Hello Group,

I have not had a chance to post in a few days.  As some of you know my "a" and I are back in therapy.  One of my questions about doing this counseling was what do I do if he is still using and we are trying to learn these new skills.  He has refused to refrain from drinking or smoking pot during our "couple" time to go over this stuff, and he has told me that I cannot bring up my concerns about him smoking pot to the counselor.  He has completly taken this off the table of discussion.  So, I've decided o.k. can't talk about the concerns I have with drug use, I can talk about concerns with alcohol use, even though he will not take responsibility for it.  I can also talk about the observations I have seen with his self-esteem issues, his ego issues, his on-going competition with me, and the resentment he obviously has towards me.  The one thing I realized is that I can't change where I come from, how I was raised, my personality.  In fact I don't want to.  I can change some of the dynamics in the relationship that I am responsible for.  Will this help?  Only time can tell.  I'm disenchanted with this couseling at this point with hope for us, but still hopeful for me.  Any thoughts to how I should handle the substance abuse stuff with the couselor?  Thanks

Twinmom~

  I think my A and I could benefit from counseling if we could not deal with stuff on our own. But I don't think counseling would do any good if he's still in denial or active. I mean you can go to a session and talk and listen but what good is it if he goes out later and uses or drinks. I think his self-esteem, resentment, etc. are a direct result of his drinking. Once he starts dealing with that, you can move onto the other stuff. And I don't think it's a good idea for him to say what can be talked about or not in counseling. It's like saying he'll only go if you don't talk about certain things. Is that the way it is with yours?...jaja

once again-- I totally get where you are coming from. For years, my A would not enter any counseling type situation with me because his pot use not up for discussion. I give you credit for trying to work around that elephant in the room that no one dares to speak of. Can YOU benefit from the therapy despite his halfassed involvement? Sure. Odds are that the therapist also senses that there is more to the story---as with most situations, there are many many layers. Keep going if its working for you--if its just costing you $$ and frustrating you,you might need to consider your other options. at least Alanon is free! take care- Jeanne

Hi Twinnie,

My husband and I both have counselling with a d/a counsellor but we see separate counsellors and visit on our own.  Down the track obviously we will link up.  My A was the first to do the counselling which is because I had said that I would not support him on my own this time.  I never thought he would agree to it in the first place as he is dead against anything like that.  It was my decision to see another counsellor for me.  I deal with the issues I am having and the focus and session is for my sanity.  I choose when and how often I want to go.  Not sure if this helps.  Luv Leo xx

If you feel that you can benefit from going - but you are not allowed to be totally honest while going as a couple, maybe you could go individually (?)

Sonya