Well, the infamous captcodee is feeling like crap!

I am tired.

I am mad.

I am playing emotional games with myself that are causing me trouble in all areas of my life.  I am upset with myself for getting upset with myself.

I tried to take it easy last night, as I can feel this bubble of irrational depression coming up getting ready to burst.  I went home from work and told my husband that I just needed some time off, I would appreciate it if he could hold the fort so I could chill.  I was open and honest, and laid my expectations on the line.

He came into the bedroom and laid with me and my daughter, and fell asleep.

I discovered he was burning out from his high.

I am such a strong woman, full of rage.  Not rage that my husband is an addict, I have come to realize that, but I am mad that God keeps testing me like this.  I feel that I am doing right by God, and he is not helping me out at all.  I never ask for a repreive, EVER.  I am always the first out of bed, and the last in. I am patient, kind, and always offering the best that I can.

I am pissed off that nobody can care for the caretaker when the caretaker is down.  I can't even take a break cause....

I can't even take a break because my expectations of perfection are too high.  I can't take a break cause I don't think my husband can do as good of a job raising the kids for 3 hours...

I hate me right now.  I just hate me. 

Okay, I just had a revelation....

I expect my husband to love me anyways.  I expect him to be the only person in the world who will love me through all my faults...

But do I do that for myself?

I am the same as the alcoholic.  When I can't love, it is because I am not loving myself.  WHen I start to beat other people up, it is because I am beating myself up.

I have got to start being kinder to my own thoughts.  I am a good person, who has some down times.  I need to love MYSELF anyways...

Well, thanks for letting me ramble myself back to serenity

Aron

(((((((((((ARON)))))))))))

Oh, this is one of those times when I wish I could crawl through the computer screen and just give ya a big old hug! I have been were you have.

I have three young ones myself. My oldest is 6, my middle daughter is 3 and my youngest is 2. I have struggled with leaving my kids alone with my "A" for years. Especially when they were infants. But I had to accept the fact that he was there father to and that if I didn't leave, then I was not taking care of me, not meeting my needs. Then I was cranky and resentful, and I hated being her.

I started off in baby steps, I would run to the grocery store alone that takes about 45 minutes to and hour. After I felt comfortable with that, I added Wal-Mart to my route. This added another 30 minutes to an hour to my trip. And so on. I help get the kids ready for bed before I head out to a F2F. Then all he has to do is get them to bed. Sometimes I even do that before I go.

I also have learned to trust my HP to watch my kids while I am gone, when it was hard to trust my "A", I would trust my HP. When the "A" is sober, I still had a hard time trusting him. But my HP never let me down. LOL, the worst that has happened is that the kids don't eat what I would have fixed them. And they ate more sweets than I would have given them. Stayed up later than I would have let them stay up.

I know not all situations are the same, but I would suggest baby steps. Do what you feel comfortable doing. You need to do stuff for you!

Much Love, 

Hehe Aron,

Your revelation came as I was posting my reply to your first post. So glad that you are feeling better.

Your share shows great insight to yourself.

Thanks for the share.

Much Love,

Hi I want to start off to say is that you are a good person because you are posting your feeling online to get other peoples in put which is a sign you want to get help. You are in a bad situation and you are getting angry, which I would be too.

I noticed everyone had a response of shared feelings of leaving children with the "A", but no one addressed the anger toward God.  Is it okay to be angry with God?  I always try to push that feeling away because it scares me.  If I am angry with him, maybe something worse will happen.  I get angry because I feel like my prayers go unanswered of unheard.  I am angry that only he has the power to handle this addiction and he doesn't appear to want any part of it.

Hello captcodee,

((((((((((supportive hugs)))))))))) I just love how you post and then reply to yourself :) My type of woman! :)  The one word that hit me in your post that I am having problems with too is Expectations. I am not even going to try and squeeze through my monitor, but wish I could give you a real hug in person too :) Remember your birthday? Well, keep on doing things to take care of you everyday. Know that you may need a babysitter or a plan to have a friend have your kids over for an hour, then have that relaxing time or sleep. Don't have expecations of your husband helping out etc. and if he is clean and sober and helps out, well I consider that a gift. I wanted so much for mine to do something special for my 50th Birthday. I didn't expecat anything. He got me a very warm/loving card and that was it. grrrrrrr is what I felt. He did take me out to eat too :)But, hey, that was the best he could do at the time considering the marriage has been so rocky. And the card was from the heart. Back to taking care of us. Isn't it sort of like being a single parent?  I think you are doing great at your parenting skills :) I try to parent myself too and nurture me too. You have done it before and you can do it again! You are loved and appreciated by so many here! Remember that at the low times. And your kids love you more than they can love anyone else in their life! Glad to see you reaching out and getting those feelings out. You are a great friend! (((((((((captcodee)))))) cdb xoxoxoxo

((((((((((Aron))))))))), You know why it's easier to take care of others than ourselves? Because we can't look inward all the time. Especially for women society has placed this role upon us that we will always be the caretakers. It's part of many cultures. I'm not stereotyping. I'm saying this as someone who has a background in Cultural Anthrpology. Having said, I'm glad you reposted. Sometimes it takes us writing things down for us to realize what we are doing to ourselves. I'm a great fan of journally in whatever method you choose. It allows us to go back and see where we've been and where we want to go. As for being mad at God. That's a tough one. I too get tired of being "tested" after all these years. But a part of me has to believe that there is a plan for me in all of this. What? When? Who knows? Doesn't necessary make me feel better at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things there has to be a reason for all of this. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. You can get through this. We're here for you. Live strong, Karilynn

you said nobody can take care of the caretaker. thats where you are wrong. you can take care of yourself. also think about those that do help you in the little ways. the ones you dont notice. someone that holds a door for you. your children picking up after themselves. someone that lets you in the turning lane during rush hour traffic. there is always someone helping you out in someway although it may not be the person you are giving to. tc of yourself, my prayers are with you.

It is ok to share your feeling with God, he knows it is  frustration.  Getting your feelings out is the important thing.  You can ask for forgiveness later and all will be well with God.

josey

I read and didn't have time to reply before. I reread it now and one thing came to mind. HALT You've already confirmed angry and tired. I also know that when things get like this, when the caretaker in me has no more left in him.......I also feel lonely. I feel like I'm on an island where nobody else cares. Well at least nobody in my house. I wake the kids up, I'm late for work (even tho working at home) because they don't get their butts in gear, I make dinner, I shop, I do the majority of dishes, my A says she can't drive after dark which conviniently fits her consumption schedule, so I'm the kids taxi......and I hold down a full time job. Sometimes I think I might as well be a single dad. I'd have less medical bills, less food bills and I wouldn't have someone undermining every parental decision I make to, to encourage my children to become productive, healthy adults. I slip too. I get angry. Thanks to the program, it passes a little quicker. I don't build up too many future resentments anymore. I say "no" much more often. My A is still pissin and moaning that I'm negative all the time. She is right I am too often lately. I do have to snap out of it. I can't let everyone else dictate my mood. I've had some days where I was in a good mood and felt myself slpping and I had to literally tell myself...."I'm not letting anyone else control my mood". Easy on yourself, take care of yourself ! Be the Capt of Aron. :) Bob

I was terrible this morning, but now feel much better!!

I am so glad that you don't judge me for being angry,

that you all lovingly say that it is okay

I have arrested the "Hungry"

and kept "tired" at bay

But as you say to me today

being this way, it's okay!

Well, I tried the poetic part...LOL

I went for a walk today at lunch (well, I parked miles away from the door at the mall...LOL), and what a difference it made.  I was so angry still, and I walked HARD cause I was mad that I couldn't park closer. 

When I was on my way back to my car, I had a revelation.  I needed to walk, I needed to cleanse the soul of all the bad shit that is making me CRAZY!!

I thought I was taking care of myself, but really I wasn't.  I needed to do alot more than just lie in bed feeling sorry for myself.  I called an old friend today, and got myself committed to re-join something that I had been very active in for several years before my husband and I got back together....

Enough of being what I THINK i am supposed to be.

Time to be what I WANT to be...

Thanks again all.  I love this place!!

Aron

((((Aron))))

Wow you have put into words what I'm too tired to say because I'm working on little sleep and lots of stress.  I too am guilty of not giving myself a repreive when I know I really need it.  I don't always want to leave the kids with the "a" either because I don't always like the way he does things.  I haven't learned to let go and allow the kids to have fun with their Dad.  It pisses me off too that I'm the responsible one sticking to the routine and doing all the little things that need to get done, and he just does what he feels like doing.  Lately, he's been on a cleaning kick, but then I can't find anything. 

Tell you what... I'm tired as all get out, but maybe what I need too is a night off and to hell with the dishes and brushing the teeth and all the stuff that I do for one night.  You've inspired me to go out even if its just for a cup of coffee and read a book quietly!!

Do something for you too!!  You deserve it

Twinmom~