Hi!

I have woken this morning to the realization that I am jealous, just when I thought I had an understanding of my feelings concerning my A (Husband) and the tools to deal to with them healthily. What's worse is the circumstances this jealousy has arisen in.

Three days ago we got the awful news that my A's best friend had suddenly and unexpectedly had passed away. He was a morphine addict, originating from needing the drugs for a back injury. The morphine had masked the symptoms of a stomach ulcer which perforated and he bled to death. He had no idea he had an ulcer. He left behind his partner and a 5yo daughter. Very sad.

What I have got jealous over is my A's support to his friends wife. The thoughts repeatedly go through my head - Why can't he (A) show me even just a small  part of the support that he has shown his friends wife, he is helping emotional and financially with the funeral arrangements. Which is great of him. But I have never received such support.

Boy! I am ticked off. 

One time a few months ago I was facing a problem and asked my A for advice - his answer to me was "it's your problem, deal with it", so, of course, I did. 

I hate feeling this way. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Feather

Hello Feather,

I too live with someone with this kind of behavior. I have learned to take care of me and not to expect anything from him. By doing this, sometimes he can do the most loving things that seem more special somehow. I don't know why some people hurt the ones closest to them. All I know is, I take care of myself now and anything I get from him is just a gift that he is able to give at the time. I am waiting for replies here too to see feedback for this situation. Get your support where you can Feather. ((((((((((supportive Hugs)))))) cdb

Feather,

My A does this over and over. He jumps to help everyone. He says that he was raised to be helpful but  really I think it feeds his ego. He says he doesn't get positive feedback from me. So he soaks the compliments at work and so forth.

So what I have to do is ask him directly for help or to come home or to do something with our family. Try to detach and don't take it personally. Hope this helps.

In support,

Nancy

 

 

 

Hello Feather ,  your friends wife has no expectations of him so it's easy to help. We have expectations no matter h ow hard we try not too and they know it . Most don't think they can live up to them so do nothing.  (disease)

As to asking A for advice or support well i learned along time ago  that going to an A for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread, especially if still drinking.

It feels personal but isn't , it is the nature of the disease one of it's many nasty  symptoms.

Just the way it is .

Hi Feather,

I too have went through that same thing.  My A's best friends's dad was suffering from the effects of alcohol dependency for a year.  My A was always there for his friend and the dad.  Then the dad died, same thing...I thought what a horrible person I am.  But I didn't say anything, I let him do what he needed to do for him.  Hang in there, it's just a feeling, feel it and let it go.

Hugs Mary

Hi,

I understand how this feels. My AH treated his friends better than his own family. He would do all sorts of things for others, but wouldn't do much of anything at home.  Of course everyone thought he was so wonderful...which in turn, made me feel guilty for feeling resentful and unfulfilled. 

I have come to understand (and still trying hard every day to accept) that arrogance is an alcoholic's biggest hindrance. It's almost always about 'what's in it for them'. In this case, I would guess he's getting something out of playing the hero...the good guy...the rescuer. It probably feeds his ego.  Unless they can find recovery, humility and major ego deflation -- this is something that we conciously struggle to accept about thier character. However, don't let it fool you into believing that it's okay! Alcoholics have choices too...despite the disease.  They either choose to 'get well' or they don't. We either choose to accept them 'as is' or we don't. 

One of the best things I have personally gotten out of my own recovery is the discovery of what I need for my own happiness. It's been wonderfully freeing to let go of my expectations on people that can't (by choice) live up to them.

Take care of you,

D.

Hi,

I too have all too often felt as you do.  My husband will do anything for his sister or her kids, or his parents or a friend in need. He will go over to a friends house and do yard work or fix things, and understands everyones feelings but ours. To them he gets to be the nice guy, the hero. They gush over his accomplishments and skill and generosity.

He will give anyone in need money. Never mind that money was earmarked for a bill and then I have to worry if it will be turned off. He gets to be Mr wonderful and I come out looking selfish.

Even if wewe try not to have expectations of them, they have responsibilities and obligations. It is no fun to live up to a responsibility, no one is going to reward or gush over you for it.

A book I read described an alcoholic as an egomaiac with an inferiority complex. The sicker they get the more grandiose and generouse they get to outside people. It makes sense, think about it, most A's love to buy drinks for everyone, it makes them feel larger than life.

                    Love jeannie

 

Hi Feather,

I can identify with being jealous at times as well.  My a spends alot of time on the back porch talking on the phone to his friends.  The kids don't really get much of his attention anymore nor do I.  I am learning to fill my time with doing the things that need to be done in my life.  I think because we are the ones keeping our families together, alot of our energy is spent taking care of the house, kids, finances, etc.  We don't seem to get the credit or support we need from the a that lives in the house.  I think its easier for the "a" to be kind and supportive to others because it keeps the focus off his/her own problems or the people in their lives that need the attention.  I don't think my "a" is emotionally equipped to give me that kind of support that I need, he is in denial right now about his addictions and does not want to deal with me or anything that has to do with his life's work.  Being jealous doesn't feel good, but in reality the "a" maybe helping out someone else and in the process hurting himself because his needs and the needs of those closest to him/her don't get met.  Hang in there, maybe one day they'll realize how screwed up their priorities can be. 

((((hugs))))

Twinmom~

I don't know exactly why this is but my A is pretty much the same way.  When a friend needs him, no matter how much of an inconvience it may be he will go out of his way and do whatever is necessary to be there for his friend.  But if I say my back hurts can you help me with the kids or whatever...I more often than not get blown off.  It's very easy to allow my feelings to be hurt over this type of behaviour from him.  It's one of those things I can't figure out,, so I gave up trying to.  Just know you're not alone so it's not *you* it's something common amongst addicts I suppose.

Thankyou everyone for your insight.  You are right this sad situation would feed my A's ego and there are no expectations from his friends wife. He would be being seen as the "hero" And I need not take his behaivour personally. (this still requires some practice on my part).

I believed I had the detachment thing under control and then a situation pops up that bites you on the bum! I understand now and have let go. 

I am always learning with this disease. Thankyou once again, I appreciate your feedback. It has helped me to see more clearly.

Take Care,

Feather

-- Edited by Feather at 01:53, 2005-12-13