Hello Group

Last night my a and I started working on the book that our therapist suggested.  We were only supposed to get together on it for 15-20 minutes, but it dragged on because I wanted to share with him the skills I have been working on for parenting.  So, before we even start he smokes pot and gets high.  I asked him nicely to wait until we were done, and he said it doesn't affect me that way, I can still listen to you.  Well, he was really quiet and did not have much to say about anything.  He and I are still not on the same page with parenting, but he is starting to see that our children are becoming more aggressive with each other and us.  I have really been working on one day at a time... because I know I can't handle more than that.  I feel really frustrated with the "a" about getting high last night.  I mean the message it sent to me was, I can't deal with this self help stuff unless I'm high as a kite.  I didn't make a big deal about it because it would just start a screaming match, so I just let it go and went ahead with reading from the book.  I feel like I'm wasting time and money if he's going to use while we're supposed to try and learn these things.  I guess the good thing is that I'm learning the skills even if he isn't.  I get very overwhelmed thinking about all the issues we have to work on.  So one day at a time, the kids are responding better to the alternatives I'm using as oppossed to screaming and spanking.

  I feel like I'm constantly monitoring his parenting trying to catch him before he loses it, and I know he must feel inadequate with me giving all these suggestions and correcting his responses.  I'm just really concerned about how the kids are responding to our fighting and his anger.  He talks back to me in such a nasty way when he doesn't like something I've said, I am starting to recognize that same talking back in the same tone from my kids.  I just can't accept that behavior, except he doesn't care if I can accept it or not.  He feels he can say whatever he wants whenever he wants.  I'm really struggling with letting go of this; when it happens I respond by correcting him or getting angry and saying something sarcastic back. 

I wish this could be easier.... Thanks for listening.

 

hi twinmom

i know...all you feel is like your fighting a losing battle.

your frustrated at your "A" and your worried about your kids....

its not easy trying to  family life with that of an "A" s perception of the world around him.

dont be too hard on yourself twinmom.... we are all here to help and be there to listen.

lots of  rebecca xxx

Thanks I needed to hear that!! 

Is your therapist trained in addictions counselling?  It has been my experience, that any kind of counselling, whether it be books, face-to-face - is pretty much an exercise in futility when the addict is still active...... Kinda like pouring a cup of water into the ocean....

Just my opinion...

Tom

anytime he his high it is not  the authentic him, and is of no value, execept you get tp say somethings that bother and get them off your chest.   I'm not sure when any of our loved ones are sustance free?

josey

Hi twinmom

I am glad that you are learning from the therapy and picking up new skills.

At least one of you will grow and that is you.

Good work

megan

Hi Twinmom- this, too, sounds familiar. Our first meeting with a therapist my A was stoned on Ambien that he took during the day so he could just sleep and forget. You can guess that it was a really productive therapy session! but things have improved. He is seeing that he misses out on too much when he is active--so he is getting better. (but the kids are 9 and 13 now!) He was real active all through the toddler and preschool ages. I think he can now see that it might be pretty ridiculous to act like a teen when you are raising one or 2. We'll see. Keep on growing and pushing back at the same old same old. Like they say "if nothing changes, nothing changes" Jeanne

Twinmom,

My husband does nothing without smoking weed.  It's sad that the weed is something I am used to.  I hate it, but end up trying to rationalize...at least it's not crack or meth.  Sadly (on my part) he does seem to function okay while high on weed because he has been smoking an ounce a week for 17 years.  When ever we do anything he gets high first.  he tells me that he never had to deal with life or any of it's issues without the aid of marijuana so he doesn't know how. 

As far as parenting goes.  I have had to learn that letting go means respecting him to be the person he is and not trying to change him.  For me, that also means respecting him by allowing him to be the parent he is without trying to interfere.  It only created resentment between us and then he didn't want to deal with the kids on any level for fear of getting inito it with me.  If I can balance out whatever he is doing, the kids end up okay.  He and I aren't fighting so the kids have less poor behavior to mimic.  they are beginning to change their behavior and I would like to think it is because I am modeling patience, respect, compassion, setting boundaries and trying to get them to understand addiction without sounding judgemental of addicts, especially their father and uncles.

Chances are, when your husband sees that what you are doing works with them, he will begin to change his parenting.  My children mind their birth father because they fear him, but have been disrespectful toward my husband because I have been. They know that neither are father of the year, but respect both of them and know that both try as hard as they hard in their individual ways. Our therapist said to ditch the couples therapy because with my husband's addiction being active, it was a waste of time.  You never know what he may pick up put of it.  It's a chance to ahve your feelings validated and even if your husband only picks up one new skill or betters one skill, that's an improvement.

You are doing great.  You are growing stronger each day and it sounds as if your focus is where it needs to be.

Hi Twin,

I find it admirable that you are taking the time to do this, as I know first hand how hectic life can be with twins!

I agree wholeheartedly with what you said.......regardless if he's actually absorbing what you're working on or not, YOU are so therefore YOU are gaining the parenting skills you are striving for. 

You're taking care of yourself and your needs.  Way to go!

Ummmmmm, you do realize this means you're working your program probably without even realizing it don't ya??  Good job.