I am at this moment ticked off about something and my brain is stuck somewhere. I have told my A (who still "stays" at a motel) that this relationship cannot work unless he first gets support through AA or whatever. Then maybe we can start talking about our marriage stuff. I've been to hell and back with him so many times and I want to climb out of co-dependency.I am not trying to say, "Go to AA or else..." but that's what he thinks I'm saying and he says I can't make him go. Well, I know all that. I am trying to let him know I can't keep on in this unless he does something about himself.( I have started f2f myself). I don't want to. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't have to go to AA. He can choose to do whatever he feels like doing - go to AA, get drunk, whatever he chooses. It is his choice. But I don't have to live with it and he can't make me. That's MY choice. He's already in a motel but spends more time than not here in the house. I told him it seems like he wants to be home. He immediately put up his shield and got ready to pull out his sword. So I dropped the whole discussion. I don't argue about anything with him now. But I still don't see how I'm giving an ultimatum in a negative way.....jaja

Mean what you say, and say what you mean....

Ultimatums are not wrong, per se, but they are very damaging, to you, and to your relationships, if you issue them and don't follow through with the consequences..... Most of us here, as good old fashioned codependants, have issued numerous ultimatums to our A's, only to have them break the "rules", and then we don't follow through on the consequences.

Ultimatum is a strong word, and can have negative connotations (especially to the sick alcoholic).  I prefer the word "boundary", as in: "you cannot live in this house until you are actively participating in a recovery program that includes AA".  Then, if he chooses not to attend AA, you would need to follow through on the "not living in the house" plan.

Alcoholics judge us by our actions, NOT our words.

Tom

jaja, I agree with Tom.. It's a boundary. You have decided what you can or cannot live with. If your A wants to manipulate it in to imagining it's something else, so be it. The damn disease will fight any way possible to stay active. Stick to it jaja! Christy

I was thinking what everyone else said. Boundries are good. You seem to get it, that you dont' have to live like that either. Your just letting him know the consequence of his actions in regards to your relationship. I try to have these discussions w/ my A regarding parenting. Don't threaten something you know you wont' or can't follow through on. Sometimes even in parenting I've heard parents utter something I know they don't have the intestinal fortitude to follow through on. You just lose credibility. Your right, you can chose how to live yourself. Your not making him get treatment, your just not going to be around to watch the demise if he doesn't. Bob

Ultimatums rarley work , because we are usually not prepared to stick to them.  which in the long run  shows them that we don't mean a thing we say and they know it .

Say what u mean , mean what u say but don't be mean when u say it works for me . There is always a concequence  to an ultimatum  if u can live with the fact that it probably won't work and u may have to carry out your threat then go for it .

Louise

Tom is right.

You have set the stage, and an ultimatum is not easy.  In order for them to work, you have to prepare yourself for ALL options, and be willing to stick to your guns, no matter what!!!

(However, God will not be mad if you go against your ultimatum)

An ultimatum is a "do it or else___________"

You have to be prepared to the "or else______", the alcoholic will test every stinking thing inside of us to try to get their own way, trust me, I know.  I separated for 3 years with the premise being that I will not go back unless he sobers up...well, that didn't work

Firstly congratulations on expressing yourself on the fact that you know you don't want to continue living with the problem - I, like you issued the 'get help or I'm leaving you' ultimatum many many times before I realised that nothing, other than him making his own mind up to get help would make him attempt recovery.

So after many ultimatums, I moved from ultimatum to choice.  From, get help or else to - whatever you want to do is great and I love you but I choose not to live like this, so if you are actively drinking I have to walk away for my own health and sanity. 

A difficult move to make but I did it and am better off for it.  I still have hope my A will achieve sobriety - and at least now he is making a genuine attempt at recovery cos hes doing it for him and no one else (he'd already reached point where he'd lost everyone - which was the turnaround point for him I think)

But do what you know in your heart is right for you.  Its hard, and its a long road, but you will definitely find the support you need here - I know I did.

 

We don't set ultimatums, we set boundaries and that is quite healthy.  Just remember to always mean what you say and follow through

JaJa,

An ultimatum is basically a way of trying to threaten a person into doing what you want. They don't work and they are a way of manipulating someone.

If you are deciding what is not accpetable to you and are willing to live with the consequenses of your actions and really have no expectations, then it is not an ultimatum, it is a boundary. You have every right to decide what you will not tolerate, but you have to be willing to accept whatever happens. That doesn't mean you can't hope, just don't expect.

I have found that my husband tries to insist any boundary is an ultimatum. But that is his issue, not mine. I think the same goes for a lot of A's.

Only you know what you can and can't live with. Just mean what you say and say what you mean.

                                         Love Jeannie

On the topic, thank you.  I am fully prepared to give my "A" (more specifically, alcohol and pills) 'boundaries' not to cross, but it is a very touchy subject.  My mother is pill dependant (rightfully on the medication, but abusing severely) and consuming alcohol, and my father is an alcoholic.  I am ready to set a boundary, but am working towards facing the aftermath.  I recently had a beautiful, precious baby girl (now 6 months old and growing like crazy!) and my parents like to have her overnight to give us some time to ourselves and to enjoy her company.  Recently, my father was put back in the hospital because he started drinking again and his pancreatitis flared up......and I am still aware of my mother's pill/alcohol issues, not to mention her mental state (she is carrying a lot in her head and will not open up to anyone).  I am scared of the "unintentional" situations that may occur, i.e., my mom being asleep in the morning and not being able to get up, or being too tired or falling back asleep right after baby ate, and with my dad, having to go to the hospital again for being sick.  I know they would never intentionally hurt their granddaughter, but there is the "what if".....that I am scared about.  I am not denying them the right to see their grandchild, but I feel I must set a boundary.  As another said, I don't want to say, do this or else, but I feel in a way I must.....but as a boundary.  "You may have your granddaughter sleep over anytime you would like, as long as you are both actively seeking help to a sober lifestyle".......sounds like a good way to start.....well, here's the problem...my mom does not think she has any problems, or does and isn't saying anything.  Being a newbie at all of this and bettering myself, is this a good way to start?