Yesterday in the parent meeting for my daughters therapist, my wife basically blames me for all our ills. I do my share of blaming too, but I do step up to the plate and take responsibility for at least some of it. The therapist was saying that we basically either have to work it out or get a divorce, the kids can't keep seeing this discord. Even though there is not much fighting in front of them, there isn't much love or even friendship. She asked me if I was willing to try to make it work. I mustered up a yes. Not sure how convincing, since I wasn't terribly convinced. I thought about saying I don't know, but the conflict avoider in me got the best of me. My A sat there for what seemed like 10-20 seconds......and finally said, I've given up. I try to hug him and he just sits there w/ his arms to his side (exageration but I'm not very recptive nor recipricative at this point). She fails to see any cause and effect from the times I've just shut down but I digress. I was really kinda floored to hear her actually come out and say it. Now you'd think I'd be relieved that maybe we are both thinking that ending this might be best for all. I wasn't. So I've been doing Christmas, trying to balance that this might be our last Christmas totally together. Now it seems even more. I can't go all out cause I'm out of money and I'm out of time. Getting minimal support at home means that I've not gotten much done. I'm happy that while I'm having a difficult time staying in the spirt of the holiday, I've had glimpses of the spirit. I think January will be when I start making decisions and taking action's if necessary. Bob

bob,

it's good you can look at the positives (christmas spirit) during this time.  i'm sure it will mean alot to the kids to see that. i love that this program tells us we can wait to make decisions, especially big ones.  i was always one to rush a decision and regret it later.  i'm learning to slow down and wait til the time is right.  i ask my hp for guidance daily.

stay strong :) 

love in recovery, christine

(((((((Bob))))))))

You sound like me.  I don't want to be in the relationship, it is not even a relationship for that matter.  But I still don't want to get a divorce.  And I don't feel relieved when my husband says maybe we should separate, I panic.  We do fight but then he trys to show me love even when I don't want to hug him.  And i can't stand to be around him when he is getting high.  But I am still putting off leaving him for various reasons.  It is very confusing and even depressing.  I also grew up with an unpredictable mother and an alcoholic father, so no wonder I can't figure it out.  The more I learn the more I realize that it is going to take a long time for ME to recover too!  It's hard, really hard to know what to do.  But I will say this, from what you have posted so far, it doesn't sound like you want to be there.  It sounds like you have had it with her.  Not that I blame you, just an observation with no meaning.  I wish you the best, I'm sorry you are going through this, especially right now.  You sound like you care very much for your children so maybe just do the best you can with what you can give them, your love and concern.  One day at a time.

Love Julie

Sometimes our reality checks come from the oddest places... even our A's!!

For me, I was desperately trying to hang onto my marriage, and the "so-called" stable family environment that I wanted so badly....  It wasn't until many, many, times, where my counselor would address me and say:  "Tom, you are trying to save the 'perfect, white picket fence marriage'..... You do NOT have a perfect, white picket fence marriage.  You are trying to save the concept, or your ideal of a marriage!".

I heard it.... over and over and over again, until it finally sunk in....

I think..... so many of us, in relationships with A's, try to rationalize stuff to the point of dysfunction.... I learned, for me, that whenever I started a sentence of "when she is sober....", I took it as a sign that I was minimizing, and rationalizing, the reality in my life at the time...  How many posts do we all read here (and posted ourselves), when we say:  "he/she is really loving, when they aren't drinking..."  Grrrrrr.

This is where I had to get to in my recovery..... My "Dragnet philosophy" (Just the facts ma'am) is so important....  I believe, as we get ourselves better, we learn to focus on "what is", and steer away from what we "want it to be".

Take care Bob.

Tom

 

Though it surprised you, it sounds as if you had an eye opening moment.  Good for you!  Continue to focus on the Holidays, they will be over soon and then you can begin earnestly focusing on you.