I don't know how to say what i want to say.  I know this is the most serious post I have ever posted and it may anger some people.  It is about my children.

My eight year old daughter does not want to return home.  She is with her father after he refused to return her to me when I returned to my husband.  My son did not want to return either because while they love my husband (he has raised them since they were babies) they cannot tolerate his addictions.  My son agreed to return home after I promised him my husband was not using any more.  He was and I lied to get him to return because I felt like my heart was breaking without them.  My son doesn't know that my A has used since he's been home. Things have been going well with us as a family. 

My son has severe mental illness.  He is diagnosed with Childhood Onset of bipolar Disorder, ADHD, ODD, CD and has attempted suicide several times.  He is only ten.  I think he has mental illnessed because of me.  I had a very unhealthy relationship with their father.  he sold crack, stole, drank and smoked weed.  We physically fought a lot while I was pregnant and after he was born.  I didn't want a baby at first and had him because my ex told me how badly he wanted a baby and promised marriage.  i thought i baby would help our situation.  It didn't.  I don't regret having my son.  Oh my goodness, this is so hard for me.  I was physically abusive to my son when he was small.  I hit him for any little thing he did.  My sick reasoning was that his father hurt me and I couldn't hurt him back so I would hurt him by hurting what I thought was most precious to him.  I got pregnant again, I told my ex that I was on birth control, but was not.  We weren't even together by this time and I got pregnant with my daughter.  I can't explain it, but when I had my son, my ex was good with him that he bathed him, fed him and took him everywhere he went for the first year.  Nothing I did was good enough for his son even though I am the only one who financially supported us.  He would take my newborn and spend the night with his girlfriends and not come home for days.  i resented my ex and my son.  I never had a chance to bond with him and wouldn't for years later.  My reasoning for getting pregnant again was to have a baby that was all mine.  I wouldn't have to share her with anyone.  And I didn't.  He wanted nothing to do with a little girl.  He even quit coming around my son.  I worked two full tme jobs and let my exes mother keep them all week.  My excuse was that I was working so hard so I coulod provide them with everything they wanted or needed.  My adoptive mother said i was working so hard because I was afraid of turning out like my birth mother and working so hard because I didn't want to deal with the children.  She was right on both counts and I vowed to change.  After a couple of years I found out that their grandmother was VERY physically abusive.  i didn't even know until she was charged.  I did not know what was going on in the lives of my children and did nothing to protect them.  By this time I had married my husband and was trying to become the mother I needed to be.  We moved away and they didn't have contact with that side of the family for almost four years.

My daughter is now up there.  She has three sisters up there and has no friends here.  She was so depressed all of the time here that she ended up onmedication.  I don't think she is really very happy up there, but does not want to return home because she feels as if she belongs.  My husband, two year old and I are white.  She and my son are black.  her dad and sisters up there are black and I think she thinks she fits in better up there.  His girlfriend left him this week and she chose to go with her sisters and their mother and not stay with her dad. I am trying to respect her decision, but think she belongs at home with me.  I haven't seen her in weeks or talked to her on the phone.  I plan on going to court when I get my tax refund and fighting for custody.

I made so many mistakes parenting.  I realize my mistakes and can't make up for them.  I can't change them, but see where I went wrong.  I spent the past four years trying to be the best mother possible.  I am still trying to improve.  i want her to come home so she can see that. I miss her, but don't know if I want her here if sh doesn't want to be here.  Do I force her to come home (through the courts) if it's not what she wants?  How do I let go of the guilt I feel for being abusive and for letting them be hurt by their grandmother?  Do I deserve to forgive myself?  Maybe this is my punishment from past behavior.

Powerless,

First I have to say I really respect your honesty with this post.  It must have been hard for you to share.

I think everyone that is a parent has some regrets as to things they've done in the past.  The fact is raising children is very hard and sometimes we learn by trial and error what works and what doesn't.  I myself have 5 children so I know first had how difficult it can be.

I think at this point considering all you've shared, you really need to put what's best for your children first.  That may not be an easy thing to do.  It will take brutal honestly from yourself, completely unselfishness, and a constant check of your motives.  If your husband is still active, is it really best for them to come and live with you?  The fact that you lied to your son regarding your husbands sobriety is something you have to consider as well I believe.  It's not fair to a child to put them in that situation.  Unfortunately they don't have that much of a say and therefore have to count on us to always do the best thing for them.  Are they in an abusive situation where they are at now?  Are they happy?  Well cared for? Are their needs met materially as well as emotionally?  These are all things you have to take into consideration before deciding what is really best for them.

As for you and what you can do to help forgive yourself, I honestly believe working the 12 steps with a sponsor will give you the freedom from your guilt that you seek.  I've fallen into the pity party of telling myself that I deserve all the heartaches I've had because of past actions also.  That I was being punished for something.  But I honestly don't believe that's true.  I don't believe God punishes us.  I believe He is a loving God.

Take one step at a time.  Easy does it.  During the holidays might not be the best time to make any major decisions.  It's usually a highly emotional time as it is.  Continue to share and I hope you receive much experience, strength and hope here.

Kathy,

My daughter is the only one up there now.  There is no heat.  Their dad does not work.  His girlfriend works, I don't think she back with him so they are living at a motel.  She works part time and tries to provide for all of them.  She is a wonderful person, but spiritually and emotionally sick as well.  There is no heat the the hosue they were in.  They have very few clothes and the clothes the girls have they all share.  They are well fed.  Their dad still sells crack and it is not a good environment.  I don't want to downplay the environment here, but it's healthier than where she is now.  Their oldest daughter (18) came to live with me last year because things were so bad there and social services kept stepping in.  There is domestic violence.  I respect that they should have a right to choose whether or not to be here, as I do, but where she is is not in a healthy situation.  There is more stability here.  Their dad won't take her to the doctor or let her take her medication for depression because he doesn't believe in her going to mental health.

Powerless

You ARE very brave to be so honest about this.  I dont have any children but I watched my ex with his son and how hard it was for him to take care of one child and have an addiction.  Child protective services stepped in about a month ago and I dont know where it stands since I dont talk to him.  It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing now and I admire that.  You are in my prayers - I hope things work out!!

Cyn

Powerless you have tremendous courage to share that post with us you did not have to it is your private business.  I am a mother and I will not judge you I also work with young children.  They are very influenced by environmental factors.  At the moment your main concern should be if they are safe, well cared for and fed. Your worry over them is natural but you could be putting extra pressure on yourself and the situation you are living in at the moment by adding extra children.  This in the long run will not be good for the kids.  Contact Social Services yourself if you feel they could be in danger. In the meantime it is okay to forgive yourself, surrender to HP everyone gets a second chance.  Luv Leo xx

((((((Powerless))))) What courage it must of taken to be so honest. Sometimes it can be cleansing to let it all out. Turn this over to your HP and ask for guidence. I do that daily and I truly get it. One Day at a Time Whitie

thanks for your honesty......ONLY total honesty can bring us to healing......the fact that you did a  step 4/5  on this,  you can now make proper amends....what is best for the kids???   they are dependent and need the best shot at life........

i can tell from this post that you really do want to do the right thing........hang in there,  we all do stuff we wish we didn't......that is what being human is......don't beat yourself up!!!  you did the hardest part and that was being aware/  accepting....now what action do you need to take???  what step work?? what amend???     that took a LOT of guts to open up like this,  i respect your honesty......R