Well since I tend to share so much during the meetings I've decided to try writing in here a little more and maybe get some more feedback from the rest of you.  I love the meetings and I love hearing from those of you who have been there for a wile and even those of you who are fairly new like me.  It gives me nsght and direction where before I started coming here I felt lost and directionless.  And it wasn't because of hurricane katrina.

First of let me tell you a litle more about me and my A.  My A is 45 yrs old and has always had someone take care of him, enable his drinking and excuse it. Five years ago his younger sister died of an alcohol and vicodin overdose and he was her enabler in that he supplied the booze and the alcohol so that his family wouldn't notice. Her drink of choice was vodka versus his of whiskey. But they both partied together and popped the pills together. He thinks that it was the closest relationship he had with any of his family.  He was living with her at the tme of her death.  He was on his way to work one nite and went to tell her goodnite and thought she was already asleep so he went to work not knowing she had been dead atleast 2 hours when he left. The next morning her son went in and couldn't wake her up so called my A who rushed home to find her dead.  The medical examiner said she had been dead atleast 13 hrs by the time she was found.  The autopsy revealed a combination of several different narcotics and an alcohol level that should of killed her instantly.  Instead her heart exploded.  I did not find any of this out until the week that we moved out of New Orleans and his mother confronted me and told me that his entire family hated me and vowed that they would kill me if something like that happened to him because I was supplying his drugs and alcohol.  Because I love and respect her feelings I chose to say nothing because I didm't want to leave things ugly.  But in my heart I know that I wasn't supplying him with anything, I just wasn't stopping him from doing it. He is a 45 year old man and I cannot stop him from doing what he is doing. All I can do is pray to my HP that someday soon he hits rock bottom and realises that blaming himself for his sisters death isn't going to take the pain away and drinking and popping pills is only going to end up with him dead just like her.  He went to her sons graduation from college this week and I seriously thought it was either going to kill him or make him see the light. As far as I know it's done neither. He's said that he won't be home for christmas and that he is spending it with his sister in Atlanta.  I don't know what to say about that one. 

Anyway, his family blames me for his drinking which he was doing before he met me or married me.  Thats fine if that is what gets them through the day, but the fact is that he is the one responsible for his actions and he alone has to take charge of his life. 

I want my husband back. Yes. he drank when we met. I knew that. What I didn't know was that he woke up drinking and he went to bed drinking.  If he consumes anything but alcohol I've never seen it. I know that his renal system is failing and that he has lots of other problems becuse of the drinking yet he won't go to a dr. When the opportunity for us to move to VA came up I told him that I would only move here if he agree to rehab, AA and counseling. At the time, he agreed, but now that we are here ofcourse he always has an excuse.

I've been the only one who has worked the entire 2 years of our marriage, yet he expects me to just hand over money left and right.  When I filed for FEMA assistance he demanded 1/2 of it saying that it was our house and he paid 1/2 the rent so he was entitled to his half. Well that was just crazy because that money was meant for us to live on not to buy drugs and alcohol and I wouldm't do it. I put it in a bank account in my name and he couldn't touch it. Boy did that make him mad. He started stealing and pawning things, including my wedding rings.

I love him and I know that deep down inside somewhere is a good hearted man,. but he doesnt' love himself so how can he love me:  he can't.

I know I should make him leave, but I can't. I am a hopeless romantic whio always thinks that good wi8ns  out in the end. I guess I must be as nuts as everyone says I am who knows. I just know that if I can beat all the health problems I have he can beat this, when he is ready. I just hope that I have the patience and love to stick around that long.

Sorry so long.

 

Hi MissyLost,

Ok, enough about him , now tell us about Missy. How are you taking care of your needs? What are you doing for yourself to focus on you and your feelings, journaling, hitting a pillow, yelling, kicking the cat? LOL ! Really, take some time to read an alanon book, like Courage to Change or How Alanon Works for the Families of Alcoholics, and take a long hot bath or a long walk or coffee with a friend or take up knitting whatever you find relaxes Missy. Only he can change himself and Missy in the mean time can work on finding whatever pleases Missy and helps Missy to unwind. It's very hard to do at first and hard NOT to wonder about him and what he's doing , but we have to for our own sanity. Keep coming and posting as it helps get the feelings out and the feedback is great!

Yours in recovery,

Jonibaloni21

I enjoy the meetings, but find that posting here helps because I don't have to worry about taking up too much time and I can get more feedback.  I like meeting when I know I need to shut up and listen.  It sounds as if you are setting boundaries and that is wonderful.  It's only the first step, the follow up to that is sticking to the boundaries you set.  Don't say it if you don't mean it or don't think you can follow through. 

My husband often tells me that he doesn't understand that I truly love him because he doesn't love himself.  He also told me that he lost a lot of respect for me for loving him, sticking by his side and fixing everything and coddling him.  He thought "What must be wrong with her to stay with me?"  He doesn't even want to be around himself.  He was angry with me but proud of me for telling him no and not enabling him.  he said that showed tough love and meant that I really cared.

As far as in-laws go...they can be tough.  always remember that they are as sick as we are.  It doesn't make it much easier to deal with them, but helps a little.  Could you maybe sit down with his mother or write her a letter and explain that you, too are worried about his drinking.  Explain that you are not enabling him and don't condone what he is doing, but he is pawning thing...to get money for what he wants.  When I was hiding things from his mother she thought I was crazy when I said I wanted to leave him.  When I quit keeping my mouth shut to spare her feelings or to stop an arguement from him, she began to see what I was going through.  Can you suggest alanon to her?  Maybe send her some literature or a book.  You can attatch a note that says "Just thought you might be interested"

Keep working on you and knowing you are doing what you need to get stronger and doing what you need to do for yourself.

Beth

Hello Missy , sorry but you are buying him drugs, your the only one working  so he gets his money from somewhere. And why wouldnt he expect you to hand over money , you always have before.     Until we stop doing  for them what they should be doing for themselves  nothing will ever change for the A.   They need enablers to continue in their life style.  Why isn't he working , dosent' want too- injured ?

Geographical  cures  just don't work , he will drink anywhere he can find it, period.

Please find some meetings for yourself and take care of you , yo are the only one you can change anyway.  good luck    Louise

 

I don't think that I am buying his drugs or his alcohol anymore as he takes things from the house and pawns them.  I am working on getting to alanon meetings and I am working on taking care iof me.

Hey Joni

Well taking care of me has never been a priority as I said in the meeting, but I do go to school, I'll be a lawyer eventually. Katrina kind of messed that up as I was starting at Tulane Law in January annd now I have to take some other courses and just get what they call a Bachelor of Interdisciplinary Sciences and then go on to my law classes and then law schiool. It sets me back about 2 years, but I can do it. I also write write write. I have more written and typed journals than you can imagine, and I write short stories and poetry. I've even had 2 childrens books published that I wrote for my granddaughters which I thought was kewl.  I also crochet, mostly baby things for preemies in the hospital. I have made a few personal things for friends and family, but not too much. I walk 6 miles a day. I have  stair stepper I use 1/2 an hour a day and now with the move I am in the process of finding dr;'s to take care iof all my illnesses that are getting a bit out of control. ODAT.

I know it will be ok I've found a great group of people to hang with in alanon on line and I will find a F2F meeting  I am confortable with soon.

Thanks for caring.

 

Dear Missy, Find that f2f soon - you are doing great, and you have insight it took me years to find - once you have the program - you will be unstoppable!!! His family behave as they do, because they are affected by the disease. You have chosen to find recovery, for yourself, and you can see that you can not do it for your A. Listen to Joni, take care of yourself, do something kind for you - you are worth it. Great to hear from you, Missy, post again soon, let us know how you are doing. Lots of love, flora xxxxx