My A came home last night from bowling and they had a gift exchange, guess what he got?  Yep alcohol.  5 little airplane bottles, of course he and two team mates drank them at the bowling alley.  He said "I didn't drink enough to even feel guilty.'  Am I wrong to think that this is just the gateway to going back to controlled drinking?  I am trying to let it go, to let my HP be in charge and work in my A's life. 

We also talked a little yesterday (before bowling) about him being clean and sober but he is still living the life he was before he quit.  His life revolves around his friend and what he is doing with his friend.  I get whatever is left over.  I want him to have friends but when do I get anytime? I even told him a walk around the neighborhood or a movie, I am a pretty simple person.  He sits in his recliner in the evenings and I on the couch.  He gets into bed and rolls away from me. When we talk about it he says things like, "it's not just me"  He reserves Sundays for football at home, his laundry, and resting from Saturday snowmobiling.  I guess I had expectations ( I know I shouldn't)

I know what I need to be doing, and it is finally sinking in about being sober and a life of sobriety.  There is a difference.  I will continue to pray and ask my HP to heal him and to help me.  Please say a prayer for my family.

Hugs Mary

Oh Marmare... I so relate.

My expectations get in the way all the time.  Why can't we just accept the fact that they will be jumping from sobriety to active drinking, and that they are just totally different from us?  Why can't we accept the fact that they will walk all over us if we let them?  Why do we constantly want them to do things the way we want them done?  How come it seems so simple to us, but not to them?

Sorry I don't have words of wisdom on this for you, but know that you aren't alone in thinking all those things.  I do to.  Right now especially.  I am in the space where I can't stand the alcoholic who also sits on the recliner, and rolls away at night.  It makes me mad that I will take pills for my mood swings, but he won't even acknowledge that he has his.  He is happy as long as I am in the same room, and if I offer suggestions to fill the lonely void, I am nuts!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Aron

I think we often times feel that if they would just quit drinking or drugging, things would be great.  Many normal relationships don't often work, just because they recover doesn't magically mean they were meant to be out soul mates.  I often thought that if my husband wuit using I could deal with everything else.  He quit for a year and a half but wasn't working a program so nothing changed.  His thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and actions did not change.  He refused to change his friends.  I realized that using or not, this was not the man I wanted as a life partner.  When I realized that, I was truly able to detach and magically, things got better between us.  It took some stress out of our marriage and some of my resentment and anger and some of his resentment and anger.  My husband is active in his addiction.  He tries controlled using with crack...now how crazy is that?  I got tired of his drugs being a priority and then his friends came in a close second.  Of course, it was important to him to keep his friends close because they supplied his drugs, money to get drugs or were the buddies he uses with so he feels accepted around them.  They are validating his feelings and sitting around telling each other that they don't have a problem, why don't we just lay off?  They justify the using to each other. 

Does your husband think he is sober because he drank only a little alcohol?  Sadly, if they try controlled drinking and it works the first day or so, they are back at it again.  Afterall, it is a progressive disease.

What are you doing for yourself?  That is as important, maybe more important than spending time with him right now.  Go out with friends, get your hair or nails done.  Do something fun.  Sign up for a class at the local college.  Put yourself first.  Don't sit on the couch and wait for him to validate your feelings or self-worth.  You are a wonderful person and deserve to be fully living each day instead of waiting on him.  What are you waiting for?  Grab your purse and go have some fun...right now!!

>>>>>>>>>>>I get whatever is left over.  I want him to have friends but when do I get anytime? I even told him a walk around the neighborhood or a movie, I am a pretty simple person.  He sits in his recliner in the evenings and I on the couch.  He gets into bed and rolls away from me. When we talk about it he says things like, "it's not just me"  He reserves Sundays for football at home, his laundry, and resting from Saturday snowmobiling.  I guess I had expectations ( I know I shouldn't)

 

remember the 3 c's.....i didn't CAUSE his problems.............i cannot CONTROL this............i am not going to CURE it..............

UNrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments......the ONLY thing i can depend on is ME/ my HP/ my program....TODAY i can depend on my sponser,  but what if she left me?? or something happened??? so i don't even have  total expectations of her.....ONLY me/ my hp/ my program............what i am saying is  i take care of me, and what is OUTside the circle i drew around my OWN feet,  is NOT in my realm of control..................rosie

Oh--my alanon buddies- did I write that post Mary? or did you? I just had this same conversation with my husband. He is not currently using--but I am just figuring it will happen one of these days. Using or sober--he is incredibly self-serving. No regard for anything but his own needs. Gets time off and naps the day away--4 days before Christmas!! You would think he could help me with the multitude of holiday preparations?--no thats "my job". He said I am only happy when he goes to work or is doing something that "I say he can do". I don't think I ask for much. Some people are addicts and are jerks---take away the addiction and he still might be a jerk. The description of your husband sitting on the recliner and the turning away in bed--that is soooo my life. (but make sure the kids say" good night daddy" grrrrrr!) What did I do for me today? I went ice skating for 1 1/2 hours! I have rediscovered the pleasure @ 46 and bought myself some brand new skates. Merry Christmas to me. sorry I'm not much help either--but a lot of empathy!!!!!!! Jeanne

No Jeanne, I could have written that post. I told my husband that he was arrogant, self-centered, and selfish. He is sober and doesn't live here because it is all about him. This is the disease running the show. I hear you Mary. How about time with me? This was a bone of contention for the majority of our marriage. Everything and everybody is more important then me and my family.  For me I am learning to fill my days with meaningful activities and finding other people to fill that void. I feel sad  but I try not to dwell on it. And I say to my HP that I know you have a plan for me.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hi Mary,

You know it is okay to feel this way isn't that the reason you got married to your partner in the first place for the love and companionship?  I can't offer any advice because I am fiercely independent and love my time for me.  My husband is married to his business and always has been.  He chooses to go there seven days a week but if he whinges about it I remind him that no one is making him do it.  What am I doing whilst he is at work?. Loving the time alone reading books, going to the beach with a friend or having a granny nap.  The A's are selfish and I learnt a long time ago that on the list of things important I will never be first.  But if I am honest with myself my A is not first on mine either.  There is my job, kids etc before he becomes my priority.  Love yourself first and you make your own happiness that is the only way you will get the serenity you are craving for.  Hope this helps a little. Luv Leo xx 

 

(((((((((Mary))))))))),

I guess from all the responses we can see that this is something that we all go through, but it doesn't make it any easier. I told you in PM what is going on with me, and right now when I could really use some love and compassion my "A" is out looking for some "stuff". It hurts, so I come here. I come to my alanon friends who can give me what I need. I know it isn't the same as the support I was wanting from my husband, but I can count on you all.

I will say a pray for you and your family.

Much Love,

 

Yep - I can totally relate.  Last night my A had an appt to get an oil change on the truck.  Well - he was looking at other trucks while waiting and test drive one.  So about 2 hours after his appt he calls me (from the bar of course) and is all excited about this truck he drove, and although he's at the bar I can tell that he isn't drunk.  So he tells me that he'll be home in 20 minutes to tell me all about it cos he's all excited.  So and hour and a half later he comes home, drunk, of course.  Of course, now he doesn't tell me anything, probably couldn't if he wanted to.  Here I felt really good that he was excited to tell me something and disappointed again because his bar "friends" and alcohol were once again more important than me.