I am new to this web site and have already found it very helpful. I have been to a few al-anon meetings and have decided to start working the steps. My husband is an ACoA. His brother is also currently an active addict. The big question is, is he (hubby) an alcoholic? We have been married for 10 years, and in the first 5 years of our marriage, I described him as an alcoholic. He was a heavy and frequent drinker, exhibited classic behaviors - and I exhibited classic behaviors of a co-dependent. He was a "severe case." In the last 5 years, however, things have gradually gotten better - now a "mild case." For this I am grateful, but it is still a presence in our lives. He still occasionally goes on a binge, or will have a one to three month cycle in which he drinks more frequently (although only a fraction of what it was 8 to 10 years ago.) He has never attended AA or any other type of recovery program. The closest he has come to admitting that he is an alcoholic is to say that he knows it is hereditary, that his father was an alcoholic, and that he has the potential to become an alcoholic if he doesn't monitor it. He generally tends to believe that he can "manage" it. This is not logical given what I have learned about the disease - but the weird part is that things have improved over the years. Is alcoholism always progressive? Maybe he isn't an alcoholic... ??? Anyone else had an experience like this?
canadianguy said
Dec 15, 2005
The disease itself, almost without fail, IS progressive.... That being said, there are small percentages of alcoholics who can go for long periods of times, in relative controlled drinking...... Most cannot...
Is he an alcoholic? From what you have told us, I would suggest that he is, or at least has alcoholic tendencies...
Welcome to the site.... it is a good place
Tom
sonya said
Dec 15, 2005
Tom, Thank you for your reply...
This leads me to my current situation. We have recently become aware of my brother-in-law's addiction. This had lead to several discussions about addiction in our house. All this talk, reading, etc. has lead my husband to think about his own "potential" addiction. He wants to go to an Al-anon meeting (because of his brother). I also occasionally benefit from Al-anon meetings (because of him). We live in a very small town there is really only one al-anon meeting. I feel that I should give him space to attend a meeting without me - as dealing with his brother is tending to lead him to look inward at his own addiction. On the other hand, I benefit from the meetings. I am finding it hard to support him - and still give him the space he seems to desire.
The whole situation is just weird to me - and something I never imagined -- addressing his addiction indirectly through is brother's addiction.
bobump said
Dec 15, 2005
Are there any other meetings, couple towns away? I have no meetings in my town.
Can you both attend? I understand though that you might not want to share when he is there.
Also, maybe you could benefit from open AA meetings.
Maybe you can alternate ?
You can come to our online meetings as well.
Just some ideas and some others may have even better ones.
Bob
canadianguy said
Dec 15, 2005
That's a tough one, about the one meeting per town, and the good that it will do both of you.... Best scenario, is that you could both attend, but I would suggest that is not likely, as it would be tough for you to be open, if your fears are around your hubby's drinking....
If he is willing to go, it might not be a bad thing at all.... I think a lot of "curious addicts" start in Al-Anon, and it helps them get to the realization that what they really need is AA. In the meantime, you need a solution that works for you.... So either finding another meeting (if possible), or putting your needs first, and attending that meeting, and allowing him to make his choice, seem to be your two options...
Good luck with that, and hope you stick around here as well!!
Tom
Powerless said
Dec 15, 2005
It is a progressive disease. My husband was able to abstain for a year and a half. Then he would binge every few months. I thought that meant he could control things if he wanted to. What I learned was that it is typical of addicts to attempt to prove to themselves that they can "control" or "monitor" their behavior. After a while they can't control it. Keep it mind that it is not how much they drink or how often, it is their behavior. I am not an expert, but it certainly sounds as if he may need some help. Keep coming back here and go to some face to face meetings. Regardless, you need to keep the focus on yourself because their is nothing you can do about his drinking.
I am new to this web site and have already found it very helpful. I have been to a few al-anon meetings and have decided to start working the steps. My husband is an ACoA. His brother is also currently an active addict. The big question is, is he (hubby) an alcoholic?
We have been married for 10 years, and in the first 5 years of our marriage, I described him as an alcoholic. He was a heavy and frequent drinker, exhibited classic behaviors - and I exhibited classic behaviors of a co-dependent. He was a "severe case." In the last 5 years, however, things have gradually gotten better - now a "mild case." For this I am grateful, but it is still a presence in our lives. He still occasionally goes on a binge, or will have a one to three month cycle in which he drinks more frequently (although only a fraction of what it was 8 to 10 years ago.) He has never attended AA or any other type of recovery program. The closest he has come to admitting that he is an alcoholic is to say that he knows it is hereditary, that his father was an alcoholic, and that he has the potential to become an alcoholic if he doesn't monitor it. He generally tends to believe that he can "manage" it. This is not logical given what I have learned about the disease - but the weird part is that things have improved over the years. Is alcoholism always progressive? Maybe he isn't an alcoholic... ??? Anyone else had an experience like this?
The disease itself, almost without fail, IS progressive.... That being said, there are small percentages of alcoholics who can go for long periods of times, in relative controlled drinking...... Most cannot...
Is he an alcoholic? From what you have told us, I would suggest that he is, or at least has alcoholic tendencies...
Welcome to the site.... it is a good place
Tom
Tom, Thank you for your reply...
This leads me to my current situation. We have recently become aware of my brother-in-law's addiction. This had lead to several discussions about addiction in our house. All this talk, reading, etc. has lead my husband to think about his own "potential" addiction. He wants to go to an Al-anon meeting (because of his brother). I also occasionally benefit from Al-anon meetings (because of him). We live in a very small town there is really only one al-anon meeting. I feel that I should give him space to attend a meeting without me - as dealing with his brother is tending to lead him to look inward at his own addiction. On the other hand, I benefit from the meetings. I am finding it hard to support him - and still give him the space he seems to desire.
The whole situation is just weird to me - and something I never imagined -- addressing his addiction indirectly through is brother's addiction.
That's a tough one, about the one meeting per town, and the good that it will do both of you.... Best scenario, is that you could both attend, but I would suggest that is not likely, as it would be tough for you to be open, if your fears are around your hubby's drinking....
If he is willing to go, it might not be a bad thing at all.... I think a lot of "curious addicts" start in Al-Anon, and it helps them get to the realization that what they really need is AA. In the meantime, you need a solution that works for you.... So either finding another meeting (if possible), or putting your needs first, and attending that meeting, and allowing him to make his choice, seem to be your two options...
Good luck with that, and hope you stick around here as well!!
Tom