Hello All,

I am brand new to the forum but not brand new to the disease of Alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic and was very abusive. I left home at 14 and never went back. I have been in many relationships through the years, some with Alcoholics and some with non-addicts. They always end the same way...with me not being able to trust my partner. I start out trusting and something always seems to happen to break that trust. That something is always in the form of a lie. I think anyone that has loved an A knows that they cannot tell the truth and that makes me ultra sensitive to anyone lying to me.

Rather than tell my life story, I will just tell of my current situation. I desperatley need some feedback on what to do. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week and I honestly can't wait. I know it is what I need.

What I would like some feedback on is trust. How does a person gain back the trust they lost from a person's lies? I caught him lying a couple of weeks back and immediately went into 'self-protect' mode and asked him to leave. He knew in no uncertain terms when we got back together that I would not tolerate a single lie from him. He had no reason to lie about what he did. It was something that would have made me angry, granted, but not something I would leave him over. But I cannot and will not be with anyone ever again that lies. I can't do it.

So for the past 2 weeks he has been making every effort to apologize and explain and all of it but I just can't trust him at all. I know this hurts him and I know he really truly loves me but I just don't know what to do. If I let him come back again and he lies again, it will devestate me and I can't take anymore emotional pain. I am so afraid that if I let him back in he will take that as an invitation to lie again when the need arises.

Is there really such a thing as change with an A? And even if he is making every effort to do so (going to AA meetings etc.), how can I get back that trust? I feel like all I will do is be waiting for the next lie to come up rather than enjoying anything else we could share. I am hoping that going to Al-Anon will help me with this because it started way back with my father of course.

I love this man so much but I can't allow him to use that love against me whenever he gets weak. The pain is too much. Can anyone else relate to this and possibly give some advice?

Thank you for reading and thank you all for being here and any advice would be so appreciated.

Earthgirl

Earthgirl,

Welcome to the forum. We learn alot from each in Alanon. We also gain tools to use for every situation including yours. A's lie to protect themselves, they believe themselves, don't know when they are lying, and lie to hide who they really are. For me and my A, it is not to set him up so he is almost sure to fail but to find acceptance of the disease of alcoholism. No one is perfect. And we insist on certain behaviors it is sometimes to keep us out of  our pain. This is my experience. Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hello Earthgirl,

Welcome :) It will be a big help to go to your face to face meetings. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is a good start to the program even if someone has already done them before. I use the Paths to Recovery alanon book to help me with that. A close friend here taught me that " Talk is Cheap, Watch the Behavior " for the alcoholic/drug addicts or anyone actually. If we learn to not expect anything (have expectations) then we won't set ourselves up to resent the person or situation. When my recoverying alcoholic/drug addict daughter started to get better, she started to learn how NOT to lie. Lying for her had become so common and easy it came naturally to her. I know this because she would share this with me. She changed because she worked her program and made a conscience effort to stop the lying that goes along with the disease. WE learn to love the person but hate the disease. Maybe accept that part of him/the disease part is a lyer and just know that you have no control over it. We cannot change them. They can only change themselves. It hurts big time to be lied too, but only we can take care of us and do what we need to in our program to not let that stuff get to us. I am just sharing my experience now. I wish you all the best and know that this program does help for us. When we change, things around us change :) your friend in recovery, cdb

Welcome to Alanon and Recovery !

I can tell you about my situation.  My A has major trust issues.  Probably comes with being bounced around from home to home and then once adopted being sexually abused.  Such a terrible childhood to have to endure.   Also, I'm a terrible conflict avoider and people pleaser.  This is obviously not a good mix.  I can't tell you which came first it's kind of chicken or egg but I get accused of stuff all the time, if you listened to my A, I've had sex with her sister, every female coworker, my cousin and every mom in my youth organizations.  By the same token, because I don't want to deal w/ what I perceive as the BS, I've lied.  Heck, I sometimes lie about going to Alanon meeting.   

Either way, it's a vicious cycle in which we both play our parts.

As for gaining trust back.  That depends on the individual your gaining it from.  In your case it may take a very long time because you have your issue with trust.  I'm probably over trusting so for me it takes a long time to gain back trust because keep getting burned over a long period and then I no longer trust.  When you begin to trust someone again is up to you.  Maybe working through the lie instead of kicking him out next time will allow both of you to get past it quicker, just a thought and I'm thinking out loud.   As a conflict avoider and people pleaser that would just push me further away. :(

The great thing about Alanon is that we can gain such self awareness.  I'm becoming more aware of my traits such and how to deal w/ them or asking my Highter Power for help with them.  That is my part in trying to break the cycle.  The gospel tune says may the circle be unbroken, but I don't think they meant circles of unhealth patters.  ;)

Bob

I, too, got tired of all of the lies with my husband.  I sat down with him and calmly told him that it is one thing I can't tolerate.  He explained to me that when he lies he is either trying to protect me or lie so that he doesn't let me down or disappoint me.  He is also afraid of my reaction when I learn of some things. I explained that I find out the truth eventually and it makes things that much worse because the initial thing angered me and then I am hurt by the lies.  What I have tried to do it be completely nonjusgemental when he tells me something. I just respond with "Thanks for being honest" We may try to talk about the issue and I stay calm so he will feel he has nothing to lose by being honest with me.

Hi Earthgirl,

Welcome to Alanon - I'm glad to hear you are going to your first meeting this week. I am also the daughter of an alcoholic, and I also have had trust issues. The good news is that you can work on that and it does get better. It has for me.

One of the things that complicated the trust issue for me is black and white thinking.  I have tended to think something is good or bad, right or wrong, perfect or worthless. No gray area.  This has affected me in relationships because I tend to think someone is perfect, until they mess up with one thing, and it could be ANYTHING, and then I feel like they aren't trustworthy at all. What I've had to learn is that we are all human beings, and we make mistakes. My mistake is to trust unconditionally until something slight happens, in which case I don't trust at all. Or, don't trust at all, and there's not a thing in the world that could change my mind.

Regaining trust has been a process for me. I've learned trust is give and take.  I give a little and wait and see what happens. If that goes ok, I can give a little more. If I can't judge the situation I can wait. If it turns out not to be a good idea, I can pull back. I'm learning how to drop the all-or-nothing approach I've had for a long time.

I don't know specifically what it is your A lied to you about. There certainly are some deal breakers. Alanon will help you sort out where you want your boundaries to be. I know I learned some of what I was holding people to was close to impossible.  But it has taken me a while to see that and even longer to start to see how I could choose to handle it differently. Be patient with yourself and the situation.  You'll see your way through it.  Good luck with your alanon meeting!

Kristen

Hi and welcome!

Trust takes time to rebuild once lost. I have always believed that trust needs to be earned. We cannot trust an A, just becasue they want us to, or even becasue we want to, when and if the time is right it will come.

If you choose to stay in Alanon you will learnt he tools you need to be happy, and you can start learning to trust yourself. Once you do that, the rest will follow.

                              Love jeannie

>>>>>>>>>>What I would like some feedback on is trust. How does a person gain back the trust they lost from a person's lies?

 

i am an incest survivor who had   alkie parent,  alkie  X husband,   and so my distrust for ANYthing   ANYone grew....

what i did??? was drag myself into recovery....LEARN to love/ trust me FIRST....than a higher power kinda grew on me AS i worked the program......the trust thing  had to begin with me/ trusting me...working the program and learning that there IS a god,  there IS a higher power (that part of god that resides within us)   within me....and so i had to start with the VERY basics.......love/trust me......be OPEN for a HP whom i can trust.....be OPEN to the program and trusting SAFE others...like getting a good sponser showed me that i CAN trust.....WHEN it is safe to......how do i know it is safe to trust someone?????

i use my "ladder" philosophy......start on the first rung....talk about  news/ sports/ weather , etc......if they feel safe??? go to rung #2,  with the understanding with yourself and your inner child that  as SOON as they prove UNsafe???  you can slide back down the ladder and  move on........it STARTED with me......it grew out from there with my sponser/  HP/   safe others in recovery.....

 

i still have trust issues, but they are NOT as bad......for the rest of my life  (with incest background...my own natural father did this to me)   i will perhaps always have trust issues....i will for SURE be slow to trust, but it IS possible with me....with  TIME and PATIENCE and PROVING themselves to me,  i CAN trust......

i was betrayed the worst way a kid could.....i trusted NOONE.....not even god, in fact i hated and distrusted and feared god......now??? that has changed......i still have dificulties in trusting, and like i said,  MOST likely for the rest of my life i will be  "slow" in this area, VERY slow,  but i can do it.....AND be safe...cuz i am learning to trust me.....

didn't mean to write so long,   but your post touched me and i can SOOO relate to  it........peace/ rosie

Thank you ALL so much for taking the time to read my post, offer your kind and wise words and to welcome me. I know there are no easy answers and I realize that you all do totally understand what I am feeling. Reading your posts has given me a sense of peace, it is nice just to know I am not ALONE. I know Al-Anon is what I need to help heal. Bless you all for being here to share!

Earthgirl

Trust is a very hard thing. I have a problem witht that. I been hurt so much that it is hard to trust. Sometimes though it also goes the other way I become too trusting and then I get hurt. I have both problems.