I am so angry that my hands are shaking and i think I may vomit.  I posted a little while ago in response to someone else and began to get agitated.  My mother-in-law called me and asked if I had heard from my husband yet.  He is a truck driver and was due in at two o'clock this afternoon.  He hasn't skown up yet.  My father-in-law had to bring me diapers, medicine for the baby's fever and a pack of cigarettes.

My mother-in-law called his boss and gave him my number to call me back.  He called me back and said my husband was in town and he paid him four hours ago.  My power and water were supposed to be disconnected today and I was able to get an extension until Monday.  My son came back to me with nothing but the clothes on his back this week and he goes back to school Monday with nothing but one pair of pants. We haven't even bought a single Christmas gift. 

How could he do this?  How could I have been so stupid to come back to him when I was home free when I moved out?  Why am I still here instead of gone yet?  My God, how much am I willing to put up with?  I brought my son back to a screwed up home because I thought I could raise him better than his father.  I am trying to fight for custody of my daughter.  I win never win.  What is in his head when he picks up his checks, knows we are depending on him and makes a conscious choice to stop by the dopemans house?  Not to mention, highly inconsiderate because he knows I would be worried about where he was.  I hate him I hate him I hate him

He is doing what an addict does. I don't know him, don't know whether he really doesn't care, or if he does care but just is unable to fight his disease. In the end, it doesn't matter. The reality is - he can't take care of you, you need to take care of yourself. Your anger can help you here, because it can give you strength. You have every right to do whatever you need to, to take care of yourself and your kids. Expecting an addict to be reliable and responsible is like going to the lumber yard for milk - it just won't work. Here's something that I find I have to read over every so often, just to remind me - THE ALCOHOLIC SPEAKS TO HIS FAMILY - I am an alcoholic. I need your help. Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too. Don't pour out my liquor - it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape from the consequences of my drinking.Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly. I love you. Your alcoholic

Thank you.  I have read that before and it helped to be reminded of it.  one thing that always gets me if the paying the bills and bailing them out.  If he has to sit in the dark or do without a shower, so do I and so do the children.  I am so angry, but am not in a position right now to do anything.  When he gets in, what am I supposed to do?  Ignore him?  Ignore the fact that he blew his whole check?  What do i say so that I don't engage?  It's the thing I have the most difficulty with

First of all make sure you are calm when he comes home.  By now you are probably already stewing over his entry, looking at the clock etc.  Do you have someone that you can visit in the meantime? If this is not an option focus on something good for you and the kids to do.  Get some fresh air it is free and take the baby for a walk in the pram.  Not sure what the weather is like where you are but what I am trying to say is put the focus back on you. Surrender to Hp to get your strength back and then you will feel more in control and able to handle things much better.  Luv Leo xx

Yeah, if at all possible, don't say anything while you are so mad, especially if he is drunk when he gets home. You know there won't be a good outcome to that. When you have calmed down a bit and he is sober, it is time enough to talk about the parts of it that are yours. Easy for me to say, I know, but I've been there. Blasting him when he walked in the door never worked out well, and I was always happy when I was able to keep from doing it.

(((powerless))) i have been where you are so many times. only when it first started happening i told my a to stop coming home when he was under any influence. later i regretted it not knowing where he was who he was with etc. but now see that it was always the best thing. it gave me time to calm down and gather my thoughts. the times he blew his cheques and we needed food or rent i made him go to his very religious grandmother  and explain that he needed food or money. in the end this really upset him. he knows his grandma loves him more then anything and he continued to dissappoint her. so we would make a plan together for pay days like i would hold all the bank cards so he couldnt cash the cheque until he got home first etc. he agreed if he chose to live that life it was not fair for me to do without the things i needed because if he really wanted to use he would find a way with or without money. maybe he could close an account all together and have you in charge of all finances. i dont know. i know how hurt you feel right now for believing he'd come home right after work. when i started to accept that he would most likely not come home and started making plans for what i would do that night i handled those nights extremly well. i will pray for you.

Is this his way of telling you he can't do it for you and the kids?  He knows what pressure he was under to stay clean. Hun, stop fuming, it will get you no where! Get to a shelter or somewhere this weekend and get your son some clothes, get on with your life for your kids, all of them!  Get on those knees and pray for the best words to come out of your mouth, the right words, in the right tone and at the right time.

Wishing you the best!

josey

Hello Powerless,

When I answered your newest post yesterday, I hadn't read this one. My heart goes out to you and I am almost shaking too because what happened makes me so angry too! ((((((((Powerless))))) This disease is so awful! I will be thinking of you and saying prayers! I see you had good replies and others have been where you are. It helps me to know I am understood and not alone. Keep on coming back and keep us updated. I wish there was something more I could do for you! cdb,,xoxoxoxoxo