It was so good to see my parents. I have really missed them.
My husband never showed up, so there was no altercations with him. His parents showed up, but with my parents here, they are troo concerned with appearances to cause much trouble. The sweetness was just dripping from his mother, with my dad standing there. I felt so safe, like for just a while everything would be ok.
I did a lot of talking with my parents. They gave me some financial advice and helped me break things down, to not always look at the big picture.
On Saturday, a letter came from unemployment, they have denied my husbands unemployment. One of his excuses for not looking for work is that he can't make as much as unemployment will pay him. Well now they are not paying him anything and want him to pay back the money he received in September. My Dad sat with me as he was high level management before he retired. He said an appeal can be filed and told me how. He then said my husband would not do it himslef, and if I want to get that back money for the kids, I would have to put it together and write it. I agreed. It is for the kids not him.
Last night we ended up in a huge fight. Him and his parents are pushing Christmas. They want to pretend everything is okay for a few days. They say do it for the kids. Well everything is not ok, and the kids know it. I will not lie or cover up anymore for him. I will not pretend that Mommy and Daddy are getting along, that it is ok for daddy to not support his family and that it is ok for him to drink. That would not be fair to the kids.
He is attending his IOP, and has been for over a month. He is still drinking and calls me on the nights he is drunk, insisting he is sober and has been for 30 days. His parents keep saying that he is not drinking as much and realy wants to graduate from this program. They do not understand why I am not happier about it. I have told them and him, if he was really doing what he was supposed to I would be happy for him. But the not working, the drinking and lying to the rehab is not working a program, but hey it is his program, not mine. I will not feed into the farce. The part that bothers me most is that things have gotten so much worse for the kids and I since he started it. When he does drink, he lies more and is even nastier. He has justified that all blame is on me. But what else is new. Now he just insists his counselor agrees with him. He has justification for not working and for being so nasty. He keeps throing my anger and the kids anger at me and if I do talk to him it is always a fight. I did tell him that I do not care what his counselor says. I remind him that his counselor should be worrying about him and not encouraging him to take my inventory, and his counselor should definately not be doing it. He gets nasty and says thats what the counselor went to school for to make decisions about people. I told him that if his counselor would like to form an opinion of me, I am free to meet with her, and she may do so. Until then, I do not care about her opinions.
My Dad suggested I call the rehab. He says I should ask to speak with her and tell her that the things she is supposedly saying are being used as a club against me.He said I should not tell her he is still drinking, that would be invasive. But I should ask her to please refrain from making general comments or judgements about me as the are extremely harmful. He said I should remind her that the responsible thing for her to be telling him, is that your wifes issues are hers and you should be worrying about your own issues. He told me to remind her that my husband should be taking his invetory and not mine and they should not be encouraging him to blame me or take my inventor. He said I should nicely tell her that I am willing to come in and speak with her and him any time, but unless that happens that she has no right to judge me or tell him that I should pick up the slack. He said I should also ask her how my family should pay their bills as they have advised my husband not to go to work, and he will not be getting unemployment.
I believe that this rehab is being irresponsible and the kids and I are paying the price. I am slowly getting to the point where I don't care what he does. I just want him to leave me alone and help support these children. I hate feeling this way, but I really don't care if he succeeds or fails. I've had it.
I did the car insurance renawal for January, and I did it without him. He can pay for his own car. He is off the health insurance as of January 1st. If he is still going to this place, his father can pay, they can also pay for his dentist and Dr and everything else. I am tired of being a fool.
My feelings for him are changing, from love or compassion to complete indifference. Maybe he is right, he says all I want is money. At this point, I want the burden lifted off of me. I don't care about anything else.
Love Jeannie
browneyes said
Dec 20, 2005
Jeannie,
I can soooo relate to what you said about not caring about him anymore and just caring about how things are going to get paid. I am so tired of always picking up the slack when he messes up. And mine won't even consider going to get help-he still thinks it's his right to do what he needs to do, meaning drugs. and he doesn't get why I am not being nice to him. Right now I could care less b/c I see the selfishness and the choices he is making as direct assaults on my kids' happiness.
Good luck to you. Keep praying.
Love Julie D.
Powerless said
Dec 20, 2005
Jeannie,
I get where you are coming from. It is not your responsibility to raise him or support him. As you stick to your boundaries he will become angrier (out of fear) and behave even more poorly. Just like when an inconsistent parents sets boundaries and begins to stick to them. A child will get worse, trying to test the parent before they realize it is futile. In my experience, the month I left my husband he tried the same thing. He promised he wasn't using and had people that were living right here in town that he saw everyday that he wasn't using and that I was overreacting and that the problem was me. While I was away, he kep telling me that his mother was against me, his mother and others were telling him how great he was doing...I spoke to his mother everyday and she really did think he was doing well. But she did not say a word about me. My husband telling me that was his way to push my buttons, make me feel hurt and angry. He wanted to make me feel like I was the one with the problem so that he could continue to live the way he wanted and feel justified. I imagine that if you spoke to his counselor, you would find out that what he is telling you is all lies. I bet she isn't any more fooled by him than you are.
Stay strong and do what you feel is right for you and your children. Pray for strength and courage. Merry Christmas
nmike said
Dec 20, 2005
Jeannie,
Thanks for your post. It helps me appreciate what others are going through. Sounds like you are just plain worn out. Do you have time for some "me" time? They say that we do the emotional work for ourselves and for the alcoholic. We become wrecks and the A's are just as happy as they can be. Time out. Enjoy Christmas with your kids.
In support,
Nancy
leo said
Dec 20, 2005
Jeannie you are doing great you have decided to stop enabling him 100 percent. Take care of the bills that affect you and the kids, you know you can do it besides haven't you already been the responsible one since you were 16 years old? You set the terms for Xmas in your house you are the one who is maintaining it. The re-hab counsellor I would be more inclined to speak to someone who is above her with your concerns. As for the kids spending time with the in laws etc and playing happy families why don't you ask the kids what they would like to do? Have a great day and here for you anytime. Luv Leo xx
Hi,
It was so good to see my parents. I have really missed them.
My husband never showed up, so there was no altercations with him. His parents showed up, but with my parents here, they are troo concerned with appearances to cause much trouble. The sweetness was just dripping from his mother, with my dad standing there. I felt so safe, like for just a while everything would be ok.
I did a lot of talking with my parents. They gave me some financial advice and helped me break things down, to not always look at the big picture.
On Saturday, a letter came from unemployment, they have denied my husbands unemployment. One of his excuses for not looking for work is that he can't make as much as unemployment will pay him. Well now they are not paying him anything and want him to pay back the money he received in September. My Dad sat with me as he was high level management before he retired. He said an appeal can be filed and told me how. He then said my husband would not do it himslef, and if I want to get that back money for the kids, I would have to put it together and write it. I agreed. It is for the kids not him.
Last night we ended up in a huge fight. Him and his parents are pushing Christmas. They want to pretend everything is okay for a few days. They say do it for the kids. Well everything is not ok, and the kids know it. I will not lie or cover up anymore for him. I will not pretend that Mommy and Daddy are getting along, that it is ok for daddy to not support his family and that it is ok for him to drink. That would not be fair to the kids.
He is attending his IOP, and has been for over a month. He is still drinking and calls me on the nights he is drunk, insisting he is sober and has been for 30 days. His parents keep saying that he is not drinking as much and realy wants to graduate from this program. They do not understand why I am not happier about it. I have told them and him, if he was really doing what he was supposed to I would be happy for him. But the not working, the drinking and lying to the rehab is not working a program, but hey it is his program, not mine. I will not feed into the farce. The part that bothers me most is that things have gotten so much worse for the kids and I since he started it. When he does drink, he lies more and is even nastier. He has justified that all blame is on me. But what else is new. Now he just insists his counselor agrees with him. He has justification for not working and for being so nasty. He keeps throing my anger and the kids anger at me and if I do talk to him it is always a fight. I did tell him that I do not care what his counselor says. I remind him that his counselor should be worrying about him and not encouraging him to take my inventory, and his counselor should definately not be doing it. He gets nasty and says thats what the counselor went to school for to make decisions about people. I told him that if his counselor would like to form an opinion of me, I am free to meet with her, and she may do so. Until then, I do not care about her opinions.
My Dad suggested I call the rehab. He says I should ask to speak with her and tell her that the things she is supposedly saying are being used as a club against me.He said I should not tell her he is still drinking, that would be invasive. But I should ask her to please refrain from making general comments or judgements about me as the are extremely harmful. He said I should remind her that the responsible thing for her to be telling him, is that your wifes issues are hers and you should be worrying about your own issues. He told me to remind her that my husband should be taking his invetory and not mine and they should not be encouraging him to blame me or take my inventor. He said I should nicely tell her that I am willing to come in and speak with her and him any time, but unless that happens that she has no right to judge me or tell him that I should pick up the slack. He said I should also ask her how my family should pay their bills as they have advised my husband not to go to work, and he will not be getting unemployment.
I believe that this rehab is being irresponsible and the kids and I are paying the price. I am slowly getting to the point where I don't care what he does. I just want him to leave me alone and help support these children. I hate feeling this way, but I really don't care if he succeeds or fails. I've had it.
I did the car insurance renawal for January, and I did it without him. He can pay for his own car. He is off the health insurance as of January 1st. If he is still going to this place, his father can pay, they can also pay for his dentist and Dr and everything else. I am tired of being a fool.
My feelings for him are changing, from love or compassion to complete indifference. Maybe he is right, he says all I want is money. At this point, I want the burden lifted off of me. I don't care about anything else.
Love Jeannie
Jeannie,
I can soooo relate to what you said about not caring about him anymore and just caring about how things are going to get paid. I am so tired of always picking up the slack when he messes up. And mine won't even consider going to get help-he still thinks it's his right to do what he needs to do, meaning drugs. and he doesn't get why I am not being nice to him. Right now I could care less b/c I see the selfishness and the choices he is making as direct assaults on my kids' happiness.
Good luck to you. Keep praying.
Love Julie D.
Jeannie,
I get where you are coming from. It is not your responsibility to raise him or support him. As you stick to your boundaries he will become angrier (out of fear) and behave even more poorly. Just like when an inconsistent parents sets boundaries and begins to stick to them. A child will get worse, trying to test the parent before they realize it is futile. In my experience, the month I left my husband he tried the same thing. He promised he wasn't using and had people that were living right here in town that he saw everyday that he wasn't using and that I was overreacting and that the problem was me. While I was away, he kep telling me that his mother was against me, his mother and others were telling him how great he was doing...I spoke to his mother everyday and she really did think he was doing well. But she did not say a word about me. My husband telling me that was his way to push my buttons, make me feel hurt and angry. He wanted to make me feel like I was the one with the problem so that he could continue to live the way he wanted and feel justified. I imagine that if you spoke to his counselor, you would find out that what he is telling you is all lies. I bet she isn't any more fooled by him than you are.
Stay strong and do what you feel is right for you and your children. Pray for strength and courage. Merry Christmas
Jeannie,
Thanks for your post. It helps me appreciate what others are going through. Sounds like you are just plain worn out. Do you have time for some "me" time? They say that we do the emotional work for ourselves and for the alcoholic. We become wrecks and the A's are just as happy as they can be. Time out. Enjoy Christmas with your kids.
In support,
Nancy