I have a younger sister (38), who has been married for 4 years and lving for 15 years to a much older man (50). He drinks heavily 3-4 times a week, spends whatever money he has on drink and drugs, brings home 'friends' he's made in the pub to party on in their home. They have a 12 year old daughter (my niece) and a 5 year old son (nephew). My sister has met someone else (apparently 'just an affair'), she is out all the time meeting this man, leaving her husband in charge of the house and kids. My nephew has been to hospital twice as a result of injuries because he's not supervised, my niece is also drinking, using drugs, staying out all night and dropping out of school. They have very serious money problems - mortgage arears, credit card bills, utilities unpaid. They only way I can describe their home is as one in chaos. Despite my sister being a psychiatric nurse - currently being disciplined for absences - she is also the only one with a regular income. She rings me in tears, I offer help, she doesn't act on it - I'm sure you've heard all this before.
This is really affecting the rest of our family. In addition I have a very serious life threatening heart problem (I'm 40) and have a lot of restrictions & medication as a result. I have a demanding full time job (that I love!) and I help my parents out financially. I've been in therapy for 2 years with long term depression, anxiety etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and swing between marching in and trying to take over or walking away - completely. The good thing is I'm happily married and have a 16year old son who is doing great. My sister and I are different in that respect. I love her very much and my niece & nephew. It is destroying us to watch this happening - what should I do? BTW our parents lived through many, many crises - financial, emotional, you name it, when we were growing up.
FrancesB
cdb said
Dec 11, 2005
Hello FrancesB,
(((((((supportive hugs to you))))))) My heart goes out to you Frances. You are not alone, that is for sure, now that you found this site. Alcoholism is a horrible destructive disease and yes, a family disease too. You need to take care of you first thing. Especially with your heart problems and depression. I am sure you know your options about her kids. A person can report to social services for the protection of the kids. I can see where that would be a hard choice for a family member but a person can do it anonymously too. In my friends case, the kids lied when social services talked to them :( so social services hands were tied.
So many things are out of our control with this disease. WE must work on ourselves with the alanon program. I have also gone to open AA meetings to learn more about how the alcoholic/drugaddict feels. That was very healing for me to understand their struggle too. Keep on posting and coming back. I am sure you will get more replies of support here and shared expericences of others. ((((((Frances)))) cdb
kismetstrand said
Dec 11, 2005
Welcome Frances, glad you are here. I will speak to you from the side of your sister, as I too once had children totally out of control, married to an alcoholic, and was completely miserable. My mother and my sister both tried many times to give me advice on how to make things better. They did this for years. And like your sister, I took no action on it. I ended up getting a divorce, but that did not "cure" the problems. My children were still out of control, I was still looking for something outside myself to make me happy. Went into a relationship where, while he didn't drink, he did have control issues. He was good with the kids, he was good with me actually, but he always wanted more from me than I could give in return emotionally. So I left and moved back in with my parents. I went to community college. I got my AA. I went to work and moved out to a horrid apartment, but it was mine and I was standing on my own two feet. Yet still the problems were there. I finally met the man who is my husband today.... another alcoholic. He said to me some of the same things my mom and sister had been saying about the kids. I also had moved again and got a new job at the state dept of mental health (secretary), and due to the stress ended up going to a counselor who told me that I could not do anything for my kids until I "fixed" myself. I worked on getting the kids to mind, but I was very inconsistent. We moved again, I got another job... and met a co-worker who was in Al-Anon. She planted the seed just by telling me a very little about herself, how her life had been and what it was now (she was about to get married to the personnel manager who was a wonderful man). She was happy. She was serene. But still, I did nothing. Several more years passed, we moved again (twice) and the effects of this disease just got worse and worse. Finally one Halloween night my hubby and I got into another one of our verbal fights, and he grabbed my shirt as I turned to leave the room. I yelled at him to let me go and picked up the phone and called the cops out. They came... one took me outside... and he said to me "You allow it." Whoa! That hit me like a ton of bricks. The next day I was online looking for Al-Anon and found this site. Since that day I have learned so much about this disease and about myself and how to live and think in a new way.
What can you do to help your sister? My one thought is, help yourself first. Come to Al-Anon, learn about this disease, learn about the Al-Anon "tools", apply them in your own life with how you interact with your sister, nephew and niece. Knowing about this disease, understanding what "enabling" is (so you can avoid it) will help immensely in how you act (versus react) to your sister's situation. Lead by example, and maybe just maybe she will want what you have and ask where/how you got it. It would help your parents also to attend Al-Anon. It is a very hard thing to watch our loved ones being affected by this disease. In Al-Anon we learn how to cope with this. We learn how not to let it destroy our serenity too.
We care. We understand. You've just found a brand new family here. Welcome home.
Luv, Kis
FrancesB said
Dec 11, 2005
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Until I found this site I thought there must be something really wrong with us all and that we were alone. Of course there are things wrong - I still can't believe that we've got to this point, particularly with my niece and nephew. I'm agonised over whether to make that call to social services though. Just don't know if it will make things worse and if it'll mean the rest of my family - my sister, my parents will break off any contact with me. I don't think I could bear that. I know that my mum is very, very worried and I have tried to talk to her about 'making a call', but she cries and keeps saying they'll put the kids in care. I am so frightened for them all. My sister's husband got her by the throat and hit her last week - she had bruises but wouldn't report him because he was drunk and sorry. She also said she provoked him. I've been through a violent marriage myself, it took four years for me to divorce him and press charges - it was one of the best things I ever did. This is so painful.
I am so glad that I have found you. I'm in tears just thinking that you understand. I'm quite isolated myself - apart from work - where no-one knows or would understand - I feel so ashamed that our family is going through this.
FrancesB
leo said
Dec 11, 2005
Hi Frances,
As hard as it may be you might be the only person who is able to protect the interests of your nephew 5 and niece 12 years old. The loss of contact with your sister has to be weighed up against the safety of those kids. I cannot tell you to make the call to social services that is up to you. From your post I see a loving, caring person who is worried about others and feeling powerless. Keep posting to us we are here for you. Luv Leo x
FrancesB said
Dec 12, 2005
Just came off the phone from my sister. She's going out tonight, leaving the kids with her husband. I told her how concerned I am and she said "Why?" when I told her why she said "Oh, its not that bad, most of the time its okay." I asked her if he was going to be drinking tonight and she said "Oh, I don't know".
Anyway, we're on this see saw, she tells me things that really concern me, I react then she denies it! Is this familiar? How do I deal with it?
FrancesB
just me said
Dec 12, 2005
((((Frances)))))
Everyone in my family are A's. This stuff you are writing about are frequent occurences in my family. Absent parents, unpaid bills and chaotic homes with uncontrollable kids. Since I have found al-anon, I have learned to focus on what I can control. Me! I have stopped agonizing over the actions of others. I am still learning but my life is so much better. I keep coming back here and take it one day, hour or minute at a time. Whatever it takes. I read from the Courage to Change and attend as many meetings as I can either online or face to face. We understand and are here to support you!
I have a younger sister (38), who has been married for 4 years and lving for 15 years to a much older man (50). He drinks heavily 3-4 times a week, spends whatever money he has on drink and drugs, brings home 'friends' he's made in the pub to party on in their home. They have a 12 year old daughter (my niece) and a 5 year old son (nephew). My sister has met someone else (apparently 'just an affair'), she is out all the time meeting this man, leaving her husband in charge of the house and kids. My nephew has been to hospital twice as a result of injuries because he's not supervised, my niece is also drinking, using drugs, staying out all night and dropping out of school. They have very serious money problems - mortgage arears, credit card bills, utilities unpaid. They only way I can describe their home is as one in chaos. Despite my sister being a psychiatric nurse - currently being disciplined for absences - she is also the only one with a regular income. She rings me in tears, I offer help, she doesn't act on it - I'm sure you've heard all this before.
This is really affecting the rest of our family. In addition I have a very serious life threatening heart problem (I'm 40) and have a lot of restrictions & medication as a result. I have a demanding full time job (that I love!) and I help my parents out financially. I've been in therapy for 2 years with long term depression, anxiety etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and swing between marching in and trying to take over or walking away - completely. The good thing is I'm happily married and have a 16year old son who is doing great. My sister and I are different in that respect. I love her very much and my niece & nephew. It is destroying us to watch this happening - what should I do? BTW our parents lived through many, many crises - financial, emotional, you name it, when we were growing up.
FrancesB
Hello FrancesB,
(((((((supportive hugs to you))))))) My heart goes out to you Frances. You are not alone, that is for sure, now that you found this site. Alcoholism is a horrible destructive disease and yes, a family disease too. You need to take care of you first thing. Especially with your heart problems and depression. I am sure you know your options about her kids. A person can report to social services for the protection of the kids. I can see where that would be a hard choice for a family member but a person can do it anonymously too. In my friends case, the kids lied when social services talked to them :( so social services hands were tied.
So many things are out of our control with this disease. WE must work on ourselves with the alanon program. I have also gone to open AA meetings to learn more about how the alcoholic/drugaddict feels. That was very healing for me to understand their struggle too. Keep on posting and coming back. I am sure you will get more replies of support here and shared expericences of others. ((((((Frances)))) cdb
Welcome Frances, glad you are here. I will speak to you from the side of your sister, as I too once had children totally out of control, married to an alcoholic, and was completely miserable. My mother and my sister both tried many times to give me advice on how to make things better. They did this for years. And like your sister, I took no action on it. I ended up getting a divorce, but that did not "cure" the problems. My children were still out of control, I was still looking for something outside myself to make me happy. Went into a relationship where, while he didn't drink, he did have control issues. He was good with the kids, he was good with me actually, but he always wanted more from me than I could give in return emotionally. So I left and moved back in with my parents. I went to community college. I got my AA. I went to work and moved out to a horrid apartment, but it was mine and I was standing on my own two feet. Yet still the problems were there. I finally met the man who is my husband today.... another alcoholic. He said to me some of the same things my mom and sister had been saying about the kids. I also had moved again and got a new job at the state dept of mental health (secretary), and due to the stress ended up going to a counselor who told me that I could not do anything for my kids until I "fixed" myself. I worked on getting the kids to mind, but I was very inconsistent. We moved again, I got another job... and met a co-worker who was in Al-Anon. She planted the seed just by telling me a very little about herself, how her life had been and what it was now (she was about to get married to the personnel manager who was a wonderful man). She was happy. She was serene. But still, I did nothing. Several more years passed, we moved again (twice) and the effects of this disease just got worse and worse. Finally one Halloween night my hubby and I got into another one of our verbal fights, and he grabbed my shirt as I turned to leave the room. I yelled at him to let me go and picked up the phone and called the cops out. They came... one took me outside... and he said to me "You allow it." Whoa! That hit me like a ton of bricks. The next day I was online looking for Al-Anon and found this site. Since that day I have learned so much about this disease and about myself and how to live and think in a new way.
What can you do to help your sister? My one thought is, help yourself first. Come to Al-Anon, learn about this disease, learn about the Al-Anon "tools", apply them in your own life with how you interact with your sister, nephew and niece. Knowing about this disease, understanding what "enabling" is (so you can avoid it) will help immensely in how you act (versus react) to your sister's situation. Lead by example, and maybe just maybe she will want what you have and ask where/how you got it. It would help your parents also to attend Al-Anon. It is a very hard thing to watch our loved ones being affected by this disease. In Al-Anon we learn how to cope with this. We learn how not to let it destroy our serenity too.
We care. We understand. You've just found a brand new family here. Welcome home.
Luv, Kis
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Until I found this site I thought there must be something really wrong with us all and that we were alone. Of course there are things wrong - I still can't believe that we've got to this point, particularly with my niece and nephew. I'm agonised over whether to make that call to social services though. Just don't know if it will make things worse and if it'll mean the rest of my family - my sister, my parents will break off any contact with me. I don't think I could bear that. I know that my mum is very, very worried and I have tried to talk to her about 'making a call', but she cries and keeps saying they'll put the kids in care. I am so frightened for them all. My sister's husband got her by the throat and hit her last week - she had bruises but wouldn't report him because he was drunk and sorry. She also said she provoked him. I've been through a violent marriage myself, it took four years for me to divorce him and press charges - it was one of the best things I ever did. This is so painful.
I am so glad that I have found you. I'm in tears just thinking that you understand. I'm quite isolated myself - apart from work - where no-one knows or would understand - I feel so ashamed that our family is going through this.
FrancesB
Hi Frances,
As hard as it may be you might be the only person who is able to protect the interests of your nephew 5 and niece 12 years old. The loss of contact with your sister has to be weighed up against the safety of those kids. I cannot tell you to make the call to social services that is up to you. From your post I see a loving, caring person who is worried about others and feeling powerless. Keep posting to us we are here for you. Luv Leo x
Just came off the phone from my sister. She's going out tonight, leaving the kids with her husband. I told her how concerned I am and she said "Why?" when I told her why she said "Oh, its not that bad, most of the time its okay." I asked her if he was going to be drinking tonight and she said "Oh, I don't know".
Anyway, we're on this see saw, she tells me things that really concern me, I react then she denies it! Is this familiar? How do I deal with it?
FrancesB
((((Frances)))))
Everyone in my family are A's. This stuff you are writing about are frequent occurences in my family. Absent parents, unpaid bills and chaotic homes with uncontrollable kids. Since I have found al-anon, I have learned to focus on what I can control. Me! I have stopped agonizing over the actions of others. I am still learning but my life is so much better. I keep coming back here and take it one day, hour or minute at a time. Whatever it takes. I read from the Courage to Change and attend as many meetings as I can either online or face to face. We understand and are here to support you!
Julia