My parents are coming to visit this weekend. The kids and I have really been looking forward to it. I have been feeling like I need a dose of Mom and Dad love.
Last night I ran into a problem. My Mom called to confirm the trip and she started telling me to make sure my husband was not around this weekend. She said they did not want to deal with him. I told her I would try, but he tends to pop in when he likes. Knowing that my parents are here, it is almost a guarantee that he will show up. He likes to play Mr Wonderful when he has an audience of them. He tries to make himslef look good. He is convinced my parents adore him as they are always polite to him. In reality, they have no use for him. My Mom saids they would be sick if he tries to put on a show for them.
Then she started on me; that this was my fault, why do I put up with him. I am in this financial mess because I have allowed it. She said cancell his insurance drag his butt to court and get rid of him.
I told her he is using the insurance for the rehab, and she said that is a waste of money, all tehy are doing is validating his behavior, that Christmas is coming and I am not being fair to the kids by paying for insurance. I have thought of getting rid of the insurance. It is a huge payment out of my check. I cannot even afford to use it to take anyone to the Doctors or Dentist, as I can't afford the copays. The only one benefitting from it is him, he goes to the Doctor, the rehab, the Chiropracter and the Dentist regularly, as his parents pay his copays. I have been holding off cancelling to see if the rehab does help.
I told my Mom this and she flipped, she said he is not an alcoholic, stop treating him like one, stop wasting your money. She said he is a lazy, Mommy's Boy drunk, not an alcoholic. She said he does not need a twelve step program, just a kick in the A$$, a few nights in jail, and a Divorce. She told me, that a real man would stand up to his Mother and start supporting his family. I tried explaining to her that I had to give it time, that I was doing what I had to and she got angry and said I was doing it at the expense of my children and that I was wrong. The conversation got very heated. I understand fully how she feels and I don't want to argue with her. I was really looking forward to this weekend, but now I am very apprehensive.
Could she be right? Is there a difference between an alcoholic and a lazy drunk? I thought they where one in the same. That it is someone who cannot control their drinking, that drinking causes problems in there life.
My Mom says an Alcoholic drinks becasue he has to, that he can't contol it and other problems are created because of it. She says a drunk is lazy and wants an easy life, he causes problems and drinks to escape them. I think what we are dealing with here, is what came first the chicken or the egg. I don't think it really matters, that it should be dealt with the same way. How do I, or should I even bother trying to make her understand.
Love Jeannie
PS, I know she means well, she is just frustrated. She sees me hurting and her and my Dad hurt. My Dad does understand, and still gets angry, Mom just gets angry.
-- Edited by Jeannie at 16:22, 2005-12-15
browneyes said
Dec 15, 2005
(((((((((Jeannie)))))))))))
I don't know how you do it!! You must be very strong, dealing with all of these people telling you what to do. Your mom sounds like mine. Until just recently she realized that she should just stay out of it because nothing was going to make me change the way I am except me. Our moms just care about us and our happiness and want to caretake us. She said she just lets it go because otherwise she would make herself crazy with worry and it would not help or change anything. Maybe just try to enjoy the weekend and not talk about it if you can and get what you need, some parental love. Let her know that you just need love and support right now and you value her concern but don't want to talk about it? I know it's easier said than done....
In answer to your question, I personally don't see a difference. but not all alcoholics are lazy. It's just like "normal" people, everybody is different. I don't know if you should try to make her "see" your point of view. Only if you want to. Hope things go well for you, you deserve to enjoy the weekend!
Love Julie
pixel04 said
Dec 15, 2005
(((Jeannie))) I agree with you - I feel it's one and the same. You're not going to change your mom's view. All you have control over is yourself, your view, your actions. Do the best thing you can see to do and try not to worry about your mom. I get into heated discussions with my mom, and then I have to remind myself that I have a program and she does not. Sometimes just remembering that gives me the little kick I need to trust my own gut. You're in my prayers.
Christy said
Dec 15, 2005
(((Jeanniie)))
The saying "what others think of me is none of my business" may apply here. I also take that as "what others think I should do is none of my business".
If it were me, I'd take myself out of this mess and let your Mom handle her feelings with your A as she sees fit.
If she has issues with him, deal with him, without trying to go through you. Remember, just as you don't have to attend every fight, you don't have to be sucked in to every discussion either.
Your Mom can discuss her issues with your A if she feels the need, but as you said, she chooses to act polite around him.
Mom's love us, that's just the way it is..but sometimes it's wisest to put their stuff back on them and not accept it as yours to deal with. This way, you can't be blamed for handling her issues with him in wrong way. They are hers.
If he appears and she is polite, she missed her opportunity to deal with her feelings. Again, her choice.
IMO, their visit may be a lot more peaceful if you don't take on the responsibility of doing what someone else thinks is right.
Say what you mean, but don't say it mean. :)
Christy
leo said
Dec 15, 2005
Hi Jeannie,
Hang in there amidst the chaos around you. It doesn't matter whether he is a lazy drunk or an A it is still you who chooses to make the decisions about him in your life. It sounds to me like your Mum is a bit frustrated probably sees how tired you are etc and wants the best for you. Any issues your Mum has with your A are just that between him and her. You have enough of your own to deal with hand some back to HP. You can't control how your family is going to react around your A just as you don't know when he will pop in. Try and enjoy your Christmas and anything else can wait until you are good and ready. Luv Leo xx
-- Edited by leo at 19:42, 2005-12-15
tea2 said
Dec 15, 2005
(((Jeannie))) Oh wow, I too feel she may be looking out for their daughters and grandchildren's well being, thinking they are being supportive of you the only way they know how. You seem to be doing alot of explaining lately. I am making a guess here -they (your parents) are not familiar with alanon? I can relate to them wanting what is best for you just as your A's mother (side) may feel the same for him. I am not sure what to suggest, except to hold on tight and know that in 10 days the holidays will be over. As for the difference between an alcoholic and a lazy drunk? Not in my case, my son's father is both. I sincerely hope you will be able to enjoy some of that good ol mom and dad love in this trying time you are so deserving of. Wishes, Tracey
Hi, I hope everyone is well.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend. The kids and I have really been looking forward to it. I have been feeling like I need a dose of Mom and Dad love.
Last night I ran into a problem. My Mom called to confirm the trip and she started telling me to make sure my husband was not around this weekend. She said they did not want to deal with him. I told her I would try, but he tends to pop in when he likes. Knowing that my parents are here, it is almost a guarantee that he will show up. He likes to play Mr Wonderful when he has an audience of them. He tries to make himslef look good. He is convinced my parents adore him as they are always polite to him. In reality, they have no use for him. My Mom saids they would be sick if he tries to put on a show for them.
Then she started on me; that this was my fault, why do I put up with him. I am in this financial mess because I have allowed it. She said cancell his insurance drag his butt to court and get rid of him.
I told her he is using the insurance for the rehab, and she said that is a waste of money, all tehy are doing is validating his behavior, that Christmas is coming and I am not being fair to the kids by paying for insurance. I have thought of getting rid of the insurance. It is a huge payment out of my check. I cannot even afford to use it to take anyone to the Doctors or Dentist, as I can't afford the copays. The only one benefitting from it is him, he goes to the Doctor, the rehab, the Chiropracter and the Dentist regularly, as his parents pay his copays. I have been holding off cancelling to see if the rehab does help.
I told my Mom this and she flipped, she said he is not an alcoholic, stop treating him like one, stop wasting your money. She said he is a lazy, Mommy's Boy drunk, not an alcoholic. She said he does not need a twelve step program, just a kick in the A$$, a few nights in jail, and a Divorce. She told me, that a real man would stand up to his Mother and start supporting his family. I tried explaining to her that I had to give it time, that I was doing what I had to and she got angry and said I was doing it at the expense of my children and that I was wrong. The conversation got very heated. I understand fully how she feels and I don't want to argue with her. I was really looking forward to this weekend, but now I am very apprehensive.
Could she be right? Is there a difference between an alcoholic and a lazy drunk? I thought they where one in the same. That it is someone who cannot control their drinking, that drinking causes problems in there life.
My Mom says an Alcoholic drinks becasue he has to, that he can't contol it and other problems are created because of it. She says a drunk is lazy and wants an easy life, he causes problems and drinks to escape them. I think what we are dealing with here, is what came first the chicken or the egg. I don't think it really matters, that it should be dealt with the same way. How do I, or should I even bother trying to make her understand.
Love Jeannie
PS, I know she means well, she is just frustrated. She sees me hurting and her and my Dad hurt. My Dad does understand, and still gets angry, Mom just gets angry.
-- Edited by Jeannie at 16:22, 2005-12-15
(((((((((Jeannie)))))))))))
I don't know how you do it!! You must be very strong, dealing with all of these people telling you what to do. Your mom sounds like mine. Until just recently she realized that she should just stay out of it because nothing was going to make me change the way I am except me. Our moms just care about us and our happiness and want to caretake us. She said she just lets it go because otherwise she would make herself crazy with worry and it would not help or change anything. Maybe just try to enjoy the weekend and not talk about it if you can and get what you need, some parental love. Let her know that you just need love and support right now and you value her concern but don't want to talk about it? I know it's easier said than done....
In answer to your question, I personally don't see a difference. but not all alcoholics are lazy. It's just like "normal" people, everybody is different. I don't know if you should try to make her "see" your point of view. Only if you want to. Hope things go well for you, you deserve to enjoy the weekend!
Love Julie
Hi Jeannie,
Hang in there amidst the chaos around you. It doesn't matter whether he is a lazy drunk or an A it is still you who chooses to make the decisions about him in your life. It sounds to me like your Mum is a bit frustrated probably sees how tired you are etc and wants the best for you. Any issues your Mum has with your A are just that between him and her. You have enough of your own to deal with hand some back to HP. You can't control how your family is going to react around your A just as you don't know when he will pop in. Try and enjoy your Christmas and anything else can wait until you are good and ready. Luv Leo xx
-- Edited by leo at 19:42, 2005-12-15
Oh wow, I too feel she may be looking out for their daughters and grandchildren's well being, thinking they are being supportive of you the only way they know how. You seem to be doing alot of explaining lately. I am making a guess here -they (your parents) are not familiar with alanon? I can relate to them wanting what is best for you just as your A's mother (side) may feel the same for him. I am not sure what to suggest, except to hold on tight and know that in 10 days the holidays will be over.
As for the difference between an alcoholic and a lazy drunk? Not in my case, my son's father is both.
I sincerely hope you will be able to enjoy some of that good ol mom and dad love in this trying time you are so deserving of.
Wishes, Tracey