I've been doing a lot of soul searching since my breakup to determine why it is that I end up in serious relationships with either addicts or children of addicts.  My first serious boyfriend, who was one of the most amazing human beings I ever met was a child of an alcoholic.  He was so unbelievably good to me and I took advantage of him for 5 years; my second boyfriend who I left the first one for was his ex-college roommate who actually reminded me of the love of my life (my most current ex-boyfriend). This guy was a sex addict - and verbally abused the hell out of me for 2 1/2 years.  The first 3 months of the relationship were rocky and then it got worse - I tried to break up with him for the remainder of the 2+ years we were together and always got sucked back in.  He was also a child who grew up in a dysfunctional broken home where at least one of his parents was an addict who neglected him.  The last guy (the love of my life) was a full blown addict who depended on pot everyday (at least 10x a day) and then went to painkillers.

Now I am not a child of an alcoholic or addict.  I asked my mother recently if any of my grandparents were addicts and she said no -but in her own skewed world then stated my father is an addict - which he is not. But my mother has accused my father of being everything under the sun - including being an addict.  He doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, is afraid to even take a tylenol half the time!!  But recently my siblings and I went to my mother's therapist because she (when I had broken up with my ex the day before) decided to tell me that my father had been strangling her.  She took a situation that I was going through and turned the attention on her - bringing me into a situation I should never have been brought into.  So we tried to believe her "crying wolf" and send her away to my sister if my father was really beating her...she refused to go...we then went to see her therapist.  Her therapist informed us that our mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Now I am learning both addicts and BPD have the same traits.  And in some ways I guess I exhibit those ACOA traits.  I then started thinking about the roles I have played in my family.  The holidays have always been stressful since childhood for me.  My parents fought nonstop every holiday - about innane stuff: how my father was dusting, or laying out the food, or vacuuming, or how we werent cleaning fast enough, yada yada yada.  I HATED getting ready for the holidays - it was miserable.  Well I must have been 16 when I came up with this brilliant idea for my cousins and my siblings to make christmas eve dinner for our parents because on Christmas day both my aunt and my mother had to make dinner for their other sides of the family and we could lighten the load (and I guess in my own head - the MOOD of the holidays).  It became a tradition and every year for about 10 years we made dinner that way - each year with a different theme (breakfast, country, japanese, mexican, etc) and it was FUN instead of stressful.  I never realized till now how much of a people pleaser I was about that - about EVERYTHING.  I couldnt stand the anger and misery anymore that I wanted to enjoy the holidays - because wasnt that what it was for??  Even in my own life - I plan parties for everyone to come over and go overboard in some ways - and get a little concerned if people dont appear to have a good time and feel like it is my responsibility if they arent.

I think if I really start to dig - I will see alot more of the person I really am and how I have been my entire life.  I give so much to EVERYONE - and I am not sure why?  Sometimes I dont even feel that great afterwards - just feel obligated. 

Wow, Cyn:

I have to say that your post really struck a chord in me. Although you have an answer to your mothers problem I have suspected for many years that my mother had BPD.  I'm not entirely sure and never will be as she passed 7 yrs ago, however, I was her only child. I understand the not cleaning right, the holidays always being a disaster and some sort of fight ensuing....my mother has a twin who was a full blown alcoholic and addict.  I have never had much of a relationship with him as he was always drunk and volatile from when I was young. I hated him, my grandfather too was alos an acitve alcoholic until the day he died.....I too married an addict. Re-creating the relationship with my mother a relationship that was very co-dependent. I have always been a caretaker, a pleaser...on and off for four ywars I took care of my mother when she was sick...it was nice to see that you found a way to make things nicer.  I was never able to find that with my mom while she was healthy. When she was sick she was no picnic at times, and I took a lot of abuse, however, in the end I am glad she found peace. It is me now that is on the road to finding serenity as well.  Thanks for your post.  It really spoke to me.

Cyn is it possible your Dad won't take a tylenol because he has battled addition?  I was taking tylenol and vicodin for migraines and I was rebounding ( body caused pain to get more).  So pain clinic will not let me take tylenol under any circumstance and that has been  7months, I will likely not be able to takethe rest of my life.  I go to NA meetings in my town in additon to alanon and AA, and many are not allowed to take tylenol either.

josey

Josey,

No - what I was basically saying is that my dad is not the type to take anything unless the doctor tells him to.  He is alot like me in that regard.  He recently had cancer - prostate cancer - and had never been sick before in his life.  He followed the doctors guidelines to the T.  My mother is convinced he is a sex addict (thats her crazy thinking) - which his therapist and her therapist do not agree with.  Its my mother's warped thinking - she has major issues she refuses to acknowledge and places the blame on everyone else.  My father is a verbally abused man by my mother - always has been - not an addict.

Cyn

Hello Cyn,

Thanks for being so honest and open here. I do that too, not only to help me but in case it helps anyone else. ((((((cyn)))) I too have been diagnosed with BPD and have been through years of therapy for it. There are different kinds of BPD and I have not heard it compared to alcoholism traits which interested me. There is a book that my psychiatrist recommended called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, that describes how a person gets BPD and what it is about. There is a newer book now called, Stop Walking On Eggshells for the family to learn to live with a BPD person. Most people that have been violated/molested as children develop BPD. It changes who we are at a very young age. I finally shared with my kids 2 years ago about my childhood molestation. I once asked my psychologist if my daughter could develop BPD, the one with alcoholism because I see some of the same traits in her that I have had when she grew up. She explained that the symptoms can be learned too from the parent. I use to always want to find blame or a reason why my daughter is a recoverying alcoholic/drug addict and put the blame on me. It all comes back to us working on ourselves and focusing on us. When we try to figure out everyone else, it takes our energy and our view off of our own program. Thank you for this post. IT has been very thought provoking for me and it helped me to get to know you better too :) your friend in recovery, cdb

Hey Cyn,

I understand this.  My Mom had mental issues as well but would never go see anyone.  She knew that if she did she'd have to deal with her sexual abuse and her overall abusive childhood.  My childhood was one of dysfunction too.  My mom would not sleep for days at a time because she was afraid of her nightmares.  Much responsibility got thrust on me because of it and being an only child I learned to take care of myself. 

My Dad was an overboard diciplinarian and we didn't have a close relationship.  It was what it was and I know he loves me in his own way too.   I used to always hear from my Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt, we don't know why he is like that with you, he was never treated like that.  I have found out recently that my Grandpa lost both is Mom and Dad to sickness.  He was sent to live w/ one of his Aunt and Uncles and they would only allow him to live in the barn.  So, I'm sure there are some issues there. 

I used to joke that my A was my mom only w/ a spalsh of alcohol.  I'm learning that basically I grew up in a house with at least one heavily codependent person (mom) and I learned and used a ton of codpendent stuff myself as survival.  Everyone of my relationships has crashed and burned too.  So would this one had I not had kids, honestly.  So this one just flames on until there is nothing left to burn it appears.

Please take these gifts of program and of self awareness that you are receiving as blessings.  To get before you are in a more permanent relationship is a blessing I think.  Then again, had I not had this relationship, I may have never come to any of my realizations.  Your taking control of your own life Cyn, in the areas that you can control.  It's a privilege to witness. 

Bob

What a thought-provoking post!  I've spent a lot of my 57 years trying to figure out my mom.  (Ya think I'd be done with that issue by now, wouldn't you?) Before Al-Anon, I finally decided she had some kind of personality disorder.  When I joined Al-Anon I decided she had classic A symptoms, but without the drinking.  Her mother and her step-father were alcoholics, and I only met them once.  We were driving right by their house and my father insisted that we stop.  My mother was so angry with him.  I remember my mom mentioning something once about her step-father being out of line with her.  That was the only time she ever talked about it and she never wanted to discuss her mom & step-dad either, except for saying that she cleaned up their vomit.  She was a June Cleaver kind of mom until I was 10, when she and my father divorced.  She re-married at 13 and my life became hell.  My stepfather wasn't a bad guy, but she was trying so hard to please him that we were all miserable.  The 6 of us (his 2 boys and my brother and I) moved to a farmhouse in the country.  Lots of discipline and greasy food.  She finally left him and got a little apt for the 3 of us.  After a couple of months, my dad was late with his support payment.  She picked up the phone one night and told him to come and get us.  And that was it.  I never lived with her again.  My brother returned briefly a couple of years later.  She quickly became displeased with him and threw him out again.  One of his friends' single mothers took him in.  He worked in a gas station throughout high school and graduated with good grades, in spite of my mother's dire predictions.  Throughout her life she was always angry with one or the other of us and spent years at a time not speaking to various members of the family.  She had another baby a couple of years after she sent us to live with our father, and gave him up for adoption.  She refused to meet her great-grandchildren.  My brother and I both grew up to be super-responsible, tried hard to be great parents, and I in particular have taken that too far -- all in reaction to my mother's behavior. As I move along through life, I can pinpoint exactly what I do that is all about not being like mom.  Some of that behavior is healthy; some not.  Until Al-Anon, though, I had trouble identifying which was which.  I'm starting to learn the tools for detangling this whole web.  Thanks again for a very thought-provoking post, Cyn. Blessings to all of us on our journeys of uncovering our own inner truths.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I will see alot more of the person I really am and how I have been my entire life.  I give so much to EVERYONE - and I am not sure why?  Sometimes I dont even feel that great afterwards - just feel obligated. 

 

boy that was ME,  till i got into my recovery for a while......i bought  melodie beatties books on "12Steps for codas"  and all her other books......i am codependent....i am managing it now....i give ONLY when i want to, and with NO expectations about it......i am no longer being used and abused by anyone.....AND i do NOT feel attracted to  UNhealthy/ UNavailable people..........i had to  accept that i was coda --  identifying my enemy was my first big step in overcomming it.......peace / rosie

Rosie,

I just bought the first book as an early Christmas present.  After all it was required reading by my therapist.  LOL  I couldn't get though the intro w/o laughing already.  I can tell I'm going to like this book.

Bob