I guess I would have been really tickled by pounds of gummi bears because he spent his entire paycheck on crack.  Gee, he was nice enough to bring me home a pack of cigarettes.  All I have heard is more promises and how scared he is and how powerless he is.  Big flippin deal.  I've lived in fear for the past five years.  He hates himself, well we agree on something then don't we?  I told him last night that I know he is not the sum of his addiction, but in the past year it is hard to tell the difference between him and his addiction.

Of course I engaged him when he got home and then said everything I could say to make him feel guilty.  When he cried I didn't even care.  when he said he felt like dying, I thought that might be the best idea he's had in months.

I just don't feel anything today.  I am proud to say I did well today.  I got up and made homemade french toast, eggs, bacon, grits and juice.  I made him get up and spend the day with the kids.  My son and I baked Christmas cookies and my parents came for a visit.  I held it all together and was all smiles.  I told him to get his butt out of bed, act like everything was fine, dry his eyes and participate in this family until I put him out and he had better put a smile on his face.  He did.  The children had a wonderful day.  Tomorrow I have planned a picnic lunch at the park and tonight after a dinner ot fried chicken, baked macaroni, creamed corn, wild rice and christmas cookies, we are going to put up the tree

I want the kids days to be as normal as possible and I promised myself when i brought my son home last week that the chaos and insanity was going to effect them as little as possible.  That promise to myself has helped me to remain calm and detached and set my priorities where they should be.

powerless,

I relate to the dying part.  So many times I wished just do it.  He sober now and I'm glad he never did.  But so made me smile.  Oh how many times I wished he would die.  Sorry I know this is not helpful.  But your not alone.

NIKKILOU

You sound so much better!  Good for you!! You keep your chin up and march on!!

You are non-powerless to me.

josey

Powerless/Powerful

You are getting stronger.  I too had to smile at your post.  When my A lost his licence and was crying and wanted my support I said to my Mum oh I just wish he would fall down the stairs(we have a two storey house).  My Mum laughed with me at the time but said I was awful (through her giggles.) Your post indicates that you are sick of the poor me and at the "Tell someone who cares" stage. You are starting to focus on you keep it up you are doing great.  Luv Leo x

 

Hey there

Sorry but I had to laugh too...So many times I have thought the same things.  You are doing great, keeping things calm for your kids.  It is tough but worth it.  Focus on you and the kids and things will get better.  Have a great picnic today, you are worth it!

Love Julie

hey num if u r having sex with the person it is bodily fluids and it is being transmitted 2 u - the drugs I mean. Do take good care of u. My ex - who lost the bumper off his truck tries to blame it on me. I could not call him anything except I could take a stand 4 me - my researc find no air bag deployment - someone must have stole it. Then he wants a nite out on his own and gets busted for dui. Of course it is my fault... The best to u and a - except do be taking great care of u in this. Regards, \/\/ille

Hello Powerless,

It sounds like you are doing so well and working your program :) Way to go! whoooohoooo :)  The numb and emotionless is sort of like the Fake it until you make it. It will eventually turn into un-numb and emotions and then small bits of serenity and peace. The kids will probably follow your lead too. That is my experience. Keep on doing what you are and you will see miracles in progress :) I see them now in you :) your friend in recovery, cdb PS,,name of site is miracles in progress and yes, they do happen.