1. I have chosen to remain with the alcoholic because I beleive I have received guidance from my HP. When I do what I truly feel inside is right, things go very well for me. Even tho he is active, and I have done a few things to contribute to his addiction, I think I have a solid relationship with my HP. To anyone outside, I may appear to be a crazy, loopy, enabling, codependant but inside my heart, I know I am doing the right thing by God.
2. Every day I get the opportunity to start over. I am reminded EVERY day that the only person I can control is me... (sometimes I can't even do that!!). SO, i rely heavily on God for help. I want to do what is right by HIM regarding my family, but I have no clue how to break the chain... I ask (almost) every day for guidance (step 11). When I err, I can say sorry, I can say sorry for things gone by, even years ago. Each day is a gift... I can do with it what I want.
3. I get REALLY down sometimes, so I come here to post. Sometimes my thoughts aren't written exactly how I feel, but the process of writing them down gives me some clarity, and the feedback I receive is usually focused on what I need to hear. I get to choose what to take, and leave the rest for someone else.
4. I can get very defensive, and hurt people. I do this unconsciously, and often irrationally.
5. I can ask forgiveness.
Friends, nobody is perfect in this program. The beauty is that each step, tradition, concept and slogan can be utilized differently by each person. This program is strictly a guide. We have the freedom to choose which path we will take, and which steps we will apply to our lives today.
Aron
Oh, in hindsight, I have a revelation:
The only person who has to live with my decisions is ME. I am okay with that. I do some dumb things once in a while (well, often), but the fact is I am open, honest, and willing to share my struggles, as well as my triumphs, regardless what other people might think. That is a big step, considering I had big abandonment issues, and wanted everyone to like me...
Life is not easy, nor is it fair.
With Alanon, it becomes acceptable.
notsonew1111 said
Dec 14, 2005
(((aron))) im currently reading codependent no more by melody beattie. it is wonderful and very helpful. if you havnet read it yet i think it would be very beneficial for you and learning about your codepency and how to grow. best of luck
your sister in recovery,
notsonew
rosie light shines said
Dec 14, 2005
notsonew1111 wrote:
(((aron))) im currently reading codependent no more by melody beattie. it is wonderful and very helpful.
i TOTALLY agree....i got ALL of beatties books, AND pia melody "facing codependence" wow!!! i was sooo shocked at the "why i do this..that" thing........as i work on taking care of / loving me...even tho i ache i am so lonely, i will not go "back there' with a's and na's.........give me a good ole LONG timer coda/ or alanon'r/ or acoa someone who has been in the program for a while and WORKS it...........peace / rosie
kitty said
Dec 15, 2005
Wow Aron... I have written to u b4 (I think)... this is a powerful post. I haven't been on the Board much the last 2 days or in my night-time mtgs here, so here I am & I see this powerful post of yours! I appreciate the gut wrenching honesty & simplicistic explanation. This is what this Program is all about as far as I'm concerned....
WOW!!! As idiosyncritic & diverse, I am as an individual, I also am simple. You write 5 points about yourself that are true, honest, concise... I appreciate what you said & can totally relate to them all! You have written something profoundly spiritual & eloquent. It is obvious you have worked the steps @ least once. Thanks, again.
Talking about HP & knowing HP/God is the very reason I am here, breathe ~ anything. I love your "basic facts" & choose to speak back to you, to get to know you & to share for all of us. I am an open book, anyway. I believe "story telling" is (and am relaizing how not only valubale it is but) truly critical for &/in the process of our recoveries. We are only as sick as our secrets. Whoever sd that was a genius, I heard it somewhere, it is naught of me... it is Godly.
Why we love, is a gift, un/inexplicable & beyond comprehension.
Love is illogical & a gift from God for the growth/knowledge of our experience of loving- itself. For me, the concept of God=light=love is all the same creative energy. It is our choice every new moment to have a genesis, a reactive moment in the "now." To respond in anew & different way that feeds growth, which IS painful & new or to continue to do the 'same old things'. I too am acoa & have these abandonment issues but if I abandon myself (?) geez ~ I have to think I am worth it.
Today I do think I am worth it. I cannot turn HP off, like other's that I know.... I often think it must be "so easy for them" ~ I think we are even more sick than they are.
To explain the impetus behind this energy, would be impossible. I'm not sure but I believe we are all caught up in having a "human experience."
It is Godly to ask for & give forgiveness... defending love is unfounded. God gives us love, period. Why I have loved those that i have is a mystery to me, I consider it a gift to grow. What else would I do anyway, I try to be gracious & learn my lessons with the least amount of scar tissue.
My mom used to tell me when I ws a lil kid, "if we were perfect, we would already be Angels in heaven."
I know it is difficult to face but we are all alone ~ truly ~ we can be 'alone together' but we have our own experiences, period. As humans we all suffer, no matter what.
My dear friends in recovery;
Here are some basic facts about me.
1. I have chosen to remain with the alcoholic because I beleive I have received guidance from my HP. When I do what I truly feel inside is right, things go very well for me. Even tho he is active, and I have done a few things to contribute to his addiction, I think I have a solid relationship with my HP. To anyone outside, I may appear to be a crazy, loopy, enabling, codependant
but inside my heart, I know I am doing the right thing by God.
2. Every day I get the opportunity to start over. I am reminded EVERY day that the only person I can control is me... (sometimes I can't even do that!!). SO, i rely heavily on God for help. I want to do what is right by HIM regarding my family, but I have no clue how to break the chain... I ask (almost) every day for guidance (step 11). When I err, I can say sorry, I can say sorry for things gone by, even years ago. Each day is a gift... I can do with it what I want.
3. I get REALLY down sometimes, so I come here to post. Sometimes my thoughts aren't written exactly how I feel, but the process of writing them down gives me some clarity, and the feedback I receive is usually focused on what I need to hear. I get to choose what to take, and leave the rest for someone else.
4. I can get very defensive, and hurt people. I do this unconsciously, and often irrationally.
5. I can ask forgiveness.
Friends, nobody is perfect in this program. The beauty is that each step, tradition, concept and slogan can be utilized differently by each person. This program is strictly a guide. We have the freedom to choose which path we will take, and which steps we will apply to our lives today.
Oh, in hindsight, I have a revelation:
The only person who has to live with my decisions is ME. I am okay with that. I do some dumb things once in a while (well, often), but the fact is I am open, honest, and willing to share my struggles, as well as my triumphs, regardless what other people might think. That is a big step, considering I had big abandonment issues, and wanted everyone to like me...
Life is not easy, nor is it fair.
With Alanon, it becomes acceptable.
(((aron))) im currently reading codependent no more by melody beattie. it is wonderful and very helpful. if you havnet read it yet i think it would be very beneficial for you and learning about your codepency and how to grow. best of luck
your sister in recovery,
notsonew
Wow Aron... I have written to u b4 (I think)... this is a powerful post. I haven't been on the Board much the last 2 days or in my night-time mtgs here, so here I am & I see this powerful post of yours! I appreciate the gut wrenching honesty & simplicistic explanation. This is what this Program is all about as far as I'm concerned....
WOW!!! As idiosyncritic & diverse, I am as an individual, I also am simple. You write 5 points about yourself that are true, honest, concise... I appreciate what you said & can totally relate to them all! You have written something profoundly spiritual & eloquent. It is obvious you have worked the steps @ least once. Thanks, again.
Talking about HP & knowing HP/God is the very reason I am here, breathe ~ anything. I love your "basic facts" & choose to speak back to you, to get to know you & to share for all of us. I am an open book, anyway. I believe "story telling" is (and am relaizing how not only valubale it is but) truly critical for &/in the process of our recoveries. We are only as sick as our secrets. Whoever sd that was a genius, I heard it somewhere, it is naught of me... it is Godly.
Why we love, is a gift, un/inexplicable & beyond comprehension.
Love is illogical & a gift from God for the growth/knowledge of our experience of loving- itself. For me, the concept of God=light=love is all the same creative energy. It is our choice every new moment to have a genesis, a reactive moment in the "now." To respond in anew & different way that feeds growth, which IS painful & new or to continue to do the 'same old things'. I too am acoa & have these abandonment issues but if I abandon myself (?) geez ~ I have to think I am worth it.
Today I do think I am worth it. I cannot turn HP off, like other's that I know.... I often think it must be "so easy for them" ~ I think we are even more sick than they are.
To explain the impetus behind this energy, would be impossible. I'm not sure but I believe we are all caught up in having a "human experience."
It is Godly to ask for & give forgiveness... defending love is unfounded. God gives us love, period. Why I have loved those that i have is a mystery to me, I consider it a gift to grow. What else would I do anyway, I try to be gracious & learn my lessons with the least amount of scar tissue.
My mom used to tell me when I ws a lil kid, "if we were perfect, we would already be Angels in heaven."
I know it is difficult to face but we are all alone ~ truly ~ we can be 'alone together' but we have our own experiences, period. As humans we all suffer, no matter what.
thanks for sharing, love -Kitty