Hi Everyone, I've been making alot of f to f meetings and getting to know some strong women. I am looking forward to my day off today just to be alone and peaceful. My a was really mean last night. I bought tickets to a Broadway show for his birthday a few weeks ago. So we went to the show yesterday and he ridiculed me for getting afternoon tickets, he said matinaes are for old people, then he made several comments on how boring the show was and then to top it off on the way home he really let loose and told me to never do that again without letting him know. He said I spent way to much money and it was not worth it at all. We stopped in 4 bars after the show because I wanted to walk around and look at Macy's lights etc. So he was really nasty on the train home because it was after nine and he was not home yet resting because he needed to get up at 6 am today. He is always resting with his stupid beer what was one night out going to kill him? I feel numb. Today is my time away from him, to finish shopping and go to the gym. He is not well. Our landlady was really angry over the weekend because we get to use the yard, and he never put the summer stuff in the garage, and he just refuses to cooperate with her rules. He speaks really rude to her all the time. She's not the sweetest person in the world but it is not fair to her. Yesterday before we left she told me all sorts of crap about how she is sick of him. I felt really cornered because she told me she doesn't know how I stay with him and deal with his drinking. She's sick of the recycle can being full of beer bottles. He drinks about 4 cases a week and she said that she was going to tell him to cut down or something to that effect. I asked her politely to stay out of it. She also said that the other neighbors in the house feel so bad for me because they know he screams and curses me almost every day. I felt really embarassed I don't want pity from any one. She also said that her husband used to drink heavily years ago but "she put him in his place" I realize that she just doesn't know what alcoholism is about. I took it personally for a few minutes and then I was able to shake it off. Yesterday was just not a good day, today is a new day thank God! Lily
leo said
Dec 19, 2005
Hi Lil,
Sounds like this woman is more than just the landlady but the local gossip as well. Next time she tries to engage you in conversations regarding your husband simply state that it is none of her business. People tend to catch us off guard when we are most vulnerable. You pay your rent and have a professional relationship with her you don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. If she starts bagging your husband about his habits then ask her to discuss her concerns with him. Your heart was in the right place regarding your husband's birthday if he chose not to enjoy it well don't put yourself out again next time. Keep your chin up people can be really cruel without realising it when they judge other peoples lives. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
lin0606 said
Dec 19, 2005
Sounds like a bad day yesterday, all right. So, how was the show? Did YOU enjoy it? To me, living out here in the far far boonies, that sounds like such a great evening. I hope you had as good a time as you could.
As for the landlady - this is really not yours, it's his. Best would be if you could just say to her "you'll have to take that up with him". It is really not your job to be a buffer between him and the rest of the world. I realize that this may not be the best option for you, as he may just take out his anger with her on you, but it might be worth a try.
I used to run around like a chicken with its head off, trying to shield him from unpleasant experiences. Not to spare him, but to spare myself his bad moods when things went wrong. Looking back at it now, it wasn't such a good trade. It gave me a lot of stress, and usually, if he wanted to be an a bad mood, he would just find something else to be unhappy about - usually ME. The few times when I just didn't bother, it didn't really turn out any worse than when I stressed myself out trying to make everything come right. I wish now I had chosen that path more often.
twinmom2 said
Dec 19, 2005
Hi Liliana,
Good for you for letting the landlady's comments roll off your back. I agree that people can be insensitive and nosy when it comes to other's lives. What worked for her, may not work for you. It's crappy that your husband could not allow himself to appreciate your day out yesterday. I get that alot with my "a" too. Unless it's something he wants to do and has it his way, he never smiles and I can't figure out why he won't allow himself to enjoy the day with his family doing other things. I give you credit for bouncing back today and giving time to yourself. It is so healing to be able to concentrate on the things that make us happy. I feel at peace when I am able to do this. Enjoy your day and keep up the good progress.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
nycbt said
Dec 19, 2005
It was a nice idea buying your husband broadway play tickets. To bad he didn't like them. When I use to leave in my other apt my husband was supposed to be doing things around the house and then she would pay him on time and then there would be lots of attention. It is good you are taking care of yourself.
Dolphin123 said
Dec 19, 2005
Lily,
It sounds like you handled yourself well, and good for you on that one.
Sometimes we just can't please our "A" no matter what we do.
You did a good job of asking your landlady to not say anything to your "A". It really has nothing to do with her.
You're right, today is a new day.
Much Love,
Vermont635 said
Dec 20, 2005
I can identify with much of your experience. Trying to please someone who can't be pleased whether it is a holiday, birthday, vacation, no matter, has been very bitter for me. I had to be burned many times before I heard alanon suggestions about keeping the focus on myself. I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for MY happiness. My spouse and I have done the theater routine enough times miserably. I wanted it to be wonderful. It is insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. Each time was more miserable than the time before. I finally promised my spouse and myself that I would not do that activity with him and I meant it. I've enjoyed many shows since. Going with girlfriends is always a positive experience no matter whether the show is good or bad, the seats are good or bad, the parking is good or bad, etc. etc. I am deeply grateful for the alanon program.
Hi Lil,
Sounds like this woman is more than just the landlady but the local gossip as well. Next time she tries to engage you in conversations regarding your husband simply state that it is none of her business. People tend to catch us off guard when we are most vulnerable. You pay your rent and have a professional relationship with her you don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. If she starts bagging your husband about his habits then ask her to discuss her concerns with him. Your heart was in the right place regarding your husband's birthday if he chose not to enjoy it well don't put yourself out again next time. Keep your chin up people can be really cruel without realising it when they judge other peoples lives. Thinking of you. Luv Leo x
Hi Liliana,
Good for you for letting the landlady's comments roll off your back. I agree that people can be insensitive and nosy when it comes to other's lives. What worked for her, may not work for you. It's crappy that your husband could not allow himself to appreciate your day out yesterday. I get that alot with my "a" too. Unless it's something he wants to do and has it his way, he never smiles and I can't figure out why he won't allow himself to enjoy the day with his family doing other things. I give you credit for bouncing back today and giving time to yourself. It is so healing to be able to concentrate on the things that make us happy. I feel at peace when I am able to do this. Enjoy your day and keep up the good progress.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
It was a nice idea buying your husband broadway play tickets. To bad he didn't like them. When I use to leave in my other apt my husband was supposed to be doing things around the house and then she would pay him on time and then there would be lots of attention. It is good you are taking care of yourself.
Lily,
It sounds like you handled yourself well, and good for you on that one.
Sometimes we just can't please our "A" no matter what we do.
You did a good job of asking your landlady to not say anything to your "A". It really has nothing to do with her.
You're right, today is a new day.
Much Love,