Hi guys,
I mentioned a while back I started going to counseling in addition to alanon, at the suggestion of my sponsor, to deal with something that is going on in my marriage.
As part of the working through the issue in my marriage, we have fallen on issues relating to my parents. We learn what we experience, so I have to understand what I experienced before I can choose to do it differently for myself, she tells me.
OK, I get it.
She asked about how something related to what is happening for me now was handled in my house growing up.
This is somewhat sadly funny to me now, but as I answered her, I caught myself doing something I did all the time as a kid - I asked myself - don't laugh - is this something Laura Ingalls Wilder would say?
I haven't thought about that in eons. She was my idol when I was growng up, I read all her books, and I completely modeled myself in elementary school and junior high after whatever I thought Laura would say or do. Well, I'm guessing this was handled inappropriately, this thing with my parents she was asking me about, because I couldn't picture Laura saying anything about this in ten million years. Then she asks me, "Well, how did that make you feel?" I don't remember. Was I sad? Angry? Upset? Annoyed? Probably. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure Laura would have been pretty upset and run to the nearest neighbor's house for assistance. But then again, her parents weren't alcoholics or prescription drug addicts...lol. And that's her answer, not mine.
The counselor tells me feelings are how we guide ourselves. I take that as a suggestion I shouldn't be using Laura Ingalls Wilder as a guide in place of them...lol. As an aside, I kind of chuckle at this and give myself credit for coming up with a solution that, silly as it was, worked for me for many years. But this definitely falls under the category of, "it doesn't work anymore."
Has anyone else felt this out of touch? I would appreciate some suggestions if anyone has any. The counselor suggested I "be patient." Oh YEAH, I'm REALLY GOOD at that...(not).
bobump said
Dec 9, 2005
LOL @ Engalls.
One of the things that has happened to me either in F2F meetings, online meetings, or talking to friends form alanon is that we will be talking about something and I'm IMMEDIATELY transported to a time and place in my childhood. I can picture so many details, and I remember something from my childhood.
These things are important as they are part of the enviroment that we grew up and that made us what we are and how we deal with things.
it sounds like a breakthru to me.
Bob
abbyal said
Dec 10, 2005
Hi Pix relax , when we figure out "why" we do what we do , we can change. Growing up in your home reality was not great so to me makes sence that you would choose laura to pattern your thoughts to. Children have this wonderful knack of going some where else in thier minds when things get tough, unfortunatley as an adult we call it denial. hehe The fantacy which beats hell of reality somedays.
As an adult I love reality there are very few supprises , what is , is what is. simple huh!
lin0606 said
Dec 10, 2005
Sounds to me that as a kid, you found a great coping strategy - I'd say Laura is a good role model for a kid!
You're right, though, that time is past. You are an adult now, and you have some power (yes you do!). Time to recognize that strategy for what it was - a way for a scared and helpless kid to cope, and move on.
I had a similar experience in counselling - I realized that there are many aspects of my marriage that copy my childhood. Things that I put up with from my husband because I had had no choice but to put up with them from my mother. Realizing that has made it easier to stop doing this now, and in a funny way, has also made it easier to forgive my mom. Instead of being the all powerful inexplicable person she was to me as a child, I am more able to see her as someone unhappy and messed up, weak and trying to hide it - in fact, much like my husband.
Emmie11 said
Dec 11, 2005
Pix,
You and I grew up in a totally parallel universe. My parents would be fighting or there would be drama in the household, and my room was the prairie and my bed was the covered wagon.
Congratulations. You are doing great things and taking big steps toward healing yourself... and hang in there, Half Pint, it's almost time for he Christmas Dance at Grandpa's.
Emmie
cdb said
Dec 11, 2005
Hello pixel,
There was an episode years later where the adopted brother got hooked on drugs when they moved to the city. Did you ever see this episode? This was not in the books but on tv. I don't remember now how they handled it but it had such meaning to it then. My daughter was not an alcoholic/drugaddict then so I didn't relate very well. I see now the good things I learned from my parents too. I did need therapy on that earlier in my life. I feel knowledge is power and the more we know the more we can change. Keep up growing and changing :) cdb
angelinme908 said
Dec 11, 2005
Laura Ingalls was one of my favorite characters too. In fact, I still watch it occasionally on cable. If you watched the series you might also remember that Charles Ingalls' best friend was an alcoholic for many years. Even though he was one of Laura's favorite people, it was difficult to be around him for her. She and her family had their own coping skills when it came to him, since he was like one of the family.
but it is definitely better to now try to figure out what you should do or what you feel instead of thinking about Laura Ingalls. Even if she was a wonderful role model most of the time.
LOL @ Engalls.
One of the things that has happened to me either in F2F meetings, online meetings, or talking to friends form alanon is that we will be talking about something and I'm IMMEDIATELY transported to a time and place in my childhood. I can picture so many details, and I remember something from my childhood.
These things are important as they are part of the enviroment that we grew up and that made us what we are and how we deal with things.
it sounds like a breakthru to me.
Bob
Hi Pix relax , when we figure out "why" we do what we do , we can change. Growing up in your home reality was not great so to me makes sence that you would choose laura to pattern your thoughts to. Children have this wonderful knack of going some where else in thier minds when things get tough, unfortunatley as an adult we call it denial. hehe The fantacy which beats hell of reality somedays.
As an adult I love reality there are very few supprises , what is , is what is. simple huh!
Pix,
You and I grew up in a totally parallel universe. My parents would be fighting or there would be drama in the household, and my room was the prairie and my bed was the covered wagon.
Congratulations. You are doing great things and taking big steps toward healing yourself... and hang in there, Half Pint, it's almost time for he Christmas Dance at Grandpa's.
Emmie
Hello pixel,
There was an episode years later where the adopted brother got hooked on drugs when they moved to the city. Did you ever see this episode? This was not in the books but on tv. I don't remember now how they handled it but it had such meaning to it then. My daughter was not an alcoholic/drugaddict then so I didn't relate very well. I see now the good things I learned from my parents too. I did need therapy on that earlier in my life. I feel knowledge is power and the more we know the more we can change. Keep up growing and changing :) cdb
Laura Ingalls was one of my favorite characters too. In fact, I still watch it occasionally on cable. If you watched the series you might also remember that Charles Ingalls' best friend was an alcoholic for many years. Even though he was one of Laura's favorite people, it was difficult to be around him for her. She and her family had their own coping skills when it came to him, since he was like one of the family.
but it is definitely better to now try to figure out what you should do or what you feel instead of thinking about Laura Ingalls. Even if she was a wonderful role model most of the time.
Angelina