well my a started working on his workbooks and readings he got from the counsellor. he wanted me to come and discuss it with him during the online meeting. i told him i will when my meeting is over. i want him to know his program wont interfere with mine.mine comes first for me and his for him. make sense? anyways is it ok to discuss his answers to the questions in the booklet if he is asking me? i feel we made progress instead of him just answering the questions i helped him to really think about his answers and to dig deeper into his mind of his feelings. i can already see he is very uncomfortable about talking about the emotions part and dealing with them. but we did discuss one of his triggers was when we fight. in my mind i see he was trying to blame me. we discussed the problem further and he came to the realization  that he would continue to fight and use our fights as a reason to drink. im happy he figured that out. so we said if we are arguing we will walk away for a moment take a breath and go for a drive into the country. we can yell all we want and theres no where to run. hopefully we can do this as he tends to just take off out the door. we really need to solve our problems instead of running away. say what is on our minds. i told him i dont mind the yelling because i know if i need to yell i yell and i feel great after i express this emotion. but as long as it just stays at yelling. no what i mean? another thing i printed out step one questions for him as well and he wants to do them. i told him i wont be involved unless he wants to share with me or if its something that effects us that we can work on together. like finding healthier ways to fight and face our problems. does any of this seem like its ok? just confused. he tells me i am his strongest support system and i see that too as he has no sober friends or family. im not trying to force him into anything but if he asks and i have the time i will assist in the ways i can from things i've read etc. i make it clear i cant relate though as i am not an addict. speaking to another addict would be more beneficial. well i guess when he's ready. he goes back to the addictions counsellor on tuesday. and me, ate a bit more today, the headache is still not gone. i think it's from the neck like i strained it or pulled something. so i will be getting rest, getting massage,heat, chiropractor. all that. i want to feel normal again. any input would be greatly appreciated.ty

Hello notsonew (((((Healing hugs for your headache and tummy)))))) I wonder what the therapist wants as far as you helping out. Are you able to talk to the therapist too? I thought our HP/higher powers were suppose to be our strongest support or our sponsors. Having you as it sounds like it could end up not being good for the relationship. I am sure you wll get other replies about this. Babysteps is what you seem to be doing and things sure look good for now :) Wow! It seems like only yesterday things were so bad and now look how far you both have come :) I sure hope this continues and he and you can have healthy recovery.What a great relationship that would make! your friend in recovery, cdb :)

I recently had this discussion here on the board.  My husband does not read and write very well so continues to ask me to assist him with his readings when he rarely does them.  A wise person here told me to look at his motivation, is he really wanting help or is he trying to make it evident that he's reading?  It's not healthy for them to use us to take the place of their HP or sponsors.  I think it's great to be supportive.  I told my husband I am glad to listen if he wants to share, but he needs to do the work himself or with a sponsor.  I continue to find myself trying to help though and remind him of something he missed.  To me, I was using his recovery as a way to control him, get him to see my point of view and control his addiction.  I couldn't help him and remain detatched.

It's wonderful that both of you are working so hard on your recovery.

Yes, it would be better if he could use his OWN program to do this stuff, except for the parts that affect the two of you. I find with my own husband, though, that 'program talk' is often very helpful to us, and moves us forward in recovery and intimacy. I guess it's a question of keeping a close eye on your own motivations, and on your boundaries. Not doing it unless you are ready to is a great idea. You don't want to make working it out with you so comfortable that he never bothers getting a good relationship with his sponsor, doesn't bother telling the truth to his therapist, etc. Keep checking how this makes YOU feel - Clean, relieved, grateful? Smug, self-satisfied? Frustrated? Angry, resentful, hurt?

 i want him to know his program wont interfere with mine.mine comes first for me and his for him. make sense?

 

yes, it does make sense.......i am glad u r at the point where you can see/ take action where your program is yours,   his is his.......remember,   "i didn't cause it.....i cannot control it....i cannot cure it"....all we can change is US/  OUR attitudes..........peace/ R

((((((((((NSN))))))))))))))),

Only you really know what's right for you hon.  This is just from what I have learned from going to open AA meetings, of late.  He needs a sponsor.  A's need a sponsor more so and more quickly than ever.  See only other A's can tell when someone is using HOW - Are they being Honest, Open and Willing?   A's can detect when someone else is BSing them.  They have been there.  I know I am sooooo not objective when it comes to my loved ones.   And my past experience has found that when I thought I was helping by suggesting things, they came back to haunt me as if I was not being supportive, compassionate enough, etc. etc. etc.

But please keep keeping the focus on you.  That's the best gift you will ever give yourself or anyone else who has a place in your life.

Keep posting,

love Maria