I feel like I am going in circles..Here I am, December 2005 and feeling the same way I did 2 years ago.  My life is out of control, I moved out in September then moved back 30 days later to promises of a better tomorrow.  Then, well.... You all know what happens after a few short weeks of sobriety.  They slip.. Then find it hard to get back on the right track.  Then you start all over again.. The denial, the blame game.. I am sure that I am not alone in this however, I am feeling like I am the only person who has ever been in my shoes..

Last Saturday was my company Christmas party.  All was good, we went shopping and bought my husband a new shirt and tie.. We came home and when he ask what time i said that 6:30 was cocktail hour and 7:30 dinner so we could go around 7 .. Well, he was MAD.. Ask why i didnt want to go there at 6:30 I told him I didnt want to stand around and drink.. Needless, to say we argued and I begged him to go.. I cried, and he was mad.. All because, I didnt want to go to drink.. I finally, left.. I went to the Christmas party alone.. I came home around 10 and he wasnt here he came home 15 min later with beer.. He had his own party..

I was hurt.. Again, he couldnt support me.. It was all about him and what he wanted. 

I just keep asking myself.. Why?  Why am I here ?  Do i love him or am i just comfortable here ?  Afraid to make a change.. Afraid I will be alone forever... How do you know ?  After 18 years is it normal to not be sure if you love someone ?  My Mom says that I need to work on my self esteem and get rid of him .. Sometimes, I look at my life from the outside in and wonder why i am still here .. I never thought I would let someone treat me the way that I have been treated.  I always thought I was strong and didnt need anyone or anything.. Why ??

Thanks for reading.. Any advise ????

 

Tammy

 

 

Hi Tammy,

I know it's hard when you can't decide if you should stay in the relationship or not.  Sometimes, for me, it's that I don't want to make the decision.  I guess in a way I'm kind of scared to take that giant step.  But then the good times come, and everything is going great for a while, and I think it's all going to work out.

It's a scary/mad/frustrating/difficult situation to be in, but only YOU can be the one to make that decision.  And you WILL know what to do, when the time is right.  You are right where you are supposed to be, right now.  When you don't know which way to turn, just stand still and wait.  Your HP is working in you, and He will help you to know what to do.  Just be still and know that He is God.

((much love))

Kathi

When I was in the process of leaving my husband I thought it was because I wasn't strong enough to continue in the chaos.  I wavered often about whether or not I was going to leave and realized that I didn't know if I was strong enough to leave.  It was easier for me to stay in a marriage that was miserable than face the unknown.

After i left I felt so free and excited about the possibilites of my new future.  It felt wonderful.  After 30 days, I too, returned with false promises of a different tomorrow.  I felt so let down, angry and disappointed.  I was angry at myself for falling for this mess all over again.  Will I stay or leave again?  I don't know, but feel sure that at some point I will leave again, permanantly.  I am not ready to do that at this moment, so just for today I choose to stay. 

Although I am choosing to stay, I still need to work on me.  Just because I came back doesn't mean that I get what I deserve.  I have the right to feel free and live a life filled with purpose and happiness.  I deserve someone who is there for me and to have a relationship that is 50/50 always and not when it's convenient for the addict in my life. You deserve the same.  The question is can we be happy and live with an addict?  For today, I can be.

right now i feel your pain so much. my a let me down tonight too and may in fact be having a relapse as we speak. if he does thats his problem not mine. im still with him because i havent left yet. not ready. im getting closer and closer the more  he acts in these horrible ways though. i wont know if i should leave until i know. does this make sense to you. anyways i understand its very difficult. sometimes you hate him sometimes you love him. and you want the loving him all the time. well thats how it is for me. i just always convince myself that he may change and there are more good times then bad. if im ever ready to go my hp will open my eyes to see how my life really is and i wont like it. but only you can make the desicion to stay or go. keep coming here it works

Tammy,

My long-term relationship recently ended. Here's what's worked for me in the past: For myself, when I find I'm going in circles with the should I go or should I stay in my relationship, I've discovered that sometimes it's a distraction from really taking care of myself. That doesn't mean that I won't eventually need to and want to answer whether I plan to stay (and certainly physical abuse would propel me to leave immediately). However, when I find myself ping-ponging between going and staying, I try to stop, reassure myself with the following: I don't have to make that decision right this minute, I can take time to really think about what I want, I can stop my crazy circling and do the next thing to take care of myself. For me, whether I stay or whether I go, I will still need a STRONG, WELL CARED FOR ME. And, I often forget this fact when I'm just ping-ponging. Also, I believe that the more I strive to REALLY take CARE of ME FIRST and work my program, I will naturally and organically KNOW what the right decision for me is, I don't have to force the decision. Easy does it, one day at a time, first things first--all of those slogans help me.

BlueCloud

-- Edited by BlueCloud at 22:47, 2005-12-15

Hi ((Tammy))

I too have a problem with this one. My relationship has been "ping-ponging"around for nearly 3 years. Finally I kicked my A out and found this Alanon site and started working on myself. I live in turkey and have no f2f or even any friends I can talk to about my situation. Their answers would all be to ditch him so I keep my mouth shut.(Funny I can't do that with my A?-need to work hard on that one)

I've found a strength I didn't know I could have from this site and have been really working hard on the programme and really focused on me...and was at the stage where I was asking my HP ( I call him God) to give me some positive sign that I was where I was supposed to be. Not five minutes later there was a knock at my door and I opened it to find my A walking in the front door with 2 suitcases!!! I was fuming,angry,confused,scared,every emotion all rolled into one. I couldnt think straight. I agreed he could stay one night then he had to go.He wanted to talk things through and was scared that if he warned me he was coming,I would never allow it.(He was right!!)

Anyway,he had nowhere to go right then so I agreed he could stay and we could talk later when I gathered my senses. Next day I woke up with a bad dose of laryngititis and couldnt say a word for 3 days!! (Stange the way Hp shuts me up??)

My A seems to have finally accepted he needs AA and has been attending meetings and this weekend he is on his first AA convention. I feel very serene.....today!!! I was totally convinced I didnt want to be with my A again,but this last week has been wonderful. We have even been praying together...now that's a first. I have no idea how long it will last and I have no idea if he has hit his bottom and will get sober. I just figure that my HP thought I was where I should be right now.(I wasnt too impressed with that a week ago that's for sure!!)

I don't think any of us know,until we know.(If that makes any sense??)

I know exactly how hurt and let down you are feeling. I realised that I have already committed to an ex pats Christmas Party on Christmas day here in Turkey.Its at a local pub,and my A wants to come too as he is curious about Christmas(I have always been back to Uk so it will be our first Christmas together). If I said I wasn't nervous about it,I'd be lying. Of course there will be free flowing alcohol there. My A said not to worry as he can get drink anywhere,and of course,thats true. I thought about cancelling my original plan and not going. Then I decided that was taking the focus off me and back onto him.And I really dont want to slip back into everything always being about him. So I made a decision to go,and take him with me.And I will try to relax and enjoy it and not to watch for him sneaking off to the bar.(Last time we went to a wedding and my A drank cola...till I went to the toilet for 5 minutes and he downed a whole glass and a half of vodka in that time!!! and ruined the evening) I'm going to try and not revert back to the suspision and worrying and just let his HP deal with him,while I deal with me. It won't be easy,But I am going to try.

I have to work hard to keep the focus on me and my recovery.If he slips I'm not sure how I will react....and will try very hard not to,but...???? I guess we all just have to work it however it makes sense to us.

((Tammy)) I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. Hang in there.... Your HP will guide you. I also agree that it is so important to work on your self esteem. That is something I am struggling with too. Take care of yourself.... remember to keep the focus on you! Linda