why is it that when your little the world seems like one big great adventure.
when you hit your teenage years you begin to imagine sharing your life with that "special someone".
i thought i found mine.
why does life throw you these awful situations that sometimes seem sooo surreal that i cant see throu the day.
after my initial shock and pain at seeing my boyf, drink and basically in my eyes turn into an unloving, numb monster who didnt care what he put me throu.
i know he has his addictions and that will always be with him no matter where he goes.... but why did god have to send him in my direction.
i used to believe that he did to prove two things. (1) prove to my boyf. that he could have the life he always dreamed of with a business and a family that loved him uncondiionaly and (2) prove to me that true love really did exist and that like everyone else i could be happy and have someone who loved me for me and to stand by my side.
why did it all have to go horribly wrong??
how did it go from me...going to bed wrapped in a bubble of love safe in the knowledge that my boyf. loved me and would do anything for me....to me going to bed ALONE....anxious and my heart full of pain like a dull ache that refuses to leave.
and do you know what hurts the most??? its the fact that i know i will never love someoneelse again... i couldnt.
my heart couldnt take it. the hurting is unreal.
i never had that connection with any guy before...i honestly considered him my soulmate...then disaster struck...and it made me wonder did i ever really know him!
i hate this addiction......i am so full of fear, anger and hate its eating away at me slowly.... i am so bitter and mad at the world i refuse to see the good things in life.
im crying at every single opportunity and im watching tv and reading novels to block out "reality" the reality of knowing im alone for xmas....alone for life.
i wont trust anyone again...and thats a certainty. being on my own is the safest option.
thanks for letting me talk.
rebecca x
Faith73 said
Dec 17, 2005
((((rebecca))))) i can so feel your pain, i've been there before too and go back there sometimes..
it's all part of grieving, the anger and aloneness will pass, don't let the disease drag you down too. You're worth more than that and deserve love just like we all do. Hang in there...ODAAT.
Love in Recovery
Christine
Cyn said
Dec 17, 2005
Ok that made me cry - you just said exactly what I have been feeling. I dont think I will ever love again (at least in that way). He was my soulmate - and I never felt so good in my life as I did with him and I wouldnt allow the situation to get very far when I found out about his drug problem - due to fear that it would destroy the perfection we had.
I'm doing stupid things that I know are just keeping my emotions locked away - i called a new interest last night to see if he wanted to go out for drinks - then avoided his call when he called back twice...then there is this guy that I see every now and then at swim meets who is another coach in the area. Every meet I see him at - he makes a point to talking to me and finding out how I am doing, etc etc etc and I invited him to my house for drinks with some other people next friday - he said he would love to but is going to Texas for Christmas. He was so touched by my invite and said he never gets to do much with people in the area because he doesnt know many and I got scared off by this...I could have easily given him my number and pursued SOMETHING - but I chickened out. He then spent the day doing sweet things for me - getting me meet programs and other gentlemanly things.
I dont WANT to move on - I want my ex. He was the best connection I ever had with another human being and I dont want anything else....
cdb said
Dec 18, 2005
(((((((((Rebecca)))))) My heart goes out to you! I guess there is no answer when it comes to this disease. Just know that your HP/higher power has a better plan for you when the time is right for YOU. Keep on posting and reaching out here. I can feel your pain and yes it hurts like hell! You so deserve so much better and it will be there for you. Work your program and it will help you be a better person and less likely to be attracted to the same kind of personality. This is my experience. Your friend in recovery, cdb
gardengal said
Dec 18, 2005
Rebecca, I dont know how old you are, however this disease can strike at any age. For me I was married 30 years, and the last few years of my marriage was absolutely HELL because of my husbands drinking. He and I also had everything, and most people were definately jealous of our relationship. "BUT" the booze and the definate change in his behaviour became horrific over time. I watched a man I love go from a caring, loving, great sense of humor, to a complete stranger, verbally abusing me, mentally draining me, and putting me to a point of going over the edge into insanity. I tried everything in my power, humanly, to retrieve the "old" husband back but that was not to be. In the end I had to make a choice, not that I had wanted any of this, as I too wanted to grow old together, watching our grandchildren play together etc etc. I have learned that I have to take care of myself, put my needs, desires, wants, first now, because if I dont no one else will. It has been a long road for me to get to this point, and I am slowly getting back to my old self, laughing again, having fun, and getting my self worth, and self esteem back. It is not so bad being alone, I have friends and family and my dog who love me, and I also have this group of the Alanon family who are there for me whenever I need them. So Rebecca start taking care of yourself, your life is not over, and start living and enjoy...............
Live and Let Live.........................................................gardengal
Rebecca said
Dec 18, 2005
just so you know gardengal.....im 24. thanks for listening.
nycbt said
Dec 19, 2005
Thank you for sharing. It is very hard to deal with disease. I have an active aclohic husband who I love very much but it is hard to deal with when he is drinking. He is a different person I am trying to work on my self like you should try and do.
why is it that when your little the world seems like one big great adventure.
when you hit your teenage years you begin to imagine sharing your life with that "special someone".
i thought i found mine.
why does life throw you these awful situations that sometimes seem sooo surreal that i cant see throu the day.
after my initial shock and pain at seeing my boyf, drink and basically in my eyes turn into an unloving, numb monster who didnt care what he put me throu.
i know he has his addictions and that will always be with him no matter where he goes.... but why did god have to send him in my direction.
i used to believe that he did to prove two things. (1) prove to my boyf. that he could have the life he always dreamed of with a business and a family that loved him uncondiionaly and (2) prove to me that true love really did exist and that like everyone else i could be happy and have someone who loved me for me and to stand by my side.
why did it all have to go horribly wrong??
how did it go from me...going to bed wrapped in a bubble of love safe in the knowledge that my boyf. loved me and would do anything for me....to me going to bed ALONE....anxious and my heart full of pain like a dull ache that refuses to leave.
and do you know what hurts the most??? its the fact that i know i will never love someoneelse again... i couldnt.
my heart couldnt take it. the hurting is unreal.
i never had that connection with any guy before...i honestly considered him my soulmate...then disaster struck...and it made me wonder did i ever really know him!
i hate this addiction......i am so full of fear, anger and hate its eating away at me slowly.... i am so bitter and mad at the world i refuse to see the good things in life.
im crying at every single opportunity and im watching tv and reading novels to block out "reality" the reality of knowing im alone for xmas....alone for life.
i wont trust anyone again...and thats a certainty. being on my own is the safest option.
thanks for letting me talk.
rebecca x
((((rebecca))))) i can so feel your pain, i've been there before too and go back there sometimes..
it's all part of grieving, the anger and aloneness will pass, don't let the disease drag you down too. You're worth more than that and deserve love just like we all do. Hang in there...ODAAT.
Love in Recovery
Christine
Ok that made me cry - you just said exactly what I have been feeling. I dont think I will ever love again (at least in that way). He was my soulmate - and I never felt so good in my life as I did with him and I wouldnt allow the situation to get very far when I found out about his drug problem - due to fear that it would destroy the perfection we had.
I'm doing stupid things that I know are just keeping my emotions locked away - i called a new interest last night to see if he wanted to go out for drinks - then avoided his call when he called back twice...then there is this guy that I see every now and then at swim meets who is another coach in the area. Every meet I see him at - he makes a point to talking to me and finding out how I am doing, etc etc etc and I invited him to my house for drinks with some other people next friday - he said he would love to but is going to Texas for Christmas. He was so touched by my invite and said he never gets to do much with people in the area because he doesnt know many and I got scared off by this...I could have easily given him my number and pursued SOMETHING - but I chickened out. He then spent the day doing sweet things for me - getting me meet programs and other gentlemanly things.
I dont WANT to move on - I want my ex. He was the best connection I ever had with another human being and I dont want anything else....
Rebecca, I dont know how old you are, however this disease can strike at any age. For me I was married 30 years, and the last few years of my marriage was absolutely HELL because of my husbands drinking. He and I also had everything, and most people were definately jealous of our relationship. "BUT" the booze and the definate change in his behaviour became horrific over time. I watched a man I love go from a caring, loving, great sense of humor, to a complete stranger, verbally abusing me, mentally draining me, and putting me to a point of going over the edge into insanity. I tried everything in my power, humanly, to retrieve the "old" husband back but that was not to be. In the end I had to make a choice, not that I had wanted any of this, as I too wanted to grow old together, watching our grandchildren play together etc etc. I have learned that I have to take care of myself, put my needs, desires, wants, first now, because if I dont no one else will. It has been a long road for me to get to this point, and I am slowly getting back to my old self, laughing again, having fun, and getting my self worth, and self esteem back. It is not so bad being alone, I have friends and family and my dog who love me, and I also have this group of the Alanon family who are there for me whenever I need them. So Rebecca start taking care of yourself, your life is not over, and start living and enjoy...............
Live and Let Live.........................................................gardengal