As I said before, I have just started the process of living my life despite being married to an alcoholic. I have a few more questions...but I need to give you a little more background. I have a chronic illness that prevents me from working and take many meds to live a semi-normal life. My husband says that I have my meds, that alcohol is his med. Says that since he has to put up with my illness, I have to put up with his. Question number 1... I do bring in SSDI which pays the rent and a couple other bills, hubby gives me his checks to pay other bills and take care of food, etc. I do not want to buy his alcohol any more. I do not want to be a part of his alcoholism anymore. I tried this before, but he said that if I wouldnt buy his "medication", he wont pay for mine. If I dont have my medication, I cant function. Do you think I am making a reasonable stance on this? Or does he have a point? Come Jan. 1st, he wont be paying for my meds at all....I will be covered under a medicare plan, and will take care of the premiums and co-pays with my SSDI. Question number 2.... I want to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with hubby about his alcoholism. I want to tell him again that I dont want to see him slowly dying, or end up with a heart attack or something because of his drinking. I want to tell him why I want him to quit...for good. We dont have any family or friends near us, so its just me. How can I make this happen without him feeling like he's being attacked? What are some good things I can say that will not make him be so defensive? I have done this before, but cant seem to do it without ending up giving an ultimatum or without him attacking me verbally. Question number 3.... How do I protect my kids through all this? They are 7 and 10 and we usually dont let them see how bad things are though they do see some of the comments that get thrown out occasionally. How do I protect them from becoming victims of his alcoholism? I believe that leaving wont do that...they will still be a part of his life, and they will spend time with him, so I cannot totally keep them away from his drinking anyway. I dont want to end this marriage...at least not without giving it one last shot. But I wont put up with the way he treats me anymore either. I hope I havent dumped too much on you's. I just have nowhere else to turn. Because of my illness, I cant go out to an al-anon meeting. Any advice from people who've been where I am is GREATLY appreciated! Thank you in advance! Hugsssssssssss....Dawn

I guess I had this all wrong. I thought al-anon was to give advice and help each other through the process of dealing with an alcoholic loved one or friend. Sorry to have bothered you all. Hugsssssssssss

welcome and nice to meet you. first things first come into the chatroom come to the meetings online. do the work of the program. educate yourself and your children about the disease, the three c's always helped me .... you didnt cause it, you cant control it , and you cant cure it. alcoholism is a disease. it is up to your hubby how he wants to treat it but here we learn to stop enabling them. for ex: stop buying his booze, if he wants it he'll find a way, and like you said your meds will soon be covered so you wont have to depend on him to get them for you. in that way he can no longer manipulate you. keep coming back you are not alone (((hugs)))

Yes, here we share what worked, (and didn't work) for us, and you can pick what seems best for you. I was like you - I always wanted to hae a 'talk' - to try to give my husband my point of view. I used to write him letters, I used to choreograph speeches, I used to try to find ways to show him how much his behaviour was hurting us all. Mostly, it didn't work very well. I think the problem was - I believed that if he only understood how much his drinking hurt me and the kids, he would stop. I was wrong. He knew all along how much it hurt us, but he COULDN'T stop, or at least he thought he couldn't. Therefore, the only way he could handle my 'talks' was to get defensive, feel like he was being attacked, and attack back as hard as he could. If he had actaully allowed himself to listen, he would have had to face up to the fact that his drinking was destroying all of our lives. He was not ready to face that, and so did everything he could to avoid hearing me. When I stopped talking to him about drinking, he actually drank a little less, and was less abusive with it. He didn't have to drink to avoid thinking about me, so he had one less demon to hide from. At alanon we say that saying something once is making your point of veiw known - saying it more than once is nagging. He knows you don't like his drinking, you don't have to tell him again. If you do feel that you need to just spell it out clearly, once and for all, it might be helpful to examine what you really expect to happen. Then taking into account the past, and what you know about his character and responses, is that outcome likely? For me, I think what I wanted was "Oh, gee honey (slaps forehead) I didn't realize. No problem, I'll stop drinking right now!" Of course, there was not a hope in hell of such a thing actually happening. Once I accepted that, life became saner. If there is no chance of getting what you want from a confrontation, why not spare averybody the pain of it, and just try something else? The best thing you can do for your kids is to remember that one sane parent is better than no sane parents. If their father is drunk, and their mother is crazy, things are not good for them. There is not much you can do about HIS behaviour, but there is lots you can do about your own. Our program seems frustrating at first to many, because we don't tell you what to do. If you take a little time, though, go to meetings, read as much as you can, some of it will click. Until then, welcome - this is a safe palce to vent - you can tell US how mad you are, saves having a fight with your husband when you tell HIM. Recovery is possible, your life can be better than it is right now.

Hello Conwolf,

It is nice meeting you :) I too have a chronic illness and am on disability. I am so happy you will have that new medication program soon! This online chat and meeting room helped me so much since it is hard for me to go to face to face meetings. Your situation sounds so overwhelming  right now. We talk about babysteps in alanon. It takes alot of courage for you to just reach out to us as we are just strangers to you now. Give us some time :) Focus on the next couple weeks until your prescription program starts and then think about what your husband has to say about the alcohol. Try to relax and enjoy each moment with your kids right now and be a calmer you for now :) NO need to make any fast decisions. Keep on posting and coming back :) cdb (((((((((((supportive hugs)))))))))

Dear Conwolf, You remind me so much of myself, when I first came to Alanon - was instantly ready to apologise for asking questions - lol, what else are we supposed to do, inhale the program? You are very welcome here, and please do not ever be afraid to ask, or say what is on your mind, or in your heart. My A is my daughter, not my spouse - so I can not be of much help, except that I thought talking to her would work - sigh, I would wait till she was sober, then try, the same old sensible talk that had never worked before, and expect it to work miracles! When she went to AA, I thought they would tell her the same, but she would listen, as it was not her mom. I was really miffed when they told her to concentrate on her own recovery. Two things I would like to share with you: 1) When I went to Alanon and worked my own program, my relationships with my two sons improved tenfold - they were so relieved, you see, they had been drawn into the whole mess of hiding things - sparing my feelings. 2) I once went to a meeting for prospective Alateen sponsors, it was an Alateen meeting. I have no desire to be an alateen sponsor, but got talked into it, as there was a shortfall. Anyway, the shocking thing to me, being the good guy in all this, was the resentment felt towards the non A parent. These kids knew the mom or dad was a drunk, they resented the other parent for not being honest, not taking charge, not helping them, helping the A, most of all, they resented the covering up, being treated as if they did not know what was going on at home. Please come to the chat room, go to face to face meetings if possible, weigh things up, this program has helped many thousands of people - maybe it could help you. Whatever you decide, take what you like and leave the rest - maybe some Alanon literature will help, sometimes, just reading things, quietly, on our own, makes more sense at a given time. You are very welcome here, thank you for your share, it helps people like me to remember the reality of what things were like when I came to Alanon - sometimes, I backslide, cant be bothered with meetings etc., hearing someone talk about the reality of active drinking reminds me of how I need to work on my own recovery. Lots of love, Flora xxxx

Conwolf, I have a son 9, two daughters 13 & 14. It has been my experience that there is no way to shield them from the disease. The disease progresses and so will their exposure. My children have born witness to some pretty nasty stuff. They have also born witness to my failed and ignorant attempts to deal w/ my wifes multiple illnesses and alcoholism. I'm hoping that through alanon and focusing on myself that I'll provide a better model for dealing with these adversities. I dont' know today if that will mean divorce or not. Either way, something has to change, Let it begin with me. Bob