why is it that when i left me "A" after he started his drinking binge that i cant let go.

emotionally.... i mean i was the one to leave...my choice, my decision etc..

so how come after 4 mths of crying, frustrated with life in general and questioning everything even my HP... why am i still in the same place??

the only thing i have learnt about this whole disease is the 3 "C"'s i didnt CAUSE IT, i cant CONTROL it and i cant CURE it.

which sadly does not make me feel any better.

even though we broke up in august and he is in rehab (this is his 8th week) now.... i still visit him on sundays...coz i know he has no one else.... and i know its not a nice feeling to know your alone and no one wants you... especially at xmas time when all you see everywhere is family stuff.

he tries to be positive but i make him feel like s**t. i curse at him and generally try and make him suffer...and its all because im mad at the world...and at him for doing this to me.

he cant say or do anything right in my eyes... and he knows it. yet all he keeps saying is

"we spent 15 brilliant months together and your throwing it all away on 1 month of madness that was all my fault?"

aaahhh YEA...that sounds about right.

i cant forgive him, i cant forget, and it seems i cant move on.

im having nightmares about the whole thing.

when will it ever stop?

if it goes on much longer i will end up in a psychiatric ward for 2006.

sorry for being down....

Okay, here's the deal.  They say we shouldn't try to make them feel guilty.  I can't stop myself.  The other night I tried to make him feel so guilty I had hoped he'd become suicidal.  How's that for terrible?  The thing is, I am feeling so angry and miserable at him, at our situation, at his addiction, at his dead father for being an addict, but mostly at myself for putting up with it over and over again.  Being miserable is a lonely place to be and I don't want to be there alone.  It is my way of inviting him into my world.  It's my way of trying to get him to validate my feelings and my way of stressing the importance of what he's doing.

The thing is that he knows he messed up.  He's knows it's his fault.  (It's not his fault he has a horrible disease, but it is his fault he chooses not to get help for it).  I can't make him feel any worse than he makes himself feel.  We are hardest on ourselves and tend to be our own worse critics.  I wish my husband would go to rehab.

Are you focusing on you?  Are you doing things for yourself?  Are you spending time with friends and family?  I found that when I left my husband, I couldn't get past the anger and resentment if he came by to visit or called.  I had to cut off my contact with him so I could focus on me.  You are in the right place.  Do something special for yourself tonight.

Hello Rebecca, First of all, don't be sorry for being down. Feeling your feelings is how you get through the pain. Post here and get it out all you want. Our program is a process. The first couple months I came here is a blurr to me. I was so full of emotion and turmoil like you. We understand here and are willing to listen unconditionally. Forgiveness helps to heal and so does forgetting, but again, it is a process. Did you get my private message here? I didn't know how badly my daughter though of herself until after she had been in treatment twice. A boyfriend of hers told me she said this to him. I am a F*** UP. If my parents find out I relapsed they will not love me and disown me. I never thought she felt that way about herself! The alcohohlic/drugaddict can be their own worst enemy. She was harder on herself than anyone. Sure, she put me through hell with all she did! But we learned to put it in the past where it belongs. It takes alot of energy for us to hold on to all that anger and all those memories. Get them out here if needed. But get them out so you can begin to heal. Do not apologize for how you feel here. WE do understand. (((((Rebecca))))) cdb

((((Rebecca))))

Boy, can I relate to alot there.  I feel kinda bad that I left my A right before Christmas too, b/c he told me his family will be away, so he wanted to spend it with mine.  Now that we're not together, that won't be happening, but I'm not reponsible for him.  His HP will take care of him.

It took me leaving and coming back to actually get program.  I first came in thinking that alanon would show me the way, to either leave my a or learn to live with him.  It did help alittle, but for the most part, I was here for him and not myself.  I got the 3 c's, that you can start you're day over at any time, and to make, how my day was going to go, up to me.  I used that last one for a full week when I went on vacation with my A to a beautiful place.  He was not treating me the way I would have liked, but I was able to enjoy the beauty of the place. I broke up with him at least once a month, but I always went back. So, I figured alanon did not work for me and I stopped going to meetings.

Then, after crying almost daily, I decided to check out this chat room here...that was last year.  I got an awesome sponsor and started working those steps.  This time I was here for myself.  There was so much confusion in the beginning, but it takes time for clarity, it does get better.  Even when I was living with my A, who was active at the time, (I took suggestion not to make any major decisions for 6 months) I was getting better through working this program.  It's progress not perfection.

Someone said that you're right where you're supposed to be, and it's so true.  There is no right or wrong here, just do what is good for you, if seeing your A makes you feel good then do it.  It's your choice.  We'll love you no matter what. 

Keep coming and grab hold of those tools...

Love in recovery, Christine

Like cdb said, come here and let it out.  Talk it out.

So many A's and even so many of us Alanoners made a career out of stuffing feelings.  All this has done for my A has turned her towards other sustances so that she doesn't have to deal w/ those feelings.  They aren't let out and the substances numb the pain.

I go around trying to fix everyone else, because that is so much easier (so I think) but truthfully so less painful than fixing myself.  I do everything for them and nothing for myself.  But I make that choice their fault.  I focus on their addiction and not on my recovery....and I'm miserable, and that's their fault.

I come here at my darkest and my brightest hours.  My friend's unconditional love, their compassion, and their ESH, give me tools to get out of my funk.  Their support when I come here and post about even my smallest progress help cheer me along the way..

Bob

 

((((Rebecca))))

I think its normal to have the feelings you are having.  I believe that HP puts us in a place in our lives to feel this pain only to bring us up higher with a greater understanding.  The nightmares are bad, and the feelings of wanting the "a" to suffer just as much as we suffer is intense.  I go through this sometimes too.  Give yourself some time and allow yourself to feel and grieve.  Peace and acceptance will come in its own time, so hang in there and keep posting to get it all out.  Take care

Twinmom~