My husband has been very good. I have been thinking about letting him take the car out and drive it again. Since he is doing so good. Well I talked about it with a couple of people and they have remind me the reason why I took the key in the first place. I have told my self that had a good reason at that time and I need to respect my desicion I have made. I am getting to soft. Well he told me he wanted to go to his friends house so I told him I would drive him there if he liked and pick him up. I went to visit my sister that isn't that far. I had ask to go in the house with him and his friend but he turned me down. So that made me wonder what they were doing. However I didn't make a big deal about it. Then we went shopping an he brought up then he is working his 90 days he says. I really have not been keeping track but I don't think he is doing it. He is doing it without aa so he is not going to make, speical if he is hanging out with those people that are bad news. So he thinks in 90 days that I am going to be co-signing the loan to buy a car. Which I don't want to do. If he gets into an accident due to drugs or drinking he has nothing they can take so they will go after my money.I had slip up awhile ago and told him if he reach 90 days i would co-sign. I think he has slip a couple of times but know he is going to be sneaky and not let me go into his friends house because they are smoking pot or drinking. I of course can't prove it.
-- Edited by nycbt at 11:22, 2005-12-13
Christy said
Dec 13, 2005
((NY))
I'm sure YOU meant 90 days in AA or recovery program right?
Even if you did slip up and say in 90 days you will sign...you have reasonable doubt and have the right to change your mind :)
Just remember, one slip and a drunk driving accident or dui will leave you paying for the car if you co-sign..
You're doing great!!
Christy
nycbt said
Dec 13, 2005
Yes Christy I meant 90 days in AA not just 90 days. Which I don't think at this moment he has even made 30 days. But I don't want to tell him that he has slip because then it will lead to an aruguement and I don't like to agrue he gets really mean an pushs my buttons. So I feel stuck.
cdb said
Dec 13, 2005
Hello nycbt,
I remember offering my daughter something (to cancel out her loans to us) if she quit smoking. Well, of course she couldn't do it. What was I thinking? Whose program/problem did that make it when I offered that? They have to do things for them I have learned and just to save themselves. When she quit using and drinking , she started smoking more. How could I put that pressure on her? She is over 18 now and is an adult and makes her own choices. I can't take back that I made that offer but she and I never discussed what I offered ever again. I just let her tell me how hard it is for her to stop smoking right now and I see how she really tries to cut back and stop. WE can say we make mistakes and apologize and say why. We are only human. If they get mad, so be it. Connect with your HP/higher power and search within yourself how you want to resolve this. Wishing you all the best. cdb :)
Powerless said
Dec 13, 2005
Is it possible to tell him that you've thought about it and don't feel comfortable co-signing for the loan. Of course it's possible, but do you feel comfortable doing that? I have found with my husband that I know him better than anyone, probably even better than he knows himself. When I get that little niggle that something isn't right...I'm usually right. In fact, I don't ever remember being wrong.
nycbt said
Dec 13, 2005
Your both right. It is hard for them to stop. I had the feeling he was doing something and I have to go with it. Even when I don't want to. He is going to get angry but I still have everything. If I co-sign which he wants me to do I could lose all the savings I have earned in my whole life I don't have alot of money to start two start with. However like some one who projects I am worried about all the worse out comes. I don't know how I can break it to him nicely without getting in a fight. Any suggestions how to put it nicely?
cdb said
Dec 13, 2005
We co-signed some of our daughter's college loans and we are going to have to pay! She is clean and sober but one day at a time. She is not repsonsible enough to make payments on time so for our credit record, we will have to make the payments :( We wish now we would have had the courage back then to say NO.
I have had a change of thinking and decided that co-signing for a car is not what I am going to do.
In alanon we work our program and let our loved ones work their program. It was wrong of me to say I would co-sign a loan. I am not going to do this anymore. I will however, help us save money together to buy something affordable with cash.
I made a mistake by saying I would co-sign a loan for a car. I apologize for saying I would. Let's work together and figure out how we can get one by paying cash and keeping it in your name.
I am not going to co-sign a loan for a car anymore. It just isn't the right thing to do for me. Maybe there is someone else in the family that is willing to help you out with that?
Just thinking out loud nycbt. If he argues, just repeat what you say or walk away. Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. These are just suggestions. Keep us updated, cdb :)
nycbt said
Dec 13, 2005
Thank you cdb i like the statements you have made that has help alot. I like the idea about changing my mind. I am trying to stick to my gun I told him why doesn't his friend who he is always going over too help. His son who wants to drive so bad why not him. Well his son is working, but his son has seizures but has a license. I don't want my name any where near it. About helping him save that is something I am not going to do I want him to buy it himself I know that seems mean but I don't have alot of money he gets paid under the table. He wants to drive bad enough then he should by it. I guess that sounds mean.
marmare said
Dec 13, 2005
(((((((nycbt)))))))
I love to read your postings, I am taking all my postings and logging them into a word document so I can watch my own growth, you are showing so many changes, it is so encourging to watch. My A is also working "his own" program, today is day 30. He is not going to treatment or meetings, I can only hope each day he learns something to help him in the world. I have asked my HP to heal him and to help him heal from the pain of losing his son. I believe in miracles and watch as each day my A reaches out more and more to me and my boys. He also hangs out with the "party crowd" but not like before. He is trying hard to do what he says he is going to do. He has even become throughtful on a more regular basis. I find that I want to drop some boundaries but then remind myself that is how I allowed myself to become so codependent in the first place. We truely teach people how they can treat us and I have decided I don't ever want to go back to where I came from 18 months ago. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
nycbt said
Dec 13, 2005
Thanks Marmare your right I have come along way. I do that I collect my post and put them in a document. Then the med doctor I go to can see my progress as well as me.
megan said
Dec 13, 2005
Hi Becky
I don't think it is mean to want him to buy his own car.
It is self-protective which alanon teaches us to do.
Helping him buy the car, besides being a huge liability would probably enable him to get to the bar easier.
You are getting much smarter my firend and much much stronger!
Good work!
Megan
nycbt said
Dec 13, 2005
Thanks to you Megan an everyone else in the program I have been able to get stronger.
jrtjosey said
Dec 13, 2005
great boundaries!!!
josey
hudsond said
Dec 13, 2005
Like you I love my husband very much. There was a time (not too long ago I might add) that I wanted to "reward" my husband when he was doing good--you know to encourage him to "keep it up". He is trying now and he does relatively well, but he has had slips. But because he had bad credit to begin with and of my rewarding his behavior I am now in debt way over my head. Nothing is in his name, both cars, the 4 wheeler, countless credit cards (of which we lived on when he was contributing nothing towards our living)--I am in deep trouble if he ever truly goes on a binge again, because there is no way I could make it now without his help. While you hope that doesn't happen you just never know.
How to tell him you changed your mind without it causing a fight I don't know! I wish there was an easy answer!
Just talk to your Hp before you talk to your husband and maybe things will go smoother.
Just my thoughts.
Dawn
tea2 said
Dec 13, 2005
(((nycbt)))
There's not much more I can add that others haven't already said. Boundaries are hard and needed -you are human with a heart. Please go easy on you during this difficult time. Lots of well wishes, Tracey
My husband has been very good. I have been thinking about letting him take the car out and drive it again. Since he is doing so good. Well I talked about it with a couple of people and they have remind me the reason why I took the key in the first place. I have told my self that had a good reason at that time and I need to respect my desicion I have made. I am getting to soft. Well he told me he wanted to go to his friends house so I told him I would drive him there if he liked and pick him up. I went to visit my sister that isn't that far. I had ask to go in the house with him and his friend but he turned me down. So that made me wonder what they were doing. However I didn't make a big deal about it. Then we went shopping an he brought up then he is working his 90 days he says. I really have not been keeping track but I don't think he is doing it. He is doing it without aa so he is not going to make, speical if he is hanging out with those people that are bad news. So he thinks in 90 days that I am going to be co-signing the loan to buy a car. Which I don't want to do. If he gets into an accident due to drugs or drinking he has nothing they can take so they will go after my money.I had slip up awhile ago and told him if he reach 90 days i would co-sign. I think he has slip a couple of times but know he is going to be sneaky and not let me go into his friends house because they are smoking pot or drinking. I of course can't prove it.
-- Edited by nycbt at 11:22, 2005-12-13
Hello nycbt,
I remember offering my daughter something (to cancel out her loans to us) if she quit smoking. Well, of course she couldn't do it. What was I thinking? Whose program/problem did that make it when I offered that? They have to do things for them I have learned and just to save themselves. When she quit using and drinking , she started smoking more. How could I put that pressure on her? She is over 18 now and is an adult and makes her own choices. I can't take back that I made that offer but she and I never discussed what I offered ever again. I just let her tell me how hard it is for her to stop smoking right now and I see how she really tries to cut back and stop. WE can say we make mistakes and apologize and say why. We are only human. If they get mad, so be it. Connect with your HP/higher power and search within yourself how you want to resolve this. Wishing you all the best. cdb :)
We co-signed some of our daughter's college loans and we are going to have to pay! She is clean and sober but one day at a time. She is not repsonsible enough to make payments on time so for our credit record, we will have to make the payments :( We wish now we would have had the courage back then to say NO.
I have had a change of thinking and decided that co-signing for a car is not what I am going to do.
In alanon we work our program and let our loved ones work their program. It was wrong of me to say I would co-sign a loan. I am not going to do this anymore. I will however, help us save money together to buy something affordable with cash.
I made a mistake by saying I would co-sign a loan for a car. I apologize for saying I would. Let's work together and figure out how we can get one by paying cash and keeping it in your name.
I am not going to co-sign a loan for a car anymore. It just isn't the right thing to do for me. Maybe there is someone else in the family that is willing to help you out with that?
Just thinking out loud nycbt. If he argues, just repeat what you say or walk away. Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. These are just suggestions. Keep us updated, cdb :)
(((((((nycbt)))))))
I love to read your postings, I am taking all my postings and logging them into a word document so I can watch my own growth, you are showing so many changes, it is so encourging to watch. My A is also working "his own" program, today is day 30. He is not going to treatment or meetings, I can only hope each day he learns something to help him in the world. I have asked my HP to heal him and to help him heal from the pain of losing his son. I believe in miracles and watch as each day my A reaches out more and more to me and my boys. He also hangs out with the "party crowd" but not like before. He is trying hard to do what he says he is going to do. He has even become throughtful on a more regular basis. I find that I want to drop some boundaries but then remind myself that is how I allowed myself to become so codependent in the first place. We truely teach people how they can treat us and I have decided I don't ever want to go back to where I came from 18 months ago. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
Hi Becky
I don't think it is mean to want him to buy his own car.
It is self-protective which alanon teaches us to do.
Helping him buy the car, besides being a huge liability would probably enable him to get to the bar easier.
You are getting much smarter my firend and much much stronger!
Good work!
Megan
great boundaries!!!
josey
Like you I love my husband very much. There was a time (not too long ago I might add) that I wanted to "reward" my husband when he was doing good--you know to encourage him to "keep it up". He is trying now and he does relatively well, but he has had slips. But because he had bad credit to begin with and of my rewarding his behavior I am now in debt way over my head. Nothing is in his name, both cars, the 4 wheeler, countless credit cards (of which we lived on when he was contributing nothing towards our living)--I am in deep trouble if he ever truly goes on a binge again, because there is no way I could make it now without his help. While you hope that doesn't happen you just never know.
How to tell him you changed your mind without it causing a fight I don't know! I wish there was an easy answer!
Just talk to your Hp before you talk to your husband and maybe things will go smoother.
Just my thoughts.
Dawn
(((nycbt)))
There's not much more I can add that others haven't already said. Boundaries are hard and needed -you are human with a heart. Please go easy on you during this difficult time. Lots of well wishes, Tracey