My sponsor informed me I need to focus more on letting go. I recently have been running in circles -where my focus should be. While here I was thinking I had a relapse in my recovery, due to some “stinking thinking” It’s back to the first topic that brought me to al-anon that I need to place my focus on, which is Letting Go.
I feel in a sense (for me) there is more to working this than Let Go and Let God, Detachment and the Serenity Prayer.
I am curious what does “Letting Go” mean to you?
-- Edited by tea2 at 21:31, 2005-12-15
Friendofyours said
Dec 15, 2005
Well, for me my personal "letting go" was starting small with quitting checking on what he was doing on a daily basis, then I would quit snooping to find out things I already knew, then I quit letting his "victim" stories rip at my heart. Then for some reason I quit worrying about him getting help. I finally after four years of torturing myself just quit. I could snoop and get mad but why? It never changed him doing what he was doing it just ruined my day. Although along with letting go alot of my feelings from my heart went with them. After not seeing my A for two months I finally seen him again at our childrens Christmas play. I felt a bit sad at myself for thinking what I was thinking but I didn't want to sit next to him because he smelled like vodka. His face was blown up and his front tooth went missing somewhere. He did not look like that handsome man I married. I had to detach to become healthy. I had to quit worrying. My help was not taken and I tried everything under the sun. I am sooooooooo much better now. I am fighting with my heart about feeling sorry for him and wishing he could be free from his madness. But I guess somethings do not need to be detached like that. I wish you the best and I hope I helped a little.
KathyS said
Dec 15, 2005
To me Letting Go means turning my problems over to God and then learning to wait patiently until he answers them. It means letting go of the things I have no control over, the things that are robbing me of my peace.
Diva said
Dec 15, 2005
To me "letting go" simply means accepting that which I cannot change. Giving everything to God doesn't work for me because I think the Man upstairs expects us to provide a bit of intelligent cooperation in solving our own problems.
By the way, I am not so hot at "letting go." But I am getting better!
Diva
Powerless said
Dec 15, 2005
I don't believe that "Letting Go" means not trying or not dealing with issues because my HP will magically do everything for me. I think that "Letting Go" means to let go of the dispair and worry and know that my HP will reveal things to me as he sees fit. He will provide me with the services, the people and the knowledge to help myself.
Letting go means not trying to control my husband or his addiction. it is between him and his HP. Just like my recovery is between me and my HP. His recovery is none of my business (although I am supportive of it, but only want to know what he is willing to share out of sincerity and honesty) just as my recovery is none of his business.
cedarpines said
Dec 15, 2005
Hi (((Tea2))),
I couldn't agree more that there's more to it than we think. Especially in light of my current circumstances, I've been brought up short - back to step 1 again. Just when I think I'm making progress. I'm learning in each situation I face, letting go means something different. I'm having trouble letting go of this anger, frustration, etc. this time. I've done my powerless lists as advised, but I seem to be irritable and impatient and have lost all serenity. I write my Dear God letters & put them in my God drawer or God box - maybe He's just not working fast enough - I don't know. I really thought I knew & could have answered you a couple of months ago, when in the middle of fighting this battle, battles - I don't have a clue - I'll let you know. Good question though, because it got me to thinking. Thanks for your post.
Take Care,
Cedarpines
chris52 said
Dec 16, 2005
Hi (((TEA)))
I found this poem just after i found all of you wonderful people. I posted it a while back but read your post and thought as so many newbies on the site it might be appropraite to your post?
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means ,I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To "Let go" is not to try and change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome, but to allow others to affect their own destiny.
To "let go" is not to be protective,
It's to permit others to face reality.
To "let go" is not to nag,scold or argue, but to search my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to criticise and regulate, but to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past but to grow and accept the future.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is TO FEAR LESS......AND LOVE MORE.
I like this. I don't find it easy but when I am having real trouble getting my head straight I do find reading this gives me a sense of calm.
My A is back having manipulated his way back into my home.I was really mad when he just marched in with his suitcases leaving me standing there open mouthed in total shock. I let him stay one night so I could gather my thoughts and lo and behold,next day got a bad dose of laryngitis and couldn't talk at all for three and a half days.(How's that for divine intervention??? Oh Lord help me to keep my big mouth shut till I know what I am talking about?"-I didnt mean for HP to remove my voice completely!!! LOL)
Anyway,in that three days my A went to two AA meetings on his own choosing(before he only went if I reminded him) and today he is attending his first AA convention for 3 days.The last convention we planned together,I was there 4 days and everything was in Turkish so I didnt understand any of it. My A didnt even show up and was in a gutter somewhere out of his head!!!
I'm trying so hard to keep the focus on me and trust that he is where his HP wants him to be. I plan a nice bubbly bath and dinner with some friends and I'm doing my darnedest to "let go and let God". Wish me luck?? LOL.
I hope this helps dearest Tea.Without your wise words to me and those of other dear wonderful people on this site,I wouldnt even be this serene as I am today....thanks everyone. Am sure that in a weeks time I will be climbing the walls again,but just for today I am letting go with love, and enjoying this moment.
Karilynn said
Dec 16, 2005
((((tea)))))),
Letting Go has meant for me, just that.... Letting Go. Because my husband is living apart, I find myself worrying about him in ways that I wouldn't normally if we were living together. Is he getting his laundry done? Is he warm enough? Does he have enough food? etc, etc, etc....
Here he is concentrating on recovery, and doing really good at it. Now it's the little things I find myself worrying about. While they are all good and loving things to be concerned about, I can't seem to settle my mind. So I have to stop and remind myself that he is an adult. He has choices to make, and they have consequences. When he was drinking he would pass out. Now that he's sober he can actually take care of those things for himself. If he choose to drink, I have no say in that. What he does with his recovery is his choice too. I can't hold his hand every step of the way.
It doesn't mean that I don't support him. It means I love him enough to set him free and see what he can do. If he falls, he falls. I'll be there for him, but not enable him.
Letting Go has also helped me to be stronger, to be able to do the things I need to do to take care of me. It has also helped me not to loose myself in his disease.
Live strong,
Karilynn
megan said
Dec 16, 2005
Letting Go
I need to work on this too.
I have a bucket of crap in my head and need to dump it out.
I have alot of anger, perhaps even rage towards my husband.
How does this anger serve my purpose to get better?
It does not.
But still I feel the anger. It is real.
I like the reponses here and will need to work on letting go.
I will let go and Let God. He can I can't.
bobump said
Dec 16, 2005
Tea,
Thanks for getting the ball rolling on an AWESOME thread. I hesitated to post to it because I'm so new I don't really know what letting go means.
Sometimes it's minding my own business, sometimes it's asking my HP for help with a defect, sometimes it's just me asking my HP, I can't do anything for my A anymore and I'm giving it all to him. I ask him to take what he likes and leave the rest. When I do this he seems to take just what I needed.
I have almost 15 years or resentments built up. I let them affect how I relate to my A, I let them affect my mode. Even after trying to work my program lately, I'm in a foul mood. There is literally clothes, and wrappers and toys and boxes all over my house. I can't do it all, and luckily I don't try to do it anymore. But I can't stand living like this either. I'm not a neat freak but I should see more than 50% of my floor. I've let go in the fact that I've told everyone, I'm overwhelmed, I need help, I can't do it all. You must pitch in or I'm not getting to putting this decoration up or out. I don't have lights outside. Everyone wants them.....but I will not do them until after I have enough clean forks for dinner, a clean cup in the house. etc. I can't let go of the resenment though that this goes back to my A not parenting our children, and undermining me when I tried to parent them. I find it hard to let go of past resentments, when I feel like I'm still suffering the consequences. I guess I need to ask HP for help w/ this one cause I'm failing miserably Letting these go on my own.
The good news is that I'm not building new resentments.
Bob
Maria123 said
Dec 16, 2005
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
This is one of my very favorites ((((((((Tea)))))))) from Language of Letting Go.
“Letting Go”
My sponsor informed me I need to focus more on letting go. I recently have been running in circles -where my focus should be. While here I was thinking I had a relapse in my recovery, due to some “stinking thinking” It’s back to the first topic that brought me to al-anon that I need to place my focus on, which is Letting Go.
I feel in a sense (for me) there is more to working this than Let Go and Let God, Detachment and the Serenity Prayer.
I am curious what does “Letting Go” mean to you?
-- Edited by tea2 at 21:31, 2005-12-15
I don't believe that "Letting Go" means not trying or not dealing with issues because my HP will magically do everything for me. I think that "Letting Go" means to let go of the dispair and worry and know that my HP will reveal things to me as he sees fit. He will provide me with the services, the people and the knowledge to help myself.
Letting go means not trying to control my husband or his addiction. it is between him and his HP. Just like my recovery is between me and my HP. His recovery is none of my business (although I am supportive of it, but only want to know what he is willing to share out of sincerity and honesty) just as my recovery is none of his business.
Hi (((Tea2))),
I couldn't agree more that there's more to it than we think. Especially in light of my current circumstances, I've been brought up short - back to step 1 again. Just when I think I'm making progress. I'm learning in each situation I face, letting go means something different. I'm having trouble letting go of this anger, frustration, etc. this time. I've done my powerless lists as advised, but I seem to be irritable and impatient and have lost all serenity. I write my Dear God letters & put them in my God drawer or God box - maybe He's just not working fast enough - I don't know. I really thought I knew & could have answered you a couple of months ago, when in the middle of fighting this battle, battles - I don't have a clue - I'll let you know. Good question though, because it got me to thinking. Thanks for your post.
Take Care,
Cedarpines
Hi (((TEA)))
I found this poem just after i found all of you wonderful people. I posted it a while back but read your post and thought as so many newbies on the site it might be appropraite to your post?
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means ,I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To "Let go" is not to try and change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome,
but to allow others to affect their own destiny.
To "let go" is not to be protective,
It's to permit others to face reality.
To "let go" is not to nag,scold or argue,
but to search my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to criticise and regulate,
but to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past
but to grow and accept the future.
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "let go" is TO FEAR LESS......AND LOVE MORE.
I like this. I don't find it easy but when I am having real trouble getting my head straight I do find reading this gives me a sense of calm.
My A is back having manipulated his way back into my home.I was really mad when he just marched in with his suitcases leaving me standing there open mouthed in total shock. I let him stay one night so I could gather my thoughts and lo and behold,next day got a bad dose of laryngitis and couldn't talk at all for three and a half days.(How's that for divine intervention??? Oh Lord help me to keep my big mouth shut till I know what I am talking about?"-I didnt mean for HP to remove my voice completely!!! LOL)
Anyway,in that three days my A went to two AA meetings on his own choosing(before he only went if I reminded him) and today he is attending his first AA convention for 3 days.The last convention we planned together,I was there 4 days and everything was in Turkish so I didnt understand any of it. My A didnt even show up and was in a gutter somewhere out of his head!!!
I'm trying so hard to keep the focus on me and trust that he is where his HP wants him to be. I plan a nice bubbly bath and dinner with some friends and I'm doing my darnedest to "let go and let God". Wish me luck?? LOL.
I hope this helps dearest Tea.Without your wise words to me and those of other dear wonderful people on this site,I wouldnt even be this serene as I am today....thanks everyone. Am sure that in a weeks time I will be climbing the walls again,but just for today I am letting go with love, and enjoying this moment.
Letting Go
I need to work on this too.
I have a bucket of crap in my head and need to dump it out.
I have alot of anger, perhaps even rage towards my husband.
How does this anger serve my purpose to get better?
It does not.
But still I feel the anger. It is real.
I like the reponses here and will need to work on letting go.
I will let go and Let God. He can I can't.
Tea,
Thanks for getting the ball rolling on an AWESOME thread. I hesitated to post to it because I'm so new I don't really know what letting go means.
Sometimes it's minding my own business, sometimes it's asking my HP for help with a defect, sometimes it's just me asking my HP, I can't do anything for my A anymore and I'm giving it all to him. I ask him to take what he likes and leave the rest. When I do this he seems to take just what I needed.
I have almost 15 years or resentments built up. I let them affect how I relate to my A, I let them affect my mode. Even after trying to work my program lately, I'm in a foul mood. There is literally clothes, and wrappers and toys and boxes all over my house. I can't do it all, and luckily I don't try to do it anymore. But I can't stand living like this either. I'm not a neat freak but I should see more than 50% of my floor. I've let go in the fact that I've told everyone, I'm overwhelmed, I need help, I can't do it all. You must pitch in or I'm not getting to putting this decoration up or out. I don't have lights outside. Everyone wants them.....but I will not do them until after I have enough clean forks for dinner, a clean cup in the house. etc. I can't let go of the resenment though that this goes back to my A not parenting our children, and undermining me when I tried to parent them. I find it hard to let go of past resentments, when I feel like I'm still suffering the consequences. I guess I need to ask HP for help w/ this one cause I'm failing miserably Letting these go on my own.
The good news is that I'm not building new resentments.
Bob
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
This is one of my very favorites ((((((((Tea)))))))) from Language of Letting Go.
Keep workin it, Love,
Maria