Well, I've been isolating myself and of course as all relapses occur I just went into a downward spiral. Depression has seemed to have gotten the best of me and as a result I have gone back to behaviors that I shouldn't. Found myself on Saturday in a fetal position on the couch in my pyjamas all day and to top it off I decided to further torture myself by watching Terms of Endearment! (I lost my mom 7 yrs ago to cancer...that movie is like I death sentence for me) Called my A a million times crying, fight on top of fight. Nothing that makes the pain any less. Why? I guess the holidays are starting to get to me, this weekend I was not at all busy and had a lot of time to "think" about things. It's terribly lonely here, and although I do not want to relive the pain of living with an active A I am having a hard time being alone right now. I've "filled in the gaps" so to speak in a vengeful way against my husband's indiscretions and it has only served to make me feel worse. So, in a nutshell, I haven't been good and haven't been doing what I need to.

I am sorry...

Yea the holidays can be rough...I also know about depression relapses I get them often.I wish I can go there and make everything better.I am here if you ever need to vent.

 

Lauren~

Hi Kim,

I'm glad you decided to reach out today and share.  We all go thru the same things.......when we get down we tend to isolate and not work our program and these are two of the worst things we can do to ourselves.  Some suggestions.......if at all possible go to a face to face meeting.  Not only will you reap the benefits of personal ES&H but it will also help with your loneliness.  I've found that people at meetings are so genuinely (sp?) concerned for one another that being at one regardless of the topic is an uplifting experience.  Exchange phone numbers and then go ahead and call someone.  Make new friends.  It all beings with us reaching out.  The support is there but it won't come to us all by itself.  Also of course read literature if you have some, the daily readings, program books etc.  These things will all help you get yourself into a much better frame of mind.  The holidays do tend to be hard when we feel our lives aren't where we wished they were.  But that's ok.......we don't have to wait until our lives are *perfect* to feel happy.  We can choose to allow ourselves to be happy.  Hope you continue to share.

hi Kim

 

(((Kim)))

I am sorry for your relaspe.

I too lost my mother to cancer. It was 6 years ago and I still miss her.

I sure wish she was alive to see the progress that I have made in my life.

Your mom is allways there in your heart for you.

I know this can be a difficult time of the year.

I left my husband in may and this will be my first christmas without him.

But I am no longer alone, I have my MIP friends, my f2f friends, my family and my HP whom I call God.

Please keep reaching out. I feel so much better when I can let my feelings out and get support.

(((((Kim))))

"It's terribly lonely here, and although I do not want to relive the pain of living with an active A I am having a hard time being alone right now"

Nice to see you're back.  I found this wonderful program when I was 18, stayed with it about a year & a half - figured I knew it all & didn't have any need for it any further.

Jump to ten years later... naturally I married an addict, I'm ACOA & OCD - divorced now for over 5 years.  Mom's been married to an A sfor 26 years & addictions & abuse of every sort run rampant in my family tree/history.

My all time low was a second suicide attempt this passed March.

Hardly a day has gone by since I found this amazing site/Board 7-25-05 after finding out my step-father has been cheatting on my precious mother for over 15 years now...  backed into a corner an addict only gives you a 1/3rd, I'm sure it is much worse.  Has admitted to prostitutes, gambling, you name it.

I don't feel alone with this fellowship, I try to make the nightly meetings or at the very least hit the Boards daily.

Welcome back, I find new names constantly here, the chat room is busy 24/7 or PM me anytime (((( cyber hugs))))) you are not alone!

Unfortunately I can't come to the mtg tonight (as I would like) but will pop into the chat room later tonight...   take care of yourself, be gentle & be kind to yourself.  Do something for you!

love, -Kitty Light

I am sorry ((((((kim))))) hang in there sweetie!! I too lost my mom to this horrible dieases called Alcohol 5 years this comming may.... I miss her too but I know she would be proud of all the positive progress I have made in my life and didn't choose to take the same road she did!!! I too have battled with depression and I know what you are going through! Just keep in mind "easy does it " and Keep it Simple" and "one day at a time"! With lots of love Bubbles123

Thank you all for your support.  After not hearing from me for a while a member of this board reached out to me and it was like a light that shone down!  I am feeling a bit better today and was able to hold some solid ground with my A for the first time in a few days.  My boundaries have still been firm although I have been in the midst of the depression.  I am so thankful for you all.  It is truyl a blessing in life that I found this board. I am trying to the best of my ability to get back on track..I had felt so strong and good there for a while and boom!  one day your hitting th skids....and it seems without posting or meetings I find myself not able to get out of my own way. Not working the program I feel out of control and sick. I don't want to feel that way.  It is the times I have to say that  I most identify with A's.  Thanks again everyone.

Kim,

I look at little lapses as a chance to learn from them.  We don't have to be perfect.  The holidays are a very difficult time for many of us.  It hurts to feel alone and lonely, but we are here for you.  By sticking to your boundaries, you will not have far to bounce back from.  you are doing great.  Take these times as lessons to be learned from.  I felt so down a couple of months ago that I thought suicide was a luxury, fortunately one I couldn't afford.  It will get better.  We are here when you need us.

I am so sorry that you are going thru this right now...it is so hard I know...I lost my mom too, a few yrs ago..and I miss having her to talk to..she was my best friend , and anytime I was feeling down..just the sound of her voice could sooth me..and she was the only person who could do that...she used to send me boxes of goodies at christmas..and I sure knew I would miss those, someday, and I do...I still look for her card, or if the UPS truck slows down..Im thinking its for me..but those days are gone.

HUGS to you, I certainly understand being alone. I feel very lonely in my feelings at holiday time...it hurts too much. Missing my family members who have gone on is the worst imaginable...but the good news is, it doesn't last forever. I have changed, and it is a different place I'm in now. I don't feel like being happy much. I lived with As in my life , and now most are gone. But some of the feelings remain, and I have to detach myself from them and go on. Mom would want that for me, I know. well, take care, love you, and hoping you feel better soon..((((hugs)))