I've been trying to stay "clear," but as time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that I have given away my ownership of my emotions and every aspect of my life.
When I was ready to face that my husband had started using, I made up my mind to fight for the business that I had started (he joined me at work in the business after he became clean, but it was my "baby" and a big creative effort of mine, for over 14 years). I was going to fight to keep the home that I loved. His harassment, stalking, financial disasters and verbal / emotional abuse, drove me to make the decision to walk away from both of those things. That decision is irreversable at this point.
Now he has finally decided to admit to his "slip." It started 2 years ago, according to him. The entire time, he has been venomous towards me and our daughter for "accusing" him, a rage-man, and extremely blaming of me for the failure of our marriage, often citing my lack of physical affection. I KNEW he wasn't clean. I withdrew. But I still absorbed the blame.
I asked him to leave in August and filed for divorce in October. Now that he has 7 days clean and sober (according to him), he wants to get back together. It is like he has awakened from a troubling dream, or got something that was bugging him out of his system. He has NO CLUE that I have been trashed by the terrible situation. Our life as we knew it is in ruins. HE is in Europe, calling me asking to work it out.
I am not going to be working it out with him. I am still upset with myself for being emotionally at his whim, though. It is like the cycle of abuse, but without the beating - and this is the part where he gives me flowers with tears.
Thanks for your support. I'm looking forward to having some support to share with others soon.
bobump said
Dec 13, 2005
Phoebe,
Don't be so hard on yourself. Most of us (if not all) have gotten sucked into the disease. Your awareness of that now is one of the first steps to your ability to change it.
I understand your feelings of not wanting to work it out. I'm contemplating filing papers myself. I have a feeling that if I do, my A might hit a bottom and then try to reverse everything. The problem is....if I get to the point where I file, for me there is no turning back. Heck it's entirely possible that filing could cause my A do fall further. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what my A will do or not do. I must act in the best interest of myself and my children.
Sounds like you are doing that now. Give yourself credit for that.
Bob
Powerless said
Dec 13, 2005
When I left my husband I had hoped that it would open his eyes and make him realize what he was doing. He assured me that losing me and all three of the kids had opened his eyes an dhe gave me all of the promises that comes with the situation. I allowed myself to be sucked in again. When I returned home, he had sold the washer dryer, fridge and living room furniture I had just bought a few months before. he had also sold a DVD player and Playstation II. He told me he had to sell everything to pay the bills. The day after I returned home I started receiving cut off notices for all of the utilities. The phone and cable had already been turned off. He used my leaving as his rationalization to really use hard. Now that I am home, he can't stop. He has spent every penny on crack. I have gotten the bills caught up, but told him it's up to him to keep them that way. He was starting to hit bottom and me coming home intervened. I should have stayed away and let him hit bottom so maybe he would be closer to getting help. Me coming home may have prevented that from happening. His mother and I have been disussing me putting him out and if he choses to use because of it, that is his choice and maybe he will finally hit his bottom. Even if he doesn't stop or something good or bad happens to him, at least me and my kids would not be in the middle.
megan said
Dec 13, 2005
Hi
I left my husband in May and filed for divorce in August.
He wants to get back together.
He says he is not drinking, he says he has been offered 3 jobs, he says he loves me, he says he wants to buy a townhouse together, he says our marriage was perfect. ON and ON and on.
Reality? He is still drinkng and even though yes, he has gotten sober for a few weeks at a time since I left (He blames me for ruining his drinking career and now he will have to sober up and get a job with benefits) he is not in recovery. He is not changing.
And, by the grace of God and the alanon program I am changing.
I am less needy of the company of someone who because of his addiction, is unable to fill my needs.
Keep working your program and stay strong
in support
megan
phoebemoonpie said
Dec 13, 2005
Thank you all.
Megan, I read a post of yours yesterday and your current situation made me think of mine.
I am so sick of the "disease." It ruled my childhood, then I became a drug addict myself. I conquered that and felt like I was long on the road away from this particular sickness - but look! Not only has it decimated my life again, now I am looking at the fact that we raised our only child in a house of addiction in spite of everything.
I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
megan said
Dec 13, 2005
Hi Phoebe
I am sick of the disease too.
I wish it could be eradicated. I would like to see the day when addiction is gone or treatable by getting a vaccine or something
You did the best that you could.
I have been told "You didn't know what you didn't know."
This is so very useful when I start down the road of jumping on myself for something I did in the past.
In support and recovery
megan
cdb said
Dec 13, 2005
Hello phoebe,
The alcoholic in my life is my daughter. My heart does go out to you. IT sounds like you know what you want. Connect with your HP/higher power and search for the answers in you. I am glad there are people here who have similiar situations to share with you. I have learned though that if we do not change ourselves, we tend to pick the same kind of person again even though we think we aren't. Work on you and change you too. Wishing you all the best. ((((((((phoebe))))) keep us updated. cdb :)
Hi,
I'm very grateful to have found this forum.
I've posted before about my situation.
I've been trying to stay "clear," but as time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that I have given away my ownership of my emotions and every aspect of my life.
When I was ready to face that my husband had started using, I made up my mind to fight for the business that I had started (he joined me at work in the business after he became clean, but it was my "baby" and a big creative effort of mine, for over 14 years). I was going to fight to keep the home that I loved. His harassment, stalking, financial disasters and verbal / emotional abuse, drove me to make the decision to walk away from both of those things. That decision is irreversable at this point.
Now he has finally decided to admit to his "slip." It started 2 years ago, according to him. The entire time, he has been venomous towards me and our daughter for "accusing" him, a rage-man, and extremely blaming of me for the failure of our marriage, often citing my lack of physical affection. I KNEW he wasn't clean. I withdrew. But I still absorbed the blame.
I asked him to leave in August and filed for divorce in October. Now that he has 7 days clean and sober (according to him), he wants to get back together. It is like he has awakened from a troubling dream, or got something that was bugging him out of his system. He has NO CLUE that I have been trashed by the terrible situation. Our life as we knew it is in ruins. HE is in Europe, calling me asking to work it out.
I am not going to be working it out with him. I am still upset with myself for being emotionally at his whim, though. It is like the cycle of abuse, but without the beating - and this is the part where he gives me flowers with tears.
Thanks for your support. I'm looking forward to having some support to share with others soon.
Hi
I left my husband in May and filed for divorce in August.
He wants to get back together.
He says he is not drinking, he says he has been offered 3 jobs, he says he loves me, he says he wants to buy a townhouse together, he says our marriage was perfect. ON and ON and on.
Reality? He is still drinkng and even though yes, he has gotten sober for a few weeks at a time since I left (He blames me for ruining his drinking career and now he will have to sober up and get a job with benefits) he is not in recovery. He is not changing.
And, by the grace of God and the alanon program I am changing.
I am less needy of the company of someone who because of his addiction, is unable to fill my needs.
Keep working your program and stay strong
in support
megan
Thank you all.
Megan, I read a post of yours yesterday and your current situation made me think of mine.
I am so sick of the "disease." It ruled my childhood, then I became a drug addict myself. I conquered that and felt like I was long on the road away from this particular sickness - but look! Not only has it decimated my life again, now I am looking at the fact that we raised our only child in a house of addiction in spite of everything.
I HATE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
Hi Phoebe
I am sick of the disease too.
I wish it could be eradicated. I would like to see the day when addiction is gone or treatable by getting a vaccine or something
You did the best that you could.
I have been told "You didn't know what you didn't know."
This is so very useful when I start down the road of jumping on myself for something I did in the past.
In support and recovery
megan
Hello phoebe,
The alcoholic in my life is my daughter. My heart does go out to you. IT sounds like you know what you want. Connect with your HP/higher power and search for the answers in you. I am glad there are people here who have similiar situations to share with you. I have learned though that if we do not change ourselves, we tend to pick the same kind of person again even though we think we aren't. Work on you and change you too. Wishing you all the best. ((((((((phoebe))))) keep us updated. cdb :)