I've been having a rough time lately. My husband, who was nearly 20 years sober started drinking again last winter. He wouldn't do it often--in the spring it was more often and more serious. The reason he started, was because some of his friends who were in AA with him, started again and were able to "control" it. My h thought he could too. Well, I can tell you, that he can't.
In Sept., he got really drunk, said he was leaving. When he sobered up, he was sorry and we decided to stay together and work things out. That lasted about 6 weeks before it happened again. Same thing, after lots of tears, talking, he told me that he'd quit. Well, 2 weeks ago, he came home after being with one of those old AA friends. I thought I could smell alcohol, but he denied it. Last Thursday, he came home again after being with the same friend, this time I knew he'd been drinking. He'd promised that he wouldn't drink that day. He denied he'd been drinking to my face.Later, he admitted it. He said he lied because he didn't see that telling the truth would do any good. He says he's not going to drink and that he doesn't want to drink. He wants to start going to church again, do readings with me, not spend time with that friend.
Well, I am a wreck this week. He's proven that I can't trust him. I'd ask him to leave, but we've got 2 children and I couldn't do that to them just before Christmas.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through the whole Christmas thing. If he does move out, that's another problem because I don't make enough money to be able to support the kids.
Alcohol isn't his only problem. He is actively addicted to codeine pills and last winter was smoking marijuana. When I confronted him about the dope, he quit, but that's when the drinking started.
To top it all off, his job is working in a drug/alcohol rehab. I'm terrified he's going to lose his job, or lose his license.
I just don't know what to do--I feel like I'm going to go crazy.
sorry this is so long
Lauren ashley said
Dec 13, 2005
((((((allikat))))))
I can only imagine how you feel.Remember one thing you are not alone in your suffering..we have all been there also.I know that "This too shall pass". As hard as it may sound we have no control whatsoever over alcohol,and never will.It goes the same thing with pills,and drugs.I learned the hard way.I threatened the alcoholic,and thought they didn't love me.It was not right to do either.They are ill.we are sick as well.Lets focus on you getting better.Your husband will come around when he hits rock bottom.This may take awhile,but have faith.
lauren~
KathyS said
Dec 13, 2005
allikat wrote:
The reason he started, was because some of his friends who were in AA with him, started again and were able to "control" it.
*******Well that's one way of looking at it. Another way is that the reason he started is because he is an alcoholic/addict and I am assuming wasn't working any type of program? Just because someone has stopped drinking certainly doesn't mean they're cured. The disease progresses regardless if they're using or not. The best defense against a relapse is actively working a program for the rest of your life.
You said:
My h thought he could too. Well, I can tell you, that he can't. In Sept., he got really drunk, said he was leaving. When he sobered up, he was sorry and we decided to stay together and work things out. That lasted about 6 weeks before it happened again. Same thing, after lots of tears, talking, he told me that he'd quit. Well, 2 weeks ago, he came home after being with one of those old AA friends. I thought I could smell alcohol, but he denied it. Last Thursday, he came home again after being with the same friend, this time I knew he'd been drinking.
******Insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result. He's behaving insanely by saying he's going to quit then not quiting and you're behaving insanely by believing him each time he says it. I'm not in any way saying that to be mean, just trying to give you the prespective of someone not personally involved.
You said:
He'd promised that he wouldn't drink that day. He denied he'd been drinking to my face.Later, he admitted it. He said he lied because he didn't see that telling the truth would do any good. He says he's not going to drink and that he doesn't want to drink. He wants to start going to church again, do readings with me, not spend time with that friend.
******Again, he says what he says and does what he does not to hurt you or intentionally lie to you or let you down, he does these things because of his disease.
You said:
When I confronted him about the dope, he quit, but that's when the drinking started.
*******Do you honestly believe he quit the dope because you confronted him? As we all learn in this program, you simply don't have that kind of power of this disease. All he did was switch substances which is a common thing for addicts to do. First it was alcohol 20 years ago, then it was pot, then codiene pills, now back to alcohol........see the point? His disease has been active all these years just in different forms.
You said:
I just don't know what to do--I feel like I'm going to go crazy.
********What to do about what? The fact that he's actively using and his life is becoming more and more unmanageable? Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this. No matter how much you wish there was, there isn't. You don't have to go crazy......you've taken the first step right here by sharing and reaching out to others who understand what you're dealing with. Have you ever read the Big Book of AA? If not I would strongly suggest it. It will help you understand this disease better and the power it has over the A. It also speaks To the Wives. In the back are numerous shares by A's of their experience with alcoholism and recovery. F2f meetings are what I suggest to everyone simply because they work. If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.....then look to those who have been where you are and have found a better happier way of life through this program. Then, to get what they have, you have to do what they did.
I know you're hurting right now and not sure of what if anything to do. Pray to your HP and ask for guidance. Work this program for peace of mind and program tools that will absolutley help you and make YOUR life more manageable regardless of what you're husband is or isn't doing. I'm glad you shared.
Powerless said
Dec 13, 2005
I agree with Kathy. This is a progressive disease and if your husband isn't getting help he will only get worse. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I worked in a detox and one of the counselors told me that he couldn't take credit for a clients success because that meant he had to take the blame for a relapse. I didn't fully understand what he meant at the time, but do now. If your husband works in a detox/rehab he knows what he has to do and understands the consequences.
Whether you leave or not is your choice. You have to make the decision based on your feelings and circumstances. Don't make a decision while upset and worried. Take time to think about things and go to meetins. I have even gone to many AA/NA meetings so I would have a better understanding. Read some literature. Take care of yourself. You don't have to make a decision before the holidays if you don't want to. How old are your children? Are they old enough that you could talk to them about what's going on?
We are here for you and I hope you keep coming back.
nmike said
Dec 14, 2005
Hi allikat,
I know where you are with your husband. Mine is doing something similar but no alcohol. It just says it all about the disease of alcoholism. We are powerless. Also, what I have learned is that they cure one addiction with another addiction. This is really where we need to focus on ourselves and not be pulled into the whirlwind with them.
As for Christmas and the kids, I have put on my happy face for my kids in the past. It is only one holiday. Do your best and take care of yourself. You can do this. Are you going to meetings? Keep coming back to the board.
In support,
Nancy
Diva said
Dec 14, 2005
Oh dear one, I can soooo relate to your post. My own darling husband relapsed after 25 years sober! I am so naive about alcoholism that I didn't believe a thing like this was possible! It hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks on the head! After the initial shock of it all; after all the tears, anger, and resentment, we have to face it square on for what it is. It is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. My A is now back in his program and sober several months...ooops I forgot that three-day binge a month or so ago...but it is truly a one-day-at-a-time existence. Stick with your program. Set your boundaries. You'll make it. It's just that some days you don't think you will.
With great caring and understanding, Diva
Hi everyone,
I really could use some support.
I've been having a rough time lately. My husband, who was nearly 20 years sober started drinking again last winter. He wouldn't do it often--in the spring it was more often and more serious. The reason he started, was because some of his friends who were in AA with him, started again and were able to "control" it. My h thought he could too. Well, I can tell you, that he can't.
In Sept., he got really drunk, said he was leaving. When he sobered up, he was sorry and we decided to stay together and work things out. That lasted about 6 weeks before it happened again. Same thing, after lots of tears, talking, he told me that he'd quit. Well, 2 weeks ago, he came home after being with one of those old AA friends. I thought I could smell alcohol, but he denied it. Last Thursday, he came home again after being with the same friend, this time I knew he'd been drinking. He'd promised that he wouldn't drink that day. He denied he'd been drinking to my face.Later, he admitted it. He said he lied because he didn't see that telling the truth would do any good. He says he's not going to drink and that he doesn't want to drink. He wants to start going to church again, do readings with me, not spend time with that friend.
Well, I am a wreck this week. He's proven that I can't trust him. I'd ask him to leave, but we've got 2 children and I couldn't do that to them just before Christmas.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through the whole Christmas thing. If he does move out, that's another problem because I don't make enough money to be able to support the kids.
Alcohol isn't his only problem. He is actively addicted to codeine pills and last winter was smoking marijuana. When I confronted him about the dope, he quit, but that's when the drinking started.
To top it all off, his job is working in a drug/alcohol rehab. I'm terrified he's going to lose his job, or lose his license.
I just don't know what to do--I feel like I'm going to go crazy.
sorry this is so long
((((((allikat))))))
I can only imagine how you feel.Remember one thing you are not alone in your suffering..we have all been there also.I know that "This too shall pass". As hard as it may sound we have no control whatsoever over alcohol,and never will.It goes the same thing with pills,and drugs.I learned the hard way.I threatened the alcoholic,and thought they didn't love me.It was not right to do either.They are ill.we are sick as well.Lets focus on you getting better.Your husband will come around when he hits rock bottom.This may take awhile,but have faith.
lauren~
I agree with Kathy. This is a progressive disease and if your husband isn't getting help he will only get worse. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I worked in a detox and one of the counselors told me that he couldn't take credit for a clients success because that meant he had to take the blame for a relapse. I didn't fully understand what he meant at the time, but do now. If your husband works in a detox/rehab he knows what he has to do and understands the consequences.
Whether you leave or not is your choice. You have to make the decision based on your feelings and circumstances. Don't make a decision while upset and worried. Take time to think about things and go to meetins. I have even gone to many AA/NA meetings so I would have a better understanding. Read some literature. Take care of yourself. You don't have to make a decision before the holidays if you don't want to. How old are your children? Are they old enough that you could talk to them about what's going on?
We are here for you and I hope you keep coming back.
Hi allikat,
I know where you are with your husband. Mine is doing something similar but no alcohol. It just says it all about the disease of alcoholism. We are powerless. Also, what I have learned is that they cure one addiction with another addiction. This is really where we need to focus on ourselves and not be pulled into the whirlwind with them.
As for Christmas and the kids, I have put on my happy face for my kids in the past. It is only one holiday. Do your best and take care of yourself. You can do this. Are you going to meetings? Keep coming back to the board.
In support,
Nancy