So the last 26 years was a lie. I was lying in bed thinking about the facade of the Holidays.
Every year, I say I "don't want anything" but that never works. I thought about writing my parents some poetry. Not sure if I will but it seems neither one of them has noticed me much. I was a "risky teen" & procoscious but I never got arrested!
I grew up in a lot of emotional pain that I constantly reached out to them with but it all fell on deaf ears.
I don't blame them but when I try to talk about it, everyone goes on the "offensive" when all I'm trying to do is share. i guess I can't share it with them. It is my pain & obviously precious to me. Anyone trying to say or take responsibility for it just makes me even more insane!
It is just all new territory & difficult ~ no doubt someone will be "let down" or whatever. Guess I will be doing a lot of praying this week... looking for words, thoughts, simple deeds.
Our family always goes over-board for the Holidays, I am just plain tired. Time for new Traditions, dunno how it will play out, not going to project either.
I'll think about tomorrow when I wake up, one day at a time, truly IS all I can handle. I don't seem to be able to handle much either... I wish I could take time out of society but I guess that would only make it harder when I "came back". Bad enough I have piles of mail everywhere!
It's dichotomous, I know, I do need a lot of help but I want it a certain way, I guess I feel like I ought to be able to do these things for myself ~ I have to organize my own life. Everyone has their own "gardens to tend to."
I'm starting to gravitate to the NY flag thingy - don't tread on me. I've been trod upon enough, tyVm!
-KLF
-- Edited by kitty at 05:26, 2005-12-19
bobump said
Dec 19, 2005
I'm about to run out the door. Maybe writing something to or for them will work. I recently read something that my daughter wrote, and not even to me, on a website. She had previously given me the link and it was in my puter, it came up w/ autofill by accident.
I was able to process what she said and not into 'defensive' or 'offensive' mode. I even found a way last night to make a small amend for it and may have gotten through. This may not work though because I do at least have some recovery and realize where I need to make amends.
More later maybe.
Bob
captcodee said
Dec 19, 2005
I realized long ago that my family just doesn't have the ability to understand where I am coming from since I hit the program. They live in such a world of denial, and self will. They just can't grasp where I am coming from, nor understand where I am going.
Sometimes I feel sad that I can't share the parts of me that have been created in the program, but other times, I can just be excited that maybe one day they will see where I am coming from, and be able to sit in wonder one day that I found it so long before them, but then again, that may never happen.
I have also found that when I do things for Christmas, I need to remember that it is for me that I am doing it, and others might not understand. I agree that it can be difficult to "match" big givers on the holidays, but I can only do what I can. Sometimes it has to start somewhere, might as well be me.
Hold your chin up. People outside of the program just don't understand. Thankfully People IN the program do!
Happy Holidays my friend. Do what YOU feel is right, and let the rest go. It helps me to write it down, and put it in my "God Jar". My sponsor told me that if I start to think about it again, I have to take it out, cause when I am obsessing over it, God has no room...the symbolism helps me train my head to do the same.
Luv Aron
Dolphin123 said
Dec 19, 2005
Kitty,
It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now. Thanks for sharing with us. I know for me just having a safe place to let stuff out is such a blessing.
You know we are all here for you.
Much Love,
rosie light shines said
Dec 19, 2005
one day at a time, truly IS all I can handle. I don't seem to be able to handle much either
hey kitty, me 2......1 day at a time, is ALL i can handle, and thats a CONSTANT........i think the holidays kinda exaggerate the "grey" periods if you are in one.....i am just nurturing me/ trying to be grateful for what i do have/ did do, etc....and ONE day at a time..........HUGS/R
cdb said
Dec 19, 2005
Thank you for your post kitty :)
I so relate to what you are talking about. I think I passed some of the same things you talk about with your family to my kids. I have been trying to change me and my dysfunctional ways for quite awhile now. Our recent holidays have been more relaxed and carefree since I changed. My daughter has drawn pictures for alot of us with just typing paper and a pencil and then framed them in a dollar frame. That is more precious too us than anything. One picuture is on my parent's living room wall! I think a poem put in a frame is a great idea! It is a gift from you and your heart :) Maybe the simpleness of it will pass on to those around you. The main thing is to take care of you and know that you are just right the way you are :) your friend in recovery, cdb :)
So the last 26 years was a lie. I was lying in bed thinking about the facade of the Holidays.
Every year, I say I "don't want anything" but that never works. I thought about writing my parents some poetry. Not sure if I will but it seems neither one of them has noticed me much. I was a "risky teen" & procoscious but I never got arrested!
I grew up in a lot of emotional pain that I constantly reached out to them with but it all fell on deaf ears.
I don't blame them but when I try to talk about it, everyone goes on the "offensive" when all I'm trying to do is share. i guess I can't share it with them. It is my pain & obviously precious to me. Anyone trying to say or take responsibility for it just makes me even more insane!
It is just all new territory & difficult ~ no doubt someone will be "let down" or whatever. Guess I will be doing a lot of praying this week... looking for words, thoughts, simple deeds.
Our family always goes over-board for the Holidays, I am just plain tired. Time for new Traditions, dunno how it will play out, not going to project either.
I'll think about tomorrow when I wake up, one day at a time, truly IS all I can handle. I don't seem to be able to handle much either... I wish I could take time out of society but I guess that would only make it harder when I "came back". Bad enough I have piles of mail everywhere!
It's dichotomous, I know, I do need a lot of help but I want it a certain way, I guess I feel like I ought to be able to do these things for myself ~ I have to organize my own life. Everyone has their own "gardens to tend to."
I'm starting to gravitate to the NY flag thingy - don't tread on me. I've been trod upon enough, tyVm!
-KLF
-- Edited by kitty at 05:26, 2005-12-19
I'm about to run out the door. Maybe writing something to or for them will work. I recently read something that my daughter wrote, and not even to me, on a website. She had previously given me the link and it was in my puter, it came up w/ autofill by accident.
I was able to process what she said and not into 'defensive' or 'offensive' mode. I even found a way last night to make a small amend for it and may have gotten through. This may not work though because I do at least have some recovery and realize where I need to make amends.
More later maybe.
Bob
I realized long ago that my family just doesn't have the ability to understand where I am coming from since I hit the program. They live in such a world of denial, and self will. They just can't grasp where I am coming from, nor understand where I am going.
Sometimes I feel sad that I can't share the parts of me that have been created in the program, but other times, I can just be excited that maybe one day they will see where I am coming from, and be able to sit in wonder one day that I found it so long before them, but then again, that may never happen.
I have also found that when I do things for Christmas, I need to remember that it is for me that I am doing it, and others might not understand. I agree that it can be difficult to "match" big givers on the holidays, but I can only do what I can. Sometimes it has to start somewhere, might as well be me.
Hold your chin up. People outside of the program just don't understand.
Thankfully People IN the program do! 
Happy Holidays my friend. Do what YOU feel is right, and let the rest go. It helps me to write it down, and put it in my "God Jar". My sponsor told me that if I start to think about it again, I have to take it out, cause when I am obsessing over it, God has no room...the symbolism helps me train my head to do the same.
Luv Aron
Kitty,
It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now. Thanks for sharing with us. I know for me just having a safe place to let stuff out is such a blessing.
You know we are all here for you.
Much Love,
one day at a time, truly IS all I can handle. I don't seem to be able to handle much either
hey kitty, me 2......1 day at a time, is ALL i can handle, and thats a CONSTANT........i think the holidays kinda exaggerate the "grey" periods if you are in one.....i am just nurturing me/ trying to be grateful for what i do have/ did do, etc....and ONE day at a time..........HUGS/R
Thank you for your post kitty :)
I so relate to what you are talking about. I think I passed some of the same things you talk about with your family to my kids. I have been trying to change me and my dysfunctional ways for quite awhile now. Our recent holidays have been more relaxed and carefree since I changed. My daughter has drawn pictures for alot of us with just typing paper and a pencil and then framed them in a dollar frame. That is more precious too us than anything. One picuture is on my parent's living room wall! I think a poem put in a frame is a great idea! It is a gift from you and your heart :) Maybe the simpleness of it will pass on to those around you. The main thing is to take care of you and know that you are just right the way you are :) your friend in recovery, cdb :)