, your really working those things you can control in ways that allow you to Let Go of those you can't. 

The Guardian program sounds like a wonderful way to give back and make ammends in a creative way.  This was such an inspirational post. 

tfs {{{Powerless}}}

Bob