I went to my first al anon meeting recently. I have some very mixed feelings on whether or not I belong. I didn't grow up wiht an active drinker. I'm dating someone who is in Recovery (4 years), but wasn't involved with him while he was using. However, both my parents are children of alcoholics. My father has some addictions that he isn't dealing with and my mother is incredibly codependent. I don't know how to have normal relationships with anyone. When I go down the list on whether or not Al Anon is for me (especially the Did you grow up iwht a problem drinker questions), I couldn't describe myself better if I tried. This list: 1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation? Always. 2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments? I constantly feel like I'm a huge failure 3. Do you fear criticism? Yes 4. Do you overextend yourself? Yes 5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior? Yes - I overspend, I'll overdrink in the right situation. 6. Do you have a need for perfection? Yes. If it isn't perfect I'll lie and pretend it is. It's really important to me that everything LOOK perfect from the outside. 7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems? Yes, and if there aren't any, I'll cause them. 8. Do you feel alive in the midst of a crisis? Hmmm. I'm not sure. 9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life? I feel responsible for the feelings of others. 10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself? Yes 11. Do you isolate yourself from other people? Yes 12. Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people? I tend to cry hysterically if I fight wiht boyfriend (over something small). 13. Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you? I feel some people do. 14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships? Yes 15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker? Pity and love and intertwined. 16. Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive? Yes yes yes, everyone I've ever been wiht has been an addict or emotionally distant. 17. Do you cling to relationships because you are a afraid of being alone? Yes. I've not been single for the last 15 years. 18. Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings of others? YEs. I'm often confused at what my feelings even are. 19. Do you find it difficult to express your emotions? Yes 20. Do you think someone’s drinking may have affected you? This is the one I'm not sure of. So, do I belong at Al-anon? Should I be somewhere else. If the drinker wasn't in my nuclear family, is Al anon the right place for me still?

Velvetpaw, It doesn't even have to be a family member. If you've been affected by anyones drinking you have a qualifier. Also I've met quite a few in Al-Anon who's qualify were drug users. I've heard alot about codependancy in alanon shares so I've done some reading and searching. There are codependants anonymous. So far this is the group for me, it seems that so many alanoners have similar backgrounds and traits. I find alanon both online and f2f to be a huge asset in my life for helping my understand who and what I am and how I can change what I need to. So, let me say welcome, and keep coming back. Bob

Welcome to the MIP room. Talk to people get to know people try and make friends and it will work for you. Everyone is very nice here. Post your feeling an people will be able to help you.

ehh, I guess I am approval seeking again I'm going to give it a try. I'm just so worn down from going on as I am. Individual counselling isn't working for me anymore, so I want to try this.

Welcome Velvetpaw,

Sounds to me like you belong.  You said that your parents are children of alcoholics... could very well be then that you did grow up in an "alcoholic" home, just minus the alcohol.  Many of us display learned behaviors of our "non" drinking parents, the term frequently used is dry drunk.  Many times I've said that I was possibly "sicker" than my a, simply because I didn't have the bottle to explain my behaviors.  For many years I didn't even know that my dad was an alcoholic, yet once in Al-anon I mentioned to my sister that our dad sure did sound like one and she assured me that he was... she remembered him coming home drunk and the fights that she tried to break up between my mother and him.  Goes to show you what a stuffer I became. So keep coming back, things will begin to make sense... just remember, one day at a time and progress, not perfection.

Cilla

Hi Velvet and Welcome,

This is a great place where you will find much experience, strength and hope. 

If you're asking yourself if you belong, chances are high you do.  I honestly believe everyone could benefit from the 12 step way of life, regardless if they have an addict/alcoholic in their lives at the moment or not.

This disease touches so many and the character defects carry on down the line until someone takes that first step and seeks recovery for themselves.  Then the repetitions behaviors have a chance of being stopped.  If your mom/dad/whoever  wasn't an alcoholic, yet she was raised by an alcoholic/addict, then chances are she has some of the traits and will pass them on to her children.  At least that's my opinion. 

Glad you're here.

Well Velvet, you seem to have an A or and A+ on your "test for Al-Anon", so I'm guessing that you do, indeed belong!!  Welcome aboard, and depending on what is affecting you the most, you may find that you get more out of CODA (Codependant's Anonymous) meetings, but they are both 12-step principled, and both work on the same general guidelines and concepts....

The "only" criteria for 'belonging in Al-Anon' is having anyone in your life that it is a problem drinker, and that you are affected by it...

Welcome... this is a good place to be.

Tom

hi velvetpaw,

you sound a bit like me.  my parents are not A's, but my mom was an acoa. then i realized that gee, addiction actually runs rampant in my family (my brothers all have some sort of addiction whether it is alcohol or gambling and my uncles, grandfathers, friends, etc.)  i too dated unavailable men and/or a's.  my last relationship brought me here, i was living with an active a.  you can check out a few meetings to see if alanon is for you.  i'm finding it to be an awesome program, like they say, it works if you work it so keep comin. 

love in recovery, christine

Hi Velvetpaw and welcome from Australia and I love your name sounds very gentle.  Luv Leo xx

Hello Velvet - you bet u belong.  And in m y opinion  drunk or sober if you want to have a relationship with an A al anon is a must.   Once an A always an A used to scare me to death today I know it dosent mean that they will necessaritly drink again  but alcoholism has some pretty nasty character defects attached to it and if not working a program the  A I mean  not much will change except they don't drink.

This is a ver selfish disease and affects all of us in a negative way, Al-Anon will help u set boudaries for your reltaionships while keeping your life on track , we keep the focus on our needs and leave the alcoholic to God and AA . They do a much better job than we ever could  hehe. good luck  Louise