Hi everyone,

I know this is a little unusual, but I have a friend that had something they were going to post on the board her, who has lost access to internet.  They wanted me to post it for them to get feedback from yall and I will print these out for her to read.  I would sure appreciate it if you guys would take a few minutes and share a little ES&H with her, she gets  a lot of stuff from me...  ... but think she could use some "outside" insight.

Yours in recovery,

David

Oh! if you would like to have a name to respond to, just use Unicorn, she'd like that one I think

It all started (in her opinion) about a year and a half ago. Her husband started acting differently. You see, he found a new friend to hang with, and the new friend shared his own views and opinions quite freely and effectively. This led the husband to think that life was just too short to not be doing what you want. The only problem is he forgot he had a family at home. At first, it was only a few beers and only a few late nights. But as time wore on, they both increased. This in turn, led to quarrels with the spouse, and more responsibility on her shoulders, too. You see, She works the full-time job, pays all the bills, cleans/cooks, and shuttles her girls around like a taxi to have social opportunities. She doesn't usually have a lot of time to herself, but she enjoys being with her family the most anyway. She has always wanted to take a trip or vacation but they have never been able to afford it on one income.

 

The house needs repairs (the carpet was torn out and the boards were never bought to replace the ugly linoleum-again, money being the issue. There is also a huge hole in the roof that was supposed to be repaired three years ago), the new car was repossessed because he said it was too much money (even though she was making the payments just fine), and the oldest child is almost grown. Her father promised a year ago to teach her how to drive, but his "schedule" just didn't allow it (heavy sarcasm).

 

All she wanted was a little help. Many times, it was financial because nowadays you just can't do much with one teacher salary and a family of four. Most times, it was just comfort/time shared with the spouse that was needed (as she left early for work, and he would frequently be gone when she returned).

She tried stating her needs in a positive manner because she knew that to do so otherwise, would be futile. However, she had a hard time controlling her emotions, and they would often reign in her outbursts of frustration and resentment. She tried blaming everyone and everything but the responsible parties involved-him and her.

 

He continued to do what he liked (hanging, playing music, drinking,..), but it was always with the same friends. She just wanted to feel included, as she was not invited or asked to these places very often. But the more she whined and complained, the more he stayed out of reach. Communication is still the key to the problem. They had no cell phone, but his friend did. The trouble with that was they were often in places the phone didn't work. So, she asked him to just leave her a note now and then, to call once in awhile...but mostly, to just try to come home at a decent hour a few days a week. He resented her trying to control him (his words), and refused to compromise with her. It became a vicious cycle. They would argue, he would leave/come home very late, then they would talk and start over. Admittedly, sometimes he was working with the friend; running errands, fixing things...but, lately there just hasn't been much money coming in from his side of the fence. He would just like to make a movie and play music for a living, but he hasn't figured out that most other people work jobs and do those things on the side until they get going good. She wants him to have all the nice things he is always talking about- a nice motorcycle, a truck, a guitar and amp...but, he just can't seem to understand that to get those things, he needs to set goals, and if that means working a regular job, then that's the price you pay. But,because he values the freedom he has had for so long, the "job" is out of the question.

 

Yes, they are both quite stubborn people. She however, is supportive and always available to him and the children. She even attempted to help the situation a few months back by putting the girls in public school. This way, they would get more social opportunities and help with their homework, and he would have the house all to himself for his "work." You see, he's an artist. So, he writes, paints, videos, plays music...and when he applies himself, he can do great things. The funny thing is...when the girls started school, he started being gone during the day too, not just at night. So, the theory that he could get more work accomplished with no interruptions, fell through. Lately he has become so obsessed with music and motorcycles and beer, he has pretty much forgotten everything else.

 

It's really a shame because he has sold every painting he ever did for at least $300 and his video work was steady for awhile, too. He just can't seem to focus on these things anymore. It's almost like he wants to become his friend (who does the music and beer scene), but the "major" difference is the other guy pays the bills, and takes his family on trips several times a year. Hmmm...? What's wrong with this picture? Why does he think his wife is the crazy one who is never happy? Could it be because she feels abandoned, hopeless, that things are never going to change because he doesn't want them to? Let me tell you...she has tried everything short of a divorce/separation to understand and communicate her feelings with him. He has "had enough," he says. No one is going to gripe at him. She is (his words) "stupid," "dumb," "crazy," "needs to grow up," and, "if she doesn't like me/what I do, then she can go to hell." Oh yeah. I forgot the one about her making his whole life miserable, and the one about her being the "destroyer of all things."

 

He says she doesn't trust him and asks too many questions. She just wants to know what's going on and be included once in awhile in the fun. The trust issue is really funny because every time she has trusted him to do something he said, it has come back to haunt her. Like, "let the car go. I'll get you a nicer one," and, "I'll call you," and "I'll be home early," and "I'll get the money," and "I'll fix it,"...shall I go on? She walked to work one day because the car was gone and not replaced yet. She couldn't sleep for worrying about him drinking and driving late at night. She cried herself to sleep so many times, it's amazing she can function at work at all. She has paid late fees and reconnect fees for small bills she asked him to take care of. She "trusted him" to pay bills or buy certain things needed, and he spent the money on beer, cigars, and gas in someone else's vehicle. She still loves him more than life, and she doesn't really know what to do anymore. She doesn't want to be alone or divorced, but things have gotten so bad, they no longer talk until they come to an agreement and make up. He doesn't want to hear it anymore; he won't feel bad when she cries... What is the answer to a problem like this?

 

He hasn't been home, called, or talked to the girls even, in two days.

She feels abandoned, and she just wants to know what the hell went wrong.

Why can't she make him happy?

 

She has tried talking to people just to get different views of the situation, but this hasn't helped either. She has prayed about it, and this does seem to

help. I just can't see things ever returning to the way they were. Everyone

tells her to, "Let go...," but she is so afraid of losing him forever. I think she already has.

 

He thinks she only cares about money, but this is not true. How can he not see the pain, the love...?

 

She has been so patient. Waiting for him to think/do whatever he needs to

be able to return to her. How long will that be?

 

WOW, lots of stuff going on there David ~

To Unicorn:  Even just one of the things that is going wrong in your life is enough to make someone run for cover but you have so many things going on at once.  It seems as though they have had a snowball effect.  First of all, I hope you will get yourself to a meeting, a face to face meeting.  When I first started spiralling downhill, I went to four meetings a week.  After I got over the fear of going to the first meeting and thinking they will find out about me and about the A's in my life (who I wanted to protect); the relief I received from the understanding of everything I had gone through and the unconditional love and no judging of me or my family or my situation left me crying for days.  See they loved me when I could not love myself.  I thought everything I did was wrong and yet I was sooooooooooooooooo tired from working to death and trying to keep things "normal" so people wouldn't know.  I kept going to meetings and they saved my life, truly.  This is the one place I can go and be very honest without anyone "trying to fix me."  They just hug me when I cry or pass me a tissue, etc. etc.

Life has a way of moving on, with or without us.  I decided I was tired of waiting for the next "big thing" -- the next paycheck, the next promise (which was always broken), the next _____________ (fill in the blank).  As I continued meetings and got a sponsor and started working the steps, I grew in confidence.  I realized the wonderful me that I knew existed did exist.  There's a story in Paths to Recovery (which I highly recommend) that talks about a church ceiling which had been covered in soot and left in disrepair.  The people did not know what to do with the ceiling, should they restore it or should they get rid of it.  Well the consensus was to restore it and as they began to wash away the dirt, lo and behold they discovered the most beautiful, ornate, ceiling you could ever believe that had been lost to disrepair and no caring.  I give that analogy Unicorn so that you will not let that happen to you.  I grew up believing that others (men) would take care of me -- emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. and of course I was always let down.  With this program I have truly become a woman in my own right.  I currently live alone (although my latest is my husband, who I never divorced from, wants another chance).  That is my latest decision.  But because of this program, I know what I need in my partner.  I know I can take care of myself, with or without another man.  I have alanon that I can attend when I am feeling sad, lonely, frustrated.  I have my sponsor that I can reach out to when faced with difficult decisions.  Wow, I am writing a novel here.

Anyway, I hope if you ever get the chance to get on a computer (try out the library) that you will come here and post for yourself.  We also have online meetings which are a lifesaver in between face to face meetings.  You will find that "we understand as perhaps few others can" that "we too were lonely and frustrated" but found help here.  So I hope this is the beginning of your welcome to MIP (Miracles in Progress) and that you will slowly but surely continue to move on whether your A stops drinking or not.  This program is about you.

yours in recovery,

Maria123

Hi Unicorn,

Your situation could be stop I want to get off the bus. You are shouldering all the burden here and as long you accept what your husband is offering which at the moment is nothing that is what you will be given.  You are right your husband needs to make some choices about what he really wants in his life because  sometimes you just have to have the s...t with the sugar.  You are getting the s..t and he is having the sugar regularly.  He does need to grow up and take some responsibility for the family that he too created. You need to give yourself a break and take time out for you.  Come to this board and post to us on how you are feeling.  We will not judge your decisions whatever they are.  You cannot continue with this load you will end up getting sick eventually.  Try to focus now on what your needs are.  We have all been guilty here of providing too much for others around us and through al-anon each of us is learning that we too have a right to be happy.  Hope this helps in some way.  Here for you if you need someone to listen.  Luv Leo xx

(((Unicorn)))

Wow, it sounds as if you have a lot going on.  Have you asked your husband if he wants to continue the marriage or does he think he would be happier single, with no responsibilities?  If I were in your shoes, I would set some boundaries of unacceptable behaviors and what the consequences would be.  Don't set boundaries that you can't stick to. The main thing is to not go back on your word about your boundaries because he will continue to walk all over you.  I refused to keep buying things for my husband or supporting him in any way when he wasn't working because I felt like I was being taken advantage of.

Worrying about the alcoholic/addict in our lives is what got us here.  At some point we have to put our foots down and focus on ourselves and our children.  Have you tried to go out with your own friends and have fun to get a break once in a while.  Can you find a sitter so you can do that?

Another thing I realized is that although I love my husband, most days, I can not depend on him for anything.  If I don't have expectations of him, I can't be let down.  Someone here pointed out to me last week that trying to depend on an alcoholic/addict is like going to the lumber yard to get milk; it's never going to happen.

Learn as much as you can about addiction/alcoholism/recovery.  Don't try to change him.  Change yourself.  Keep coming back here (everyone is telling me you can get online at the library) and find some support and don't be afraid to use it.  I have learned this week that it's okay to ask for help.

Welcome and please come back through David or the library!

Dear David, Years ago, my daughter went to weight watchers - well, that would save me the costs, somehow, I thought, if she went, I could get it all second hand, without having to actually work the program! Guess what - I did not lose an ounce! I am not being mean, I want to share the recovery I have found in Alanon, but... I have had to work at it, before I could find recovery, I had to go to meetings, read the literature, talk to trusted alanon friends, and, I am still working at it. Please encourage your friend to go to face to face meetings, and come here, in person, online, in the chat room, and on the message boards. We dont bite, and, she can keep her anonymity, so, why does she want second hand advice? Lots of love, Flora xxxx PS Actually, we do not advise! Maybe, if she came to a meeting, she could share some ES and H - in the end, it is her choice, dont get bogged down in her problems.

i agree as well with starting the alanon program as well as reading codependent no more. i find the book very helpful

((((((((((UNICORN)))))))) WOW I agree with others who have already replyed you do have a lot going on!!! I am very blessed to not be married to an Alcoholic but I grew up with 2 alcoholics parents, sibling and Aunts uncles and brother in law brother so I completly understand living with alcoholic! There secrets,there lies, there promies, and the pure chaoes that they can leave you in!! I have been in the program for 1 year and 7months and I have to tell you that the road to recovery is not easy but i have lots more serenty now then I did when I was living with my alcoholic family... One thing that has really helped me is to "Keep the focus on me" and to take "One day at a time".. My A father and A sister told me a few months ago they had stoped drinking well that was all a lie they havent stoped drinking and that is there CHOICE.. I am powerless over them and what they do with there lives.... If they want to continue to drink then so be it but I don't have to be apart of it and I can as my sponser as told me to just put a bandage on there forhead and and know in my heart there sick and I can't change them only HP can!!! I had to hit bottom all by myself and it was dark and scary place. I felt alone and abandon and had know idea how I would ever make through it but HP saw me through it all and here I am to day doing better then I thought I would be I am at peace and truely taking one day at a time and not looking to the furture but injoying what I have today!!! I am a homeschooling mom of 2 wonderful children and I have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years and I want my children to have a better life then what I grew up in!!! I want to be around when my children have there children Because my Mother decied to take the easy way out and killed herself with alcohol(4 years ago) and is not here to enjoy her own grandchildren!!!! IF I can inspire you to hang in there and keep the focus on you and to love your girls and maybe try and do something special for you!!! When I was a kid I would go for walks or I would swing on the swing set for hours and it was peaceful!!! Your Girls deserve a MOM and You are a Special Person and just in the way you wrote your post YOU ARE A LOVING PERSON WITH A GREAT HEART!!!!! I know things seem hard scary confusing and alonely but it will get it better ask your HP to help you to find the PEACE you need at this time and I know HP will help you!!!! Even though I don't know you pleases know that you are NOT ALONE and that we have all been where you are and where here for you if you need us!!!!! I hope this helped.... Pleases keep us posted on how you are doing!!!! ((((((((((unicorn)))))))))))-------------------HUGS Bubbles123

-- Edited by bubbles1990 at 20:59, 2005-12-18

Thanks to those who have replied.  I will pass your words along.

Flora, perhaps I should have mentioned, since this was written this person has started attending meetings here locally, but our groups are very small, (sometimes there are only 3-4 of us there) she had wanted to post this in order to gain more points of view but has lost her access to a computer, temporarily.   My passing on your responses is no more 2nd hand sharing of ES&H than if she were reading it on this board. 

You are right of course however, that everyone has to come to the program for themselves in their time, we can not do it for them. 

Thanks for your concern for me as well, as we all know it is very difficult sometimes to detach ourselves from the problems of those we love.  I appreciate the reminder, and am continuing to try to take care of myself in all of the areas of my life physically and mentally.

Thanks again, everyone. 

David

Dear Unicorn,

Welcome to Al-Anon first of all. This is a wonderful place full of hope. You will find many people here that are in the same situation and you will discover that you are not alone. That in itself took a great deal of weight off my shoulders to know that I wasn't alone.

I also wanted to comment that you husband suffers from the disease of alcoholism.  While this may sound silly because it's apparent he is an alcoholic, my point is that he has a disease. Reasoning with someone with a disease like this and expecting them to behavior normally is futile. They will do what they want to do because they have a disease that keeps them addicted to alcohol and all the "fun" they think they are having.  Also understand that your husband is in as much pain as  you are.  It may seem like he's partying and having fun, but inside he's hurting. The alcohol buries all the hurt and pain.

I offer this to you as a way to understand your husband and what he is going through.  To me it brought some comfort to know that they had a disease that they can't control and that it wasn't a disease that could be controlled by willpower.

The next part is understanding that you are also affected by the disease. We suffer from the "insanity" part of the disease. As the alcoholic has his Jekyll/Hyde part of his disease, so do we. I can't tell you how many times I have succumbed to the insanity with my behavior towards the alcoholics in my life.  I love them and I felt "if only" I could reason away their disease. It didn't work, it only exhausted me and created tension between us.

I can't offer you solutions Unicorn, only you know what they are. I can offer you a place to come to talk and be with other people that have been where  you are. There are some wonderful people in this program that are living with active alcoholics, and they have found answers to those tough questions.

Hang in there Unicorn, and keep coming back. Love in Recovery, SenoraBob

Dear David, Thank you for posting back. I live in London, and could, if I wished, go to a meeting everyday (what a thought!). However, I also go to conventions in Inverness (I am Scottish) - there, I meet people who live in remote islands, also, little villages where it is certain that you will meet a neighbour, someone who has known you all of your life. Your post reminded me of how lucky I am - I have been to meetings where I vowed never to return, so much untreated sickness - I have that luxury, can always find another meeting. Your friend is lucky to have you, so are we, Lots of love, Flora xxxx

(((((((((David))))))))))),

What a kind and loving person you are to help your friend who is in need. Thank you for helping her.

((((((((((((((Unicorn)))))))))),

I can hear my story in yours. The loneliness and frustration the being pushed away. I know how that all feels. I have been there to. I just ache for the pain you are going through. You are a strong woman and you have been through so much up till now, your HP has been with you, he/she is still there.

Have you ever seen Bruce Almighty? There is a scene in the movie when Grace is praying to stop loving Bruce because it hurts so much and she is tired of that pain. When I watched that movie and I saw that, I saw myself (except I only wish I look like Jennifer Aniston ). I have prayed that prayer many times. Wanting life to get easier, less painful.

David said that you attend meetings. That is so so great. Alanon has helped me so much. I come here to post that has been one of the best things for me. I can come here and vent/ bitch, get all the feelings out. What I get back from that is the ESH from everyone here. It has helped in ways that I can not describe. I have at times lost my internet access, and then lost my connection here. The neat thing is through that time, I felt the prayers I know my friends here were praying for me. Is there anyway that you can log in at work? During our downtime (break time) we are able to access the internet. Even if it is once a day that might help.

As for what to do. I think now is a great time to focus on you. He is going to do what he is doing with or without you. My "A" left me a few years ago for about 3-4 months and then he came back. That was a difficult time for me. I was in so much pain, but i grew so much during that time. Pray, pray alot lean on your HP, he/she is there for you.

We are here for you as well.

Much Love,