The strangest thing has happened. My a and I were away with friends last weekend and my a has one sober friend (more of a friend of a friend). Everyone in the group was totally trashed the entire trip except me and this nice guy. I met him recently at a birthday party, and spent much of the trip talking to him and getting to know him, (we went to the gym in the hotel together while the others went to the bar.) He's really not my type physically, but that's not even so important to me. He really has his stuff together and has 7 yrs goes to meetings has a sponser is a sponser. I can't get him off my mind, we clicked instantly.I really want to invite him to the holiday get together that I am planning. I feel foolish, but I can't get him off my mind. He said that he's had terrible luck finding the right woman and would love to settle down. My negative side says that he is picking up on my vurnerability. He questioned me several times on how I manage to stay with my husband because of the way he drinks. Everything has been truly calm at home, I have been making meetings and getting re connected with lots of women in the groups, it's been nice. I am taking it slow and focusing more on myself. I would appriciate some opinions.Thx Lil

Well, it seems you have some things in common but you say you are married & happy with things at home.  Everyone is different, but for me infidelity would be unforgivable.

When I was married, our Priest told us it was important to have our own lives & friends.  My ex was very controlling & isolated me from everyone, including my family.  He was a manipulative, insecure bully.

However, we always had a strong physical/sexual relationship.  I'm sure if that was poor or unsatisfying, I wouldn't have hung around as long as I did.  I am pretty psycho about fidelity, I have never cheatted on anyone.  I guess, depending on how far you are considering going with this, think about how you would feel if the tables were turned.

We all end up doing what we want in the end anyway.  I got married in "the church."  My ex & I had made a pact that we would talk to each other first if we ever were attracted to or wanted someone else.  I could see how ppl would go crazy & kill in a passionate rage.  Turns out my ex was pretty perverted, he would have loved it if I would have let him bring another man home - it really freaked me out & hurt me psychologically.

Focus on yourself, only you can know what it right for you.  I have had great & close male friends that were supportive of me & never got involved with them sexually.  Just my humble opinion.

-Kitty

Of course it's nice to have friendship offered, but you might want to take a good hard look at your motives here. Are you wanting to spend some time with him just because it feels so good, to get attention and understanding that you don't get from your A? There's nothing wrong with that, if this guy understands that this is what you are doing. If he thinks there is some chance of a more serious relationship, you are not being fair to him, keeping him 'dangling' just for the ego strokes. If you think this relationship might really mean more to you than that, then it is not fair to your husband. I guess what I am saying is that this is not a time or situation to be lying to yourself, or to either of these men. If you can take a good hard clear look at yourself and your actions, stating them in the baldest of terms, and still like what you see, then you know you are all right. If you are tempted to sort of "shade'' the truth, to make it sound better, then it's time to slow down and back off. Putting myself in the other person's shoes is a good technique, I find, for judging my own actions.

Dear Liliana, For some bizarre, freaky reason, I am attracted to As..... even if I see someone on TV and think, he nice, bet your boots, few weeks later there will be big article on his alcoholism, dont know how I do it, but I do. Maybe you are vulnerable, how could I tell? Just want to share this experience with you: My A daughter went to AA 5 yrs ago, as soon as she stopped drinking, medical problems surfaced, she had to have her gall bladder removed, she was jaundiced, and had hepatitus (spell?). Anyway, her AA friends rallied round, they visited her in hospital (complications - she was there for ages), but, one "special" AA friend was there, made me suspicious, he much older, very handsome, huge bouquets, chocolates, charm oozed from every pore! (Actually, if he had not been there for my daughter, I might have fallen for the package myself! lol). Anyway, there came the time when my daughter said not to mention him to her other AA friends, she had been advised to resist relationships for the time being, she was new to the fellowship. Made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, he gave me a lift home from the hospital, and, (he nearly as old as me), I spelt it out for him - if he was messing around, I would embarrass him in front of his friends, my girl was sober, and, dont know how I knew, but I did, he was pretending.... i.e. watch your step or else!!!! Well, he dropped her like a hot potato, I was terrified. Thankfully, she continued to recover, and saw him for what he was, and is, a 13 stepper - there are people who prey on those who are vulnerable, and AA is a great opportunity for them. The story did not end there, 3 years later, he turned up at alanon - I was opening the meeting, I pretended not to have seen him before. He left like a bullet at the end of the meeting. Now, with some recovery, I feel that I could deal with him without rancour, but, he is a married man with 3 children, his wife thinks he recovering, thinks AA his salvation, but I know, it is where he goes to pick up girls. Sorry, but that is the truth of it, take what you like, leave the rest. We are all different, I am sure many people find partners through AA and Alanon (in fact, I know they do). You are not, at this time, free..... but your friend seems to be moving in on you anyway - does that feel OK with you? Of course he is going to find you attractive - you are attractive! Please understand, I would never judge you, only looking out for you! Lots of love, Flora xxxxx PS My father's wisdom ( he long dead, but it still works! ) If he OK, bring him to meet your family, love is wonderful, thrives on fresh air! (ie out in the open)

Is it him you are attracted to or his supposed sobriety?  I find that I think anyone who is clean or sober at this point looks better than they normally would were I not living with an active addict?  It is very difficult to truly get to know someone in the span of two evenings.  I didn't know my husband was an addict until we were married for two months which was 14 months after we married.

Incidentally, I lived with my ex for a year & half & he was the most considerate & soft spoken, wonderful man I had ever known.

On the second day of our honeymoon...  he yelled at me & never stopped for four years.  Each year the threats & psychological abuse got markedly worse.

He threatened to kill me if I ever spoke about him or his lifestyle & went I ran away from him (on vaca) he threatened to kill my entrie family.

It never even occurred to me that he was an addict, until this passed July when I came back to Al-Anon & could see his past behavior clearly...  blaming me for his entire life! 

Love is blind, but thankfully when my step-father got caught cheatting, I was able to see what I had suffered through with my ex-husband.  I continue to pray for his recovery & mine.

love, -Kitty