Well, as I mentioned in chat.  Had a visit w/ my therapist Friday.  He specializes in addictions and I picked him to help me cope with the A and all that goes with her.

Things of interest.  He said many times when he has patients that are showing codependent behaviors, he hands them a copy of Codependent No More and has they glance over the traits and watch them do a bobble head routine "yup, that's me".  He said that would be no fun with me cause I was already coming to that realization on my own through what little work I've done in Alanon.

Another thing that I thought was interesting is that he said I'm in a very small subset.  He said that statistically most men who have A spouses, girl friend, etc. just leave.   The ones that stay are in the minority.  Then of those that stay, most don't get into program.   He said that guys who are in Alanon because of their spouses are a very small group and they do have some unique dynamics.  We didn't get into them.  He urged me to make a some all male meetings to try to get some additional perspective for my situation.

My daughter's therapist wanted to make sure I was doing therapy.  I asked him if I should be coming more often.  He said that I'm already getting alot out of Alanon, and that I'm coming to alot of realizations and changes via program.   He said to keep make sure I get a sponser as I told him how that was going and to dive into the step work.   I told him that I'm doing some step work online but would revisit it those steps with the sponser.  His answer was that I didn't need additional visits, keep working the program.  He was merely window dressing and minor course corrections, this program was working great for me.

So besides get my sponser, my additional homework is the rent "When a Man Loves a Women" and read "Codependent No More".  He said the movie is the only one he knows of that shows a man in a situation w/ an A spouse. 

I walked out of there feeling really well.   It felt great to know that working the program seems to be paying off, even from an objective observer.  What I was really happy and grateful about was that I have found the meetings here, and also two great f2f meetings.   I still have days where I'm in the dumps, but they are fewer and the time in the dumps are shorter.  I'm able to cope w/ some of the crap much better now and I'm able to find some serenity.  I have a relationship w/ my HP now, something I never had.  I could go on, but the bottom line is that all of you who post and all of you who share, all of you that make me laugh....Thank you soo much for being here.

Bob

Bobump,

I've been following your posts and have sooo appreciated your insights, your humor, and your perspective. This post gave me a "lift"; it encapsulated for me the hope and growth possible through the Alanon program, and gave me hope for my own situation. Thanks! I really needed this message of hope today

BlueCloud

so glad to hear u are progressing so well bobump.  When a man loves a woman is a good movie, I have it  - funnily enough it was my A who bought it the last time he was pretending to work on recovery.

I have had a lot of people recommend co dependent no more but have yet to buy it, but will get aroundto it one day, you can let me know what you think of it some time.

Isnt it amazing the progress we can make from having the support of others in similar circumstances even just thru chat??

Love n Light

it's good to hear you working your program...it's truly inspiring :)

Keep up the good work!

Christine

Hello bobump,

Thank you for this nice post. It is great to hear what people go through and learn. That is what this is all about is sharing our experiences. I have opened up my heart and soul to reveal things here I would not otherwise and sometimes I wonder if it has left me too vulnerable. But, it someone can learn from of or if it can help anyone else with their struggle with alcoholism then it was well worth it for me. My psychiatrist recently told me to keep coming here because he saw so much of an improvement in me. When a Man Loves a Woman is one of my favorite movies for different reasons. I am not sure if it would be wise to watch it with your wife at first. Just my opinion. Keep up the good work. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

((((Bobump))))

 

I am so glad you are here.  I always learn from your posts and sharing.  That movie is awesome by the way.  It is hard to take though cause it is so close to home.  You are an inspiration.  Have a great holiday.

 

Julia

(((Bump))) For me, you are one of our members that shine :) I'm so glad you found MIP. There's nowhere on earth that we can go that we can relate, with so many of us that have alcoholic spouses. No one else can understand what that does to a marriage but those of us that live it everyday.. Christy

(((((Bob)))))

I am so proud of you!  You are doing great and it must have been nice to have someone validate your feelings and hard work.  I didn't know they had all male meetings.  Here it is difficult to find face-to-face meetings at all.  Keep up the good work! You are fantastic

Hey Bob!

Aint it amazing!!!!   The programs of AA/Alanon/Alateen are truly gifts from God, and as it says in the big book, cannot fail if we but truly work them. 

So glad you have found Al-anon, and our web site.  You help us all to grow and smile right along with you!

Yours in Recovery,

David

(((bob))) so happy about the progress you are making. im reading codependent no more as well, its a wonderful book and very helpful. hope you enjoy it too.

(((((( hugs ))))))) dear friend...  sorry I've missed ya the last few days, I've not been around.  Hope you are getting some much needed rest.

So glad you found MIP too, HP destined us to become friends, hope the homework is going well & happy for you to get some much deserved "objective" validation. 

love you Bumpsters, -Kitty light fun...   BTW ~ you ARE funny!  Humor is good for all of us, keep sharing! What would we do without you?

Dear Bobump, Love your shares in the chat room, and here, on the "boards". My daughter is my A - sober, and in AA for over five years. When she was drinking, there were some fun times for me - before I realised. She is an actor, poet and stand up comedian - not your usual shrinking violet, lol! So, she is fun, and she used to call me, lets go out to eat - always fun places, the latest fad. When she got sober, the invites dried up - we have occasional coffees, but, as far as I remember, only one meal out (my treat) to a special Indian restaurant, which does not allow alcohol! Anyway, after I had been in Alanon for a couple of years, she rang up, had a present for me...... this was the fun side of her, when she used to drink...... turned out to be Melanie Beattie (I think).... Co Dependent No More. Could have crowned her with it, was so angry, and, in truth, let down, expected a fun present. After 1 year, I read the accursed book - it made me cringe..... I have played both parts, the manipulated, and the manipulator. When I joined Alanon, I was waiting for the "sting" - pay up - join our cult.... lol, and was suspicious of the dont read non CAL (conference approved literature). Now, I think CAL has it all, everything we need. But, if you are in recovery, non CAL is OK, only, it does not offer us a program. Where am I going with this post? Nowhere, just, in my experience, get the program first, all the non CAL stuff is an added bonus. Will have to scroll back, thoughts have rambled, make sure that is what I mean! rofl. Oh yes, I know what I was going to say, your therapist sounds cool - some of them give out confusing messages. Just for me, Bobump, alanon has all I need, when I learn to keep working at it - you are one of the ingredients that make it all make sense! Males are under-represented in our f2f meetings, but, quality makes up for quantity! Lots of love, Flora xxxxx